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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

Can the approach of NEVER telling off for being naughty, and just praising the good ever work??

35 replies

FAQ · 21/09/2008 12:23

I just wondered, as I discovered this morning that the brat boy who came to DS1's party yesterday who was a complete PITA and will NEVER be invited to my house again has been brought up with this method.

He's apparently like it at home, and at family gatherings too - so much so that he wasn't invited to any of his half cousins parties this year........

Can that approach ever work???

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TheMadHouse · 21/09/2008 12:28

God no - We went to a toddler group once and there was a little boy who always hit DS1, whos parents believed in only positive parenting.

They never told him off for the hitting, so he sisnt know to stop. In the end I had to have words with the mother soppy cow - she was a nursery teacher - we just thought she must have enough of children and just not bother with her own.

pudding25 · 21/09/2008 13:03

NO NO NO -I am a teacher. The horrendous children with no boundaries are usually so because their parents do that - I know this as have met the parents, had discussions with them about upbringing and seen them interact with their kids.

CarGirl · 21/09/2008 13:08

The worst behaved dc I know have been brought up by this method. Perhaps they are pushing desperately to find out if there are any boundaries anywhere with their parents?

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Blandmum · 21/09/2008 13:10

No, I don't think that it can either (I'm also a teacher)

The sad thing is that these children will eventually find out that there are negative consequences to their actions, but by that time they are usually excluded from school and facing the chance of time in prison.

Positive parent is fine, but not on its own. We don't do children any favours if we don't teach them that actions have negative consequences as well as positive ones

RubyRioja · 21/09/2008 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

FAQ · 21/09/2008 13:16

I didn't think so either - but didn't want to upset any PP parents on MN by saying in the title "PP doesn't work"

He was truly awful - he behaved worse than my 16 month old, and threw strops like my 4yr old (he's 7yrs old) - and I'm afraid he won't be coming back to my house again.

I do however have a mental note of 4 other boys that were here yesterday who will all be invited back at some point - who - considering I had 8 boys in the house (with just me supervising them lol) were either very well behaved (I didn't expect perfect behaviour with McDonald's, junk food and PS2 on offer ) or at the very least did as they were told........

OP posts:

wahwah · 21/09/2008 14:54

Surely this isn't positive parenting? it's bonkers to think that children don't need guidance, only praise. Perhaps the parents only read a few lines of a book and based a whole practice on it!

TheProvincialLady · 21/09/2008 15:00

I know of some people who parent like this and I really fear for their children when they are older. One 7 year old I know stole £50 from her mum's purse and was asked whether she wanted to give it back - she said no she would rather spend it, so that is what they did What happens when she steals £50 from someone else's purse when she is 15 FGS? It is unlikely they will ask her whether she wants to give it back.

qwertpoiuy · 21/09/2008 15:34

Oh, my God - my son would be a real tyrant if he had never been corrected and punished accordingly. He's a headstrong, stubborn lad and tests all boundaries. Thankfully, he's turning into a lovely boy who is good at school - though he still tests me from time to time!
I am so greatful to Supernanny. I find her methods brilliant, what I'm most greatful to her for is teaching us how to punish children effectively without resorting to smacking.
I think [URL='www.originalwriting.ie/bookshop/index.php?act=viewProd&productId=23']this[/URL] is a book referring to the Childcare in question. She does not believe in the naughty step!
Personally, I think she's barmy!

qwertpoiuy · 21/09/2008 15:36

Sorry, I'll print that link again.....
www.originalwriting.ie/bookshop/index.php?act=viewProd&productId=23

qwertpoiuy · 21/09/2008 15:38

at ProvincialLady's post!

scampadoodle · 21/09/2008 15:44

Isn't that TV child psychologist, Tanya Whatsername, a great believer in "praise the positive, ignore the negative"? I have to say I am relieved to read this thread as I feel that if DS1 is hurting his little brother he needs a bloody good talking to, not a turned cheek...

qwertpoiuy · 21/09/2008 15:52

Actually, I read in a newspaper article about my lady's book how, in a bullying situation, it's wrong to comfort the victim and punish the bully. Apparently, the bully is the one with the problem and should be comforted. If all parents and teachers follow that method, there will be a huge increase in suicides of bullying victims.

suzywong · 21/09/2008 15:54

in answer to OP
No
and that's coming from a family that shares the culture of 3/5s of the world

mumblechum · 21/09/2008 15:58

No. It just produces horrid little brats.

chunkychips · 21/09/2008 15:59

you can't just ignore bad behaviour, it's irresponsible and not fair on the person who's being poked in the eye or whatever. It's a rubbish idea and just one of those trends that should be ignored.

Original poster

FAQ · 21/09/2008 15:59

for once I see I'm not in the minority on this one - he really was the most appalling little brat I've had the misfortune to meet.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 21/09/2008 16:39

I think sometimes when a child is being naughty to get attention it is different to them showing disrepectful/unacceptable behaviour. I think there is great skill needed to identify the difference. When my dc play up and I step back and think why there are often different reasons for it, and I do tackle it differently depending on the reason IYSWIM.

AbbeyA · 21/09/2008 19:16

No. Children like boundries. Some behaviour is unacceptable and they have to be told.
There was in interesting programme on TV recently, unfortunately I can't remember what it was called, there were children who were unpleasant brats at home but it showed them at school and they were quite different. There were boundries and they knew what was expected. They seemed much happier.

nannyL · 21/09/2008 19:21

No way

children need to know when what they are doing is wrong

Grumpalina · 21/09/2008 19:44

scampadoodle.Re Tanya Bryant "praise the positive, ignore the negative"? she isn't a proponant of what is being talked about here. Ignoring negative behaviour as per Tanya B means a naughty child doesn't get loads of attention when their being naughty and pretty much ignored when being good.

The idea is that naughty bahaviour is addressed by most appropriate method (time out, sanctions ,distraction etc) but when they are doing something good that is commented on and praised.

lou031205 · 21/09/2008 19:46

Yes, of course it can. By the time they reach 15, the children have such a good self esteem and confidence about their ability to decide for themselves appropriate boundaries, that they realise that any time they are met with disapproval, they can have sympathy for the emotionally stunted person they have come across.

What is important is that you maintain their belief that they are a complete, rounded, member of society right from day 1. It is no good half-heartedly doing so. It has to be a lifestyle commitment.

Ok, that girl chose to spend the £50, but she will reflect on that and come to her own understanding that another time, she could choose differently. Of course, if we are looking at it logically, she only took what her parents would have spent on her over the coming weeks. It is like an advance, really. Stealing is such a loaded word, full of negativity.

Only joking Of course it is bonkers, no boundaries= child without the ability to make sense of the world they live it, constantly being shunned for their behaviour.

Grumpalina · 21/09/2008 19:48

Just to say also YANBU. There was some something I read on here a few months ago about a Mum who had read the book and was using this method. Child had hit and kicked mother when he didn't get what he wanted and SHE was feeling guilty for getting cross with him and was going to discuss his feelings of frustration when he returned from school and apologise to him for being cross!!!

Twiglett · 21/09/2008 19:49

I don't think it ever can .. I think it leads to small children believing they are the centre of the universe, then growing up into bigger children who believe they are the centre of the universe .. then going to school and getting totally emotionally screwed because peers and teachers don't think so .. then growing up and being self-centred and terrible partners

is this the child you're going to approach the parent and say 'thanks for lovely present it almost makes up for your kid being such a little shit'

Joolyjoolyjoo · 21/09/2008 19:54

No, not IMO. I used to know someone who parented like this- her little boy was obnoxious, violent to the other children (and his mum), surly, and didn't seem happy. Eventually she stopped meeting up with us, as her son made it impossible, with his tantrums, demands and his hitting the other children. I can't see how this kind of parenting works to the child's benefit at all. In real life they WILL be chastised one way or another for their misdemeanours, and one day they will challenge a child who will respond in kind.

Apparently this little boy does do ok in nursery, though- probably down to having some clear defined boundaries.

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