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Original poster

Working mothers are guilty of child abuse!

48 replies

Janos · 20/02/2005 12:04

Firstly can I just make it clear, before anyone jumps down my throat that this is not my opinion in any way shape or form. I thought it would be the best way to get people's attention .

To explain - I read an article in a parenting magazine where two mums gave their opinion on working with children. The one from the non working mum had me absolutely splitting blood. here's a quote from the article...

"Women should stay at home until their children are at least school age. I'm disgusted by mums who say they aren't prepared to stop work. A nursey can't love a child like a mother. To me it's a form of acceptable abuse"

These comments have made me really on so many levels. Doesn't this woman realise that children are abused in far worse ways (yes, sometimes by SAH parents, sadly )than being cared for by someone else!

Well, anyway I'd love to know what other MNetters think about this. And if the woman in the article reads this...bring it on. GRRR!

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 20/02/2005 12:06

That should be spitting blood .. see, I'm so cross I can't type properly

OP posts:
edam · 20/02/2005 12:09

Stupid mare. Probably reflects her own insecurities - feels the need to justify her importance in the world by putting down people who live different lives.
My mother worked, never bothered me in the slightest. We had a lovely childminder who is still a dear family friend. And we had some really interesting experiences going into work with her. Ds is really happy at nursery - gets all excited when we arrive and when I pick him up, he takes me round the room showing me all the toys and books. Ideally I'd love to go part-time but I've got no worries about him being in nursery at all.

duster · 20/02/2005 12:09

Happy mum = happy child.
Not everyone has the choice of whether to work or not. If you're lucky enough to have the choice, you are not a better or worse parent for working. Since we only raise our own children, how can we judge what is best for other people's?
And the woman in the article will have a hard job reading this as it would appear her head is jammed up her own arse, the lunatic.

expatinscotland · 20/02/2005 12:15

She obviously has the wherewithal to stay home. Good for her. But if she thinks we should all stay home, is she prepared to pay all our bills so I can be a SAHM?? What about single mums and dads? Should they go out there and earn a living, or just get on the dole?

My husband has serious learning disabilities, so I work full-time to keep us alive and he stays home w/our dd. He's a wonderful father to her. Our dd will grow up seeing firsthand that women can be parents AND work, and that fathers are just as integral to childrens' lives as mothers.

Do women like this actually see their husbands as a/thing more than a meal ticket and a sperm donor?

Gwenick · 20/02/2005 12:17

Stupid woman (from someone who's never worked and been a SAHM for 4 1/2yrs now)

Original poster
Janos · 20/02/2005 12:34

I think SAH parents do a fantastic job, in fact one of my friends is a SAHM and she really enjoys it. But everyone is different, aren't they?

It's her assumption that all mummies should be self sacrificing madonnas and if they aren't then they are bad parents that makes me so , and the comment about abuse. That is just not on. A lot of mothers DON'T have a choice about whether they work or not. Why is it abusive to leave your child in the care of someone else?

I should point out that I am techincally a SAHM right now as I have a 15 week old son, but I will be going back to work on a part time basis when he is 6 months.

OP posts:
Casmie · 20/02/2005 13:29

Silly woman.

For me, at the moment, the best thing for my family is for me to stay at home, but I don't extrapolate that and assume that's right for everyone. When ds1 used to go to nursery one day a week when he was tiny, he THRIVED and I would have had no worries about the nursery side of things.

If anything, I've heard some very convincing arguments that if you're going to stay at home to look after children as part of a career break, one of the most effective times to do so are when they are teenagers. Does that mean she'll be guilty of child abuse if she doesn't stay at home once her kids hit 13?

[insert shaking head in exasperation at some people here]

Casmie · 20/02/2005 13:33

um that's insert shaking head EMOTICON here not AT people HERE

Catbert · 20/02/2005 13:47

They will of course have typified two extreme examples, like they do on wife swap! The only thing that the magazine will be annoyed about is realizing we are talking about it without their magazine being mentioned!

I think she sounds a bit stuck up - as people often can be when having more "choices" at their fingertips. The thing that has always saddened me is those people who dearly would love to be a SAHM and who cannot, because that's the nature of our expensive society these days. I know a few women in that situation.

motherinferior · 20/02/2005 13:49

My childminder does a hell of a lot more with my two than I would - seriously.

paolosgirl · 20/02/2005 14:03

The two views are as bad as each other IMO. This 'stay at home and be a proper mum' attitude and this 'couldn't possibly stay at home and look after my kids, I'd be far too bored, but I admire those who can' are both patronising in the extreme.

However, as a working mum (I work p/t now)I would not necessarily agree with the happy mum=happy child. I love my job, and get a lot of satisfaction from it, but dd gets quite upset that her mummy can't walk her to school (she's 5) and cries sometimes at the thought of going to her after-school club (which is an amazing place). She knows she has to go though, but it makes me v. sad that she is unhappy.
Perhaps it should be happy child = happy mum?

Original poster
Janos · 20/02/2005 15:02

Paolosgirl, I agree with you. I didn't mean to be patronising at all so sorry if it came across that way (and to any SAHMs reading this).

It was the working mums = child abusers which riled me so much.

BTW I can't afford not to go back to work.

OP posts:
Tyg · 20/02/2005 21:25

Janos, I shouldn't waste time getting mad - understandable though it is. This woman is obviously working out her own insecurities. Methinks the lady doth protest too much...
I used to have a 'friend' who said this to me - in fact visited me to rant about this, when my brand new first-born dd was just 2 months old and I barely knew which end of her was up, never mind even thought about returning to work - though I did intend to, and was foolish enough to say so to this wumman, & so got ear-bashing about 'well if you feel you need to, to prop yourself up etc...' - to a just post-natal Mum, I was left feeling 'am I wearing a sign that says 'kick me' or something?? BUT, which is what I would say to you; after she'd gone I realised that why she WAS going on was she felt so defensive of her own choices - this was about her, not me. I subsequently went back to work, full-time - then thought, hell with it, I'm not getting any fun out of me kids, and went part-time - we're skint, but i see this as best of all worlds. We get our wonderful time together - and then when we all get fed up with same four walls and faces, also I get some grown-up time and keep toehold on work, they get stimulated FAR beyond wot I can do (in nursery and childminder respectively) and LOVE it.
This woman's comments say more about her, and her insecurities than about real-life mums. Don't waste time on them. (Now though - Mums who keep their kids in nursery full-time - and don't work...?!? does anybody else meet these?... There's something I could get really about...!)

LGJ · 20/02/2005 21:49

I agree...........................

that is exactly what Ds(3.5) said to me the last time, I left him home alone. ( the Child Minder was ill)

He said Mother. You are going out to work 3 days a week and leaving me to mix with lots of different types of people at playgroup,and by default broading my horizons, and generally making me become a more confident individual. has the word abuse of the highest order ever entered your mind ??

No, well thats OK then, because some hysterical female, just told me what to say. Personally I am quite happy

LGJ · 21/02/2005 08:33

I am bumping this, if only because the gross stupidity of the silly moo deserves more than 15 posts.

Now you will excuse me while I head off to work and by default abuse my child

Toothache · 21/02/2005 08:41

I've reduced my working week to 4 days..... am I a part time child abuser?? Does that make me a better person than I was when I was fulltime?

When I was off on Maternity leave ds still went to Nursry anyway, and one day a week to Granny's house...... what difference does it make whether I'm at home while he's there, or whether I'm at work?

Besides.... I only had children so I could receive tax credits.

slug · 21/02/2005 12:34

Has the daft moo ever thought of the father's role in this? Why is it always mothers who are blamed for children's ills and not their other parent. Am I harming my daughter by going back to work (an thereby being a fulfilled, happy mummy) and leaving her at home with her dad who loathed work and loves his daughter to abandon?

lockets · 21/02/2005 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nnosam · 21/02/2005 12:40

im a sahm and i love it, however its not for everyone and there are some who need to go back to work in order to pay the bills.
anyone who can say that its abusive to put your child in child care is either very STUPID or has no idea what its like living in the real world.

Rarrie · 21/02/2005 12:55

I was shocked when I watched American Wifeswap the other week, and it had a millionaire mother, who despite not working, still hired 3 nannies to look after her two children. But she did make the effort to spend an hour a day with her children!!

My point is, being a SAHM does not necessarily mean that you actually spend time with your kids.. or even look after them properly. And many working mothers (like me, part time) spend all their free time with their kids, as it is so precious! My child is with daddy / granny / for most of the time I'm at work and when I finish, I spend all evening playing with her, and don't do any housework, or work until she's gone to bed. As I finish early (about 3) I get to spend a lot of time with her in the evenings. Some SAHMs (and not all, my point is you cannot generalise, before I'm flamed!!!) spend more time going out with friends socialising, that they don't actually spend that much time 'interacting' with their children.

Point is, many parents have to work, and it is far too simplistic a view to simply say SAHM means the child gets to spend more time with parents!!! (Esp if you only work Part time!)

alicatsg · 21/02/2005 12:57

I regularly abuse my child by working to provide housing, food, clothes, books, toys and the ability for his dad to look after him at home.

Why are these stories never "working dads are guilty?" Makes me fume. I occasionally have to travel for work and last time was told it was unnatural for me to do so. Not so for my male colleague who has a son the same age I notice.

GRRRRRRRR.

LGJ · 21/02/2005 13:30

Lockets the post was meant to be a sarcastic post on behalf of a 3.5 year old and the reference to broadening his horizons was done with reference to the fact that he goes to playschool, which he would do even if I was a SAHM.

And just to clarify the mattter before I upset any one else, I did not leave him home alone

decmum · 21/02/2005 13:34

I reckon that some SAHM who have always been SAHM probably do find it a little horrifying to imagine putting a child in a nursery....I was terrified at the thought before I did it.

Now my DS goes 3 days a wk and you can see him start to grin when we get to the gate and toddles in (14 months) get's a lovely welcome and doesn't look back....obviously at pick-up time he's delighted to see me again and wants a big hug! I also love the fact that he'll be covered in a combination of glitter/banana and sand....shows he's had a ball.

All I'm saying is I can see why some SAHM's might feel it's wrong.

Caligula · 21/02/2005 13:38

Oh well, that's her view I suppose, and she's entitled to hold it.

And the rest of us are entitled to ignore it.

LGJ · 21/02/2005 13:40

Just goes to show my innocence, I automatically presumed that all SAHM's sent their children to playschool, wasnt meant as a dig at SAHM's

To be honest it started out as bit of a sarcastic dig directed at the stupid woman who said it in the first place.

I thought the fact that I mentioned that the childminder was ill and I left him home alone so I could go to work, would have given it away as a total nonsense.

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