AIBU to not want to go to DH’s family meals

[Mumoftwo8519]

Feel like I need some perspective with a situation to do with my husbands family and having meals out. This is long so pls just scroll on to the next thread if you think you’ll be bored to tears, I know I am 😂

My husband and I have been together 12yrs, and have three young children (DD4, DD2, DS8m). We see his family every 4-6 weeks or so when we travel up to his hometown an hour away to see them. They like to go out for meals for family birthdays, not to v posh places but nice places. Pre kids we both loved this, we were treated to nice meals at lovely places and it was a nice way of us all getting together. Since having kids, for obvious reasons these meals are no longer as pleasant for us but if we don’t go we don’t see his family as they don’t make the journey to see us. We have said we’d rather go to more informal places but they just like what they like. Over the past two years we’ve had 3/4 meals where my FIL and SIL have got worked up and stressed out with our kids’ behaviour while out. Like, one time my daughter was dancing around next to a pianist playing music, another my daughter was reciting the Gruffalo at the table but it was too loud, another time my daughter was having a tantrum because she wanted to get out of her highchair (they would have been two or one years old at this point). They would never openly say anything but his dad will be passive aggressive and huff and puff, put his head in his hands and say ‘oh my god’, anxiously rub the back of his neck like he’s about to have a breakdown. My SIL (who has a 2yr old herself) will roll her eyes, and whisper passive aggressive things to FIL. We obviously manage the situation while we’re out which is basically that one of us ends up leaving the table to keep a child/the children out of the way.
Last year’s Boxing Day meal was the nail in the coffin for me after his dad had one of his meltdowns and made me feel so embarrassed, and I told my DH that I don’t enjoy going out for meals anymore and that I didn’t want to put our children on that situation again. (Ie we only go to places to eat appropriate for their age as well, or we meet his family at grandmas house after they have all been for a meal). The only caveat to that was his grandmas 100th birthday in the summer which I knew the family would want to go out for and I wouldn’t have missed it. DH agrees his dads behaviour was awful and he doesn’t know why he’s like that but would never dream of calling his dad out on it, and I wouldn’t expect him to - theyre just not close like that, it would be like setting a bomb off. He also said he was fine with no more family meals, he thinks Im being sensitive but he hates going to nice places knowing his family have expectations our kids should sit quiet - our kids are just not like that and we would literally never take them out for food at an expensive restaurant, we think it’s inappropriate for other diners and not fair on our kids at all, they are bored stiff!
For context as my children’s grandfather, my FIL will get worked up about their behaviour but never dream of offering to help us by having a child sit on his lap while we’re waiting for food to arrive for example. I just thought he wasnt a kid person but he is very hands on with SILs child. I think he’s held my 2.5yr old about three times, ever!! He’s never offered to come to our house to see his grandchildren?

Anyway, fast forward to today and DH drops it on me that we’re going out for a meal at the weekend for his dads birthday. I knew we were going to see his family as he’d written it on the calendar but he never mentioned anything to me in person and definitely never said it would be a meal. I asked him why he’d agreed to that without discussing it with me, and he said as everything went okay at his grandmas 100th birthday meal in the summer (and it did) he assumed I’d be okay, and also that he felt obliged as it was a birthday meal. I asked him what time it was booked for and it’s right in the middle of our 8 month olds afternoon nap. He said he didn’t think of that, he said his sister has to do that time because they have to get their two year old down for their afternoon nap. Like WTF.

AIBU to be pissed off about this? I can only assume he’s not mentioned it because he doesn’t want to upset his family and will just put up with the argument from me. I reminded him of our conversation after Boxing Day and he said I was being way too over sensitive and that I can’t put a stop to family meals. I said Im absolutely fine seeing his family after the meal but we’d agreed to no more meals out.

I know I can say I will not go, but that means his family dont get to see our 8 month old (he’s EBF) and tbh i dont think DH would do that as it might appear weird if I wasn’t there.
AIBU to not want to go for meals anymore? To be made to feel uncomfortable and embarrassed, my kids being told off constantly for just acting their age?

Ive left it with my husband that I don’t want to go as my feelings havent changed, but I will do if it’s something he really wants to do. I do feel awful about this as well, I know DH is in the middle but if he won’t call out their behaviour do I just keep getting shat on and be okay with it?

Sorry but you need to distract your kids during the meal and not allow your 4 year old to loudly recite the gruffalo or dance around - sit down, colour in nicely and you get ice-cream should do it, or don't go - its an invitation not a summons.
Or even better let DH take the kids on his own.

You go to visit.
But you stay home with the 8-m-o - " really sorry, would love to come, but baby's nap and all" - and let your DH go with the other two children.

I wouldn’t go. DH can take the older two on his own. You can put your feet up while the 8 month old naps. The nap is the excuse, it’s important enough for SIL to change the time so important enough for you to have to do it.

I think it’s really obvious in the post that OP is trying her best to manage the situation and that’s why it becomes unpleasant. Most kids can’t just sit quiet in a chair for a couple of hours.

Great minds think alike...

Teach them to sit nicely and distract with colouring, puzzles etc. We managed it just fine when ours were tiny and my sil manages just fine now. Do they not sit for meals every night?

Seriously
Most DC can’t sit nicely in a restaurant for a couple of hours ?

I would stay at home this time with the baby, and let your dh wrangle the 2 older ones on his own.

YANBU at all to think it is unrealistic to take 3 small dc to a restaurant when other adults aren't prepared to help distract and entertain them.

I would agree with your dh that you are happy to go to their house for a cuppa and cake now and then, and I would invite them to come to you now and then (obviously their choice to refuse), but I wouldn't put myself through the stress of a meal out in a nice restaurant with dc the age that your dc are, no.

Presuming they aren’t going to The Ritz you should be able to manage 3 kids of that age at a restaurant. TBH whether it’s Pizza Expess or somewhere a bit nicer - your kids should be taught to behave when they are old enough / distracted when they are too young.

By the same token your DH also does need to tell his sis and your Dad that they are kids - so some kid like behaviour is to be expected. The SIL is only managing one kid - you guys have 3

This stage will pass. Sooner than you think. Having had 3 with that age gap. Don’t make a big drama out of it but think how you both might parent a little more effectively.

Oh believe me, we do distract them. Colouring, drawing, puzzles, play dough you name it. We go prepared with a suitcase of distractions. After two hours even Im bored stiff. It’s also not just an invitation, if we declined it continuously we’d literally never see his family.
DH could easily choose to go with the 4 and 2 year old but he chooses not to. Presumably because he’d just end up outside with them the whole time so what’s the point as he won’t get to spend any time with his family

I'd stick to my guns and stay home with the youngest.
Or (bad parenting advice alert) if it's just one special occasion, give them an iPad for an hour and let them watch cartoons! If nobody else is going to help out with the kids then at least you can sit and have a glass of wine in peace.

We don't ever let our kids eat and watch TV or screens at home, and not normally when we are out either - mine can be distracted with colouring and I-Spy games or the likes. But when younger it was a nightmare. My youngest simply can't sit still for more than 5 minutes. so the very odd time we do is usually when we're desperate, and because they don't get it often, they are totally engrossed (and sit still and quiet) and we can actually have an adult conversation while they're waiting for food!

I'll absolutely get flamed for that so bracing myself.

Your children might be bored at dinners but as a parent you don’t need to let them be loud or dance around near piano players. Why can’t they be told to use indoor voices? why can’t they be told to dance near their seat?

Sounds like you might be downplaying their behaviour. Most people are fairly forgiving of young children like that unless they are being allowed to be particularly unruly and annoying by lazy parents who just blame their age.

My 6yo twins can't. They "grew up" for prolonged time in COVID conditions and are very much behind many social skills including where they should be in being able to sit for 2 hours in a quiet restaurant. Elder DC at age 6? No problems.

Pisses me off to the nth degree when my DM can see them getting restless an hour and a half in, yet offer no assistance, just tuts and makes passive aggressive comments about how I would never have been allowed to "behave like that." No, but then you never took me anywhere more advanced than McDonald's mother. Where funnily enough, my kids can sit for the 15 minutes it requires.

I also think the family are a bit crap for never reciprocating the travel. I wouldn't go out of my way for them, then.

Please make sure said iPad is on silent or you have headphones if you do this. I’d rather listen to kids chatter than the referred noise of Bluey on low volume …

This.

Is there a reason they can't travel to you-might well be a valid one (eg medical/lack of money/ability etc), but if not, they could come to you sometimes.
It is nice to go out as a family. Maybe ask them for strategies to help stop the children moving around-if they've ever worked in restaurants/pubs, they'll be stressed because they know how annoyed staff get with children not sitting still.

Absolutely - it is so inconsiderate not to use headphones. It's worse than loud breathing when you're trying to sleep!

I’d suggest going to PIL house, you and the kids staying there so baby can sleep and the others play while DH goes to the meal with his family. Then you can see everyone when they return, baby is rested and the others play while 2 are happy.

Just don’t go. Stay home with the kids or at least the 8 month old.

your husband can do the explaining.

It’s not a child friendly environment.

regardless of the other two managing an 8month old over a two hour family lunch is my idea of hell.

just stay at home with the 8mo. You don’t enjoy the meals anyway - they’re clearly bloody hard work.

dh can either take the other two and try and manage them or not go.

in similar circs my dh decided not to go. Just not worth the hassle.

Tbh Im ignoring these comments. Im not looking for advice on how to parent my children. My DH and I BOTH agree that our children are not misbehaving, they are acting their age and do a great job at keeping themselves entertained after they have eaten their meal nicely and the rest of the family continue eating a three course meal for another 1hr45mins. And no where did I say the Gruffalo recital was too loud. I said ‘his dad felt it was too loud’. His dad was wincing and telling her she had to shush. The table next door did not hear her, and would not have heard her. Her volume was not loud.

It’s not reasonable to expect a baby, a toddler and a 4 year old to sit quietly for 2 hours plus. You can say you’re not going to the meal, and DH can go with or without the older children. Invite them all over to yours for a mini cake celebration another time, and if they don’t come, then so be it. You hav3 been more than accommodating.

Stay at home with the baby as it’s his nap time. I’d be annoyed they considered SIL’s toddler’s nap time but not your baby’s!

Spot the posters on this thread who haven’t had young children for many, many years