Is Mumsnet really that useful for parenting advice? It seems quite toxic…

[KellyK2026]

I say this because I recently came across a Thread where a mother was talking about screen time for a 12 month old. She said she uses screen time occasionally (approx. 30 mins across the week so she can get jobs done, go to the bathroom, etc.). Honestly, the amount of vitriol she received was horrific and I’d even say it amounted to bullying. From being called a terrible parent, to saying her child is going to be delayed, etc. It was genuinely disgusting to read. I think about all the mums trying their best to juggle everything and, perhaps some are struggling, and this sort of talk really isn’t helpful. I think a lot of people come on here thinking they are the perfect parent (or perfect, person) when they clearly aren’t. I do remember MN being quite useful
years ago, but I’m finding the group-think bullying a bit much now. Has anyone else seen a change in how people interact on here?

I completely agree with what you’re saying.
I’ve put up a couple post for opinions and advice, rather than getting opinions I ended up with names and feeling bad and at time belittled. To the point I’ve stopped doing posts like it now. Especially being a first time parent. Seems a lot of people like to drag other mums down, just because they do things differently.

There are some subjects that attract the toxic element. Screen time is one.
Some threads make me feel like I'm with friends. Some are horrible.

I certainly wouldn’t come here for any advice other than light frothy subjects, ‘this brand of coffee or that brand?’, ‘this colour paint or that colour?’ is fine, but other than that - definitely not.

Reddit, chat gpt, various sites you can find by googling, these are all better than mumsnet.

MN seems to be full of posters who dislike children. So no it's not the place to come for parenting advice.Unless you want to be told how shit a parent you are.

@AuroraBloom I don’t really read the child threads, my children are adults, but I see it in lots of ‘non child’ threads.

I think its AIBU is savage so best to avoid that sometimes. Its the pile on I cant stand.

That’s interesting. I always thought that Mumsnet was predominantly for parents? At least that what I thought it was set up for initially.

It's not just AIBU though. I've seen pile ons in the Parenting topic.

I’ve been here over 20 years. Increasingly toxic is my verdict. Polarised like society and inhabited by some awful key board warriors. That said there are some decent folk too.

I think what’s also put me off is I had a friend who posted a Thread on something parenting related and faced a lot of backlash. She subsequently asked MN to take the Thread down due to the impact it was having on her mental health. MN was pretty resistant and said they don’t like to remove Threads with a high engagement. It seems like they prioritise engagement other their users’ mental health.

This. Mumsnetters frequently refer to children (sometimes their own) as “little shits”. It’s practically Mumsnet slang for children. “I don’t want little shits trick or treating at my door!”

It’s been known for health visitors to say “stay away from Mumsnet, it’s so confrontational”.

The original premise of Mumsnet probably was parenting advice, but then internet toxicity took over.

Jesus. This begs the question why aren’t these users being permanently removed from the site? Why are those sorts of Threads even allowed? it’s madness.

Mumsnet is a very strange place, I do think a lot of people on here dont like children, which is weird given it’s a parenting website (i will be told it’s not apparently 🙄) I saw a woman getting slated for having 4 kids, this website seems to be very angry against people daring to have more
than 1/2 kids

Yes toxic and horrible but still loads of great advice (especially with things such as getting organised or cleaning!!!) and loads of lovely people too!

I do sometimes report the worst comments especially the ones advising the OP to smack their children.Or the ones who are really horrible to a struggling OP and calling children brats etc. Sometimes they get deleted but not always.

I think it happens when threads up in ‘trending’. I’ve found most of the specific boards are pretty helpful, kind and supportive (TTC, parenting, Christmas, recipes etc). But when something ends up on the trending list it ends up with all the people who normally stick to AIBU, and the tone definitely shifts.

A few years ago I remember commenting on a thread someone had posted in Christmas asking people what they thought of her plans and menu. The first couple of pages were from the ‘Christmas’ posters and were just helpful tips, suggestions and people sharing ideas about what worked for them. There was then a massive shift when it clearly ended up on trending and there were dozens of comments from people who clearly hated Christmas, their families, food and anyone having different preferences to them. I had a bit of a realization at that point that whilst Mumsnet can be helpful and sensible if it stays in the specific board, you need a pretty thick skin in case it spreads to the wider site.

Whenever I posted under Parenting I rarely had much advice or replies. So wouldn’t call it a parenting site.
But it’s overall a good place where things that have got out of hand and normalised in real life (like screens for young children, junk food, inadequate education system,…) get called out. I think the overall intention is good (some of the very old fashioned advice to discipline should definitely be ignored!).

The key I think is to pick your topics. I post a fair bit on the education boards as I’m a former teacher and current tutor; I find people are both pleasant and well informed. No one has ever castigated me for getting something wrong either.

Style and beaty and property are usually nice. PB thread is so supportivr as is beauty addicts. Steer clear of AIBU maybe?

I think it depends where you post and what you expect in return. Mumsnet isn't free therapy. Everyone has different ways of doing things and it's easy to be more direct in a faceless, anonymous online exchange than most people would be in person. So if you take it with a pinch of salt and an insight into what other people may do, it can be good. I found the kids cancer section a really valuable place to vent and get support from people who had similar experiences. I've also read a lot of threads where women give a lot of support and encouragement to those experiencing domestic abuse.

It used to be many years ago a great place.

When I see upset OPs getting piled in to on any advice board, it does seem like a lot of posters only raison d’etre is to mock the OP.

Even the health threads have become aggressive.

’My baby is breathing quickly and has a high fever, shall I take her to A&E ?’

’Why are you wasting time asking the internet and not going in/calling 101’ is the normal response.

Well, new parents sometimes don’t know what to do and would appreciate advice from more experienced parents and yet, when they are clearly worried and distressed, they get piled into.

I think it isn’t the place for good parenting advice any more.

I've had good advice on a few household things, but I got upset by a few threads I started. The replies were not making sense to me and they were saying look at a youtube video but not giving a link, and I couldn't find anything remotely similar to what they described. I suspect that many of the posters, like me, didn't have a clue.
I started a post when I was struggling in a new job in the shutdown. I was told by one or two that I was incompetent and lacking in self-awareness. It turned out to be that the colleagues I depended on for knowledge to do my work were 'WFH' aka doing sweet FA.
A thread I starts when at a very low ebb was vile. It was deleted.
(The threads were started by me but under different usernames.)

Many posters don't read the OP properly. Certain words will encourage a pile on.

Sometimes I go out of my way to find a solution to a problem and am told I am wrong or that my post was ridiculous. A simple 'respond' costs nothing.

Your choice of username might affect the replies - male sounding ones seem to encourage the man-haters.

I’ve seen some really good tips on here in the 21 years I’ve been here, most I still use today.
I get what you mean about some posters though.
Some are def keyboard warriors. I started a thread once and someone tried to be a smart arse and belittle me, they only succeeded in making themselves look a tit as other posters pulled them up

I've picked up all sorts of tips too.

I think the Step-parenting and Relationships threads should be compulsory reading for young women. The step-parenting threads can be vicious, as can Relationships, but there are some plain truths there.

I think one of the issues particularly with parenting issues where something quire severe is going on with SEN or behaviour is that those of us who've been there, done that (and therefore might have relevant advice) are pretty busy dealing with our own challenging kids/teens and by the time we get onto the thread to offer some evidence or experience based advice, there's been a pile on by the "bring back borstal" types whom it often turns out have zero experience with the actual issue(s). And therefore their advice is rather worthless and they are judgemental of someone who is already in a tough situation.

Having said that, there are experts on here who are incredibly helpful.

If I really wanted advice I think I might have a friend trawl the replies for the useful parts.

I've come to the conclusion there are a lot of very unhappy people on here who like to take their bitterness out on others. There's nothing wrong with disagreeing but it can be done respectfully instead of flinging insults about!
There's nothing wrong with a bit of screen time for kids either, parents don't have to be constantly hovering over their children, to me it's common sense to let them watch a bit of telly while you get on! Not all day of course, but Kids need downtime too! As long as they're not watching something unsuitable it's fine.