Stupid threats you've used that you can't possibly carry out...

[Habbibu]

dd (2) pissing about at bed time, trying to play with my scarf while I'm trying to brush her teeth.

Me (casting about frantically for some leverage in the situation) If you don't stop that ... you can't have any stories again EVER.

Fast forward 13 years

Teacher "Why have you not read Wuthering Heights, LittleHab?"

LittleHab "My mother banned me from all works of fiction at the age of 2, Miss. I'm not sure if the ruling includes non-fictional stories, but I've been ruling out biography, all the same."

(to the DSes)I am going to sell you on eBay and get two nice little girls instead

counting to 10. Ds usually helps me count and when I get to 8,9,10 he runs like mad to do what I asked. I've to this day not worked out what I will have to do if I get to 10 and he doesn't respond.

Me: Do you WANT me to get cross dd?
Dd: YES!!!
Me: Oh. Well. Um. I'm... err... I'm not going to. Ha!

we have an agreement that when it gets too much I ban them from silly things which makes us all laugh and stops tension

'ds1 yu're banned from breathing for 2 hours!' usually does it LOL

dd2 slamming doors the other day 'IF YOU TRAP DD'S FINGERS THEN I'LL TRAP YOUR BUM!'

i have no idea what i was going to say, but it made dd2 go to her room quietly lol.

my sister was in fits of laughter at the other end of the phone.

Not sure if this really applies, but I used to work at a hotel, and got a very funny phone call one night:

Me: Good evening, this is XXX. (hear loud crying in background)
Person: Hello, is this Disney World?
Me: Er...
Person: I'm just calling to say that if my children don't eat their vegetables in the next 5 minutes, we won't be coming to visit this summer
Me: Er...
Person: (whispers) Thank you.

not my dc's but when we were little i used to tell my little brother that if he didnt go to sleep on xmas eve father christmas would chop his willy off and that is how girls became girls, we (girls) were caught still being awake when santa came evil, but worked a treat as i was only allowed back downstairs if i got him to go to sleep.

we laugh about it now, was funny.

its absolutely not true though as far as im aware!

If you don't put your tummy away, I'm going to eat it.

WTF????

spacepuppy - snap! in fact, I too joke about it "I hope I never get to 10, cos I've got nothing!

I also threaten to grab them by the ankles and swing them round when they are being cheeky but that's 'playful angry', not angry angry, iyswim. They are very disappointed that I haven't done it yet!

Oh dear, I must be an awful parent, I think I have done several of these.

I have threaten to sell the 2 DSs on ebay and swap for 2 girls.

I have banned them from breathing.

I have threatened to eat tummies.

I have also threatened to lock them in their rooms (there are no locks on the door) and to cut off DS1's nose, if he does didn't stop sniffing and post it to outer Mongolia.

Counting to 10 always works for DS1 but never for DS2 and I always get stuck for something useful to threaten him with.

Oh dear whilst sat at the computer typing my last post DS2 just found my old instant camera and wanted to take a picture. I told him if he did he would have to give me £1 because it is very wasteful and the pictures were expensive.

Quite a threat you would have thought - but no, he has taken the picture and now brought a £1 up to me.

I don't think threats work on him somehow.

Put DS in box with holes in top and send him to the zoo.

DD's godfather threatens to sell her for medical experiments if she misbehaves...

If you don't stop talking I will ear your brains through your ear.

I know I have loads I could post...but I can't think of them right now.

Other than the obvious "we won't go (on teh already booked and paid for) holiday" or Santa won't come

Or "I will throw that (really expensive toy) in the bin"

dd naughty going to bed tonight - dh called the house phone from his mobile and said "that's Santa calling - shall I tell him you are going to sleep like a good girl or to give all your presents to your cousins!"

my mum used to threatem that she wouyld rip my arm off and bash me with the soggy end, have used that one on DD1, DD2 still too young

AliEightMaids - that's fantastic. I love the whispered Thank You at the end. Do you think they just called a random number?

To DS (nearly 4) if he doesnt put his shoes on for school I will buy him big babies booties and he will have to wear them....

If he eats food with his fingers (ie, roast dinner, soup) I will snip them off and feed them to the birds, and that where all bird food comes from - naughty childrens fingers....

That i'll smack his bum if he does XYZ again (i dont)

to give her to charity

quint that is very evil (but funny!)