AIBU to not want to go to DH’s family meals

[Mumoftwo8519]

Feel like I need some perspective with a situation to do with my husbands family and having meals out. This is long so pls just scroll on to the next thread if you think you’ll be bored to tears, I know I am 😂

My husband and I have been together 12yrs, and have three young children (DD4, DD2, DS8m). We see his family every 4-6 weeks or so when we travel up to his hometown an hour away to see them. They like to go out for meals for family birthdays, not to v posh places but nice places. Pre kids we both loved this, we were treated to nice meals at lovely places and it was a nice way of us all getting together. Since having kids, for obvious reasons these meals are no longer as pleasant for us but if we don’t go we don’t see his family as they don’t make the journey to see us. We have said we’d rather go to more informal places but they just like what they like. Over the past two years we’ve had 3/4 meals where my FIL and SIL have got worked up and stressed out with our kids’ behaviour while out. Like, one time my daughter was dancing around next to a pianist playing music, another my daughter was reciting the Gruffalo at the table but it was too loud, another time my daughter was having a tantrum because she wanted to get out of her highchair (they would have been two or one years old at this point). They would never openly say anything but his dad will be passive aggressive and huff and puff, put his head in his hands and say ‘oh my god’, anxiously rub the back of his neck like he’s about to have a breakdown. My SIL (who has a 2yr old herself) will roll her eyes, and whisper passive aggressive things to FIL. We obviously manage the situation while we’re out which is basically that one of us ends up leaving the table to keep a child/the children out of the way.
Last year’s Boxing Day meal was the nail in the coffin for me after his dad had one of his meltdowns and made me feel so embarrassed, and I told my DH that I don’t enjoy going out for meals anymore and that I didn’t want to put our children on that situation again. (Ie we only go to places to eat appropriate for their age as well, or we meet his family at grandmas house after they have all been for a meal). The only caveat to that was his grandmas 100th birthday in the summer which I knew the family would want to go out for and I wouldn’t have missed it. DH agrees his dads behaviour was awful and he doesn’t know why he’s like that but would never dream of calling his dad out on it, and I wouldn’t expect him to - theyre just not close like that, it would be like setting a bomb off. He also said he was fine with no more family meals, he thinks Im being sensitive but he hates going to nice places knowing his family have expectations our kids should sit quiet - our kids are just not like that and we would literally never take them out for food at an expensive restaurant, we think it’s inappropriate for other diners and not fair on our kids at all, they are bored stiff!
For context as my children’s grandfather, my FIL will get worked up about their behaviour but never dream of offering to help us by having a child sit on his lap while we’re waiting for food to arrive for example. I just thought he wasnt a kid person but he is very hands on with SILs child. I think he’s held my 2.5yr old about three times, ever!! He’s never offered to come to our house to see his grandchildren?

Anyway, fast forward to today and DH drops it on me that we’re going out for a meal at the weekend for his dads birthday. I knew we were going to see his family as he’d written it on the calendar but he never mentioned anything to me in person and definitely never said it would be a meal. I asked him why he’d agreed to that without discussing it with me, and he said as everything went okay at his grandmas 100th birthday meal in the summer (and it did) he assumed I’d be okay, and also that he felt obliged as it was a birthday meal. I asked him what time it was booked for and it’s right in the middle of our 8 month olds afternoon nap. He said he didn’t think of that, he said his sister has to do that time because they have to get their two year old down for their afternoon nap. Like WTF.

AIBU to be pissed off about this? I can only assume he’s not mentioned it because he doesn’t want to upset his family and will just put up with the argument from me. I reminded him of our conversation after Boxing Day and he said I was being way too over sensitive and that I can’t put a stop to family meals. I said Im absolutely fine seeing his family after the meal but we’d agreed to no more meals out.

I know I can say I will not go, but that means his family dont get to see our 8 month old (he’s EBF) and tbh i dont think DH would do that as it might appear weird if I wasn’t there.
AIBU to not want to go for meals anymore? To be made to feel uncomfortable and embarrassed, my kids being told off constantly for just acting their age?

Ive left it with my husband that I don’t want to go as my feelings havent changed, but I will do if it’s something he really wants to do. I do feel awful about this as well, I know DH is in the middle but if he won’t call out their behaviour do I just keep getting shat on and be okay with it?

Thanks everyone, I do feel a better now knowing Im not being completely unreasonable to miss the meal.
I will suggest staying home with the 8month old. I think maybe if DH is on his own, his family might be more inclined to step in and help him if DDs need help being kept entertained with puzzles or colouring etc.
No reason for his dad not to ever come to ours. He is a lovely person, DH whole family are, they literally wouldn’t say boo to a goose. And they do love our children very much, theyre just not that into them I guess 😂

I know; and didnt have three or more children! 😂

😳 at posters asking why children of these ages can’t sit still for a couple of HOURS?!! Either you all had abnormally well behaved children or you have forgotten. It’s not the norm!

OP you have my sympathies. Your description of your FIL getting stressed and rubbing the back of his neck described it perfectly. Who is actually enjoying these occasions? No one by the sounds of it.

Mine are late teens now but I remember lunches / dinners out (even in more family friendly places) very stressful for exactly the reasons you describe. It’s the most stressful for you! I don’t think I even took them out for meals for quite a few years until they were more like 8-10 and they would stay seated.

Agree that this one being in the middle of your youngest’s nap time could play into your hands?

OP if it’s been put at a bad time for you due to a nap purely because of another child’s nap and no one asked you, why don’t you just sorry we can’t make that time. They can hardly complain when they said the same. Say the time doesn’t work for us 🤷🏼‍♀️

Secondly if he wanted to go I’d say to your husband take the older two and I’ll stay at home with the little one as they’ll be asleep then and will scream in the restaurant. I’m sure your Dad will help hold one of them.

Thirdly, why on earth don’t you tell the grandparents with no little kids to travel to you! I’d be damned if I was driving to them every few weeks and taking all the toys and crap with me when they could come to you. Don’t be treated like a doormat

The people saying their kids sit for 2 hours in a resturant, im calling your bluff and would like proof please.

Do you glue them to the chair with a gagg in their mouth, because thats a hostage not a child. I have never in my life witnessed a silent, still child for 2 hours and if I did I would be concerned. I actually worked in safeguarding and an awful safeguarding case was a silent child, she didnt make a peep, behaved impeccably and almost blended in to the point that you wouldn't know she was there, she was also terribly neglected and not allowed to be a child.

If I heard a child reciting the gruffalo, im ordering some hot chocolate and settling in for the story, sounds so cute!

Either they adapt and book a more child friendly place, accommodating their grandchildren or i wouldn't be going.

When my eldest was born my mum was desperate to take him to a fancy resturant to " show him off" I declined it wasn't appropriate and boring for him. We went nandos instead and he danced and coloured his happy little heart away.

I've got a very well behaved 5 year old, but she will not "happily" sit still/quietly at a table in a restaurant for 2 hours, 45 mins max I'd say if we take colouring/games, we often go out for a quick bite to eat and it's fine, but in a group setting where you are trying to chat to other people and cn;t give them your full attention all bets are off, it changes everything, and I've only got one child! I can't imagine that times three, I would absolutely not go as I would not find it enjoyable in the slightest.

No just no. Children this age cannot sit that long, it’s not fair to them. Stop being a doormat and tell your husband he can go himself and leave your poor children out of it! Your poor kids and poor you. His family sound awful.

What do you mean they grew up in Covid conditions? Do you mean a health condition or something?

Yes that’s more than annoying. Why doesn’t she help! Haha yes McDonalds is fine. Happy meal and a toy always a winner!

I agree! YANBU at all to not go to this lunch but I feel like YABU to have put up with the whole thing for so long!

The first time someone seemed exasperated with my child at a lunch for doing normal child things would be the last time I had lunch with them in that setting!

Parenting at a restaurant is stressful enough when everyone at the table is understanding and helping out, let alone this!

Don’t be a doormat OP. Stay strong.

I wouldn't go with 3 of those ages . It can't be pleasant or relaxing for you . Let Dh take the older 2 and see how he manages because I bet it's you doing most of the entertaining of the children .

Exactly

you are overthinking this. it doesn’t actually sound like your in laws want your children there. they won’t care if you stay home with 1 or more of the kids, my guess is they just want to see DH.

I’d stop going in general and leave DH to go on his own. “Our children really are too young to take to these sorts of places and we’re aware their behaviour can cause stress for people. I’m going to stay at home with them so DH can go. Perhaps we could all have cake together at home at some other stage to celebrate.”

I wouldn’t go. I’d help dh out by replying myself. ‘Understand dinner is scheduled to work around Flossie’s nap, it’s unfortunately right in the middle of Sarah’s nap, so I won’t be able to come. We are working out if dh will bring the other two. We usually alternate between being outside with them as these nice restaurants are tough for children at this age so it may not make sense for him to bring them if he’ll miss the meal.’

if your dh misses the whole meal outside with the other two that is not your problem. If he starts missing the whole meal regularly he might work out there’s no fucking point. I’d be so done. If his parents don’t see your kids for a year that’s a choice they are making.

but I would also tell him before he left if he did take the kids that it’s his job as your children’s dad to make sure nobody is mean or unkind to them and that includes his family.

Exactly. I wouldn’t have let this happen more than once. Tell them they need to drive to you from now on.

At 2 and 4? For a couple of hours?

People’s expectations of children and how they should behave get more and more unrealistic every day on here.

I can feel my eye twitching at the thought of taking a 2 year old, 4 year old and a baby for a 2 hour sit down meal with judgy family members.

Frankly, I’d encourage the children to act up. Set aside your civic-minded concerns about other diners for once, and encourage full-on dance routines, bellowed recitations of The Gruffalo etc. Then you stay at home with the baby and let your DH deal, and manage his father going nuts. It won’t be an issue again.

Some of these comments are ridiculous.

expecting 3 kids of these ages to sit still and quietly for 2 plus hours is ridiculous

I had three very well behaved boys who I could make behave with a look👀 youngest is 35 and I haven't forgotten 😳no way would I have expected them to sit for 2 hours at a proper restaurant. Once their tummies are full they want to be off playing..........it was pizza hut or somewhere with a play area! Stay home and enjoy the peace 👍