Struggling with my 12 year old son’s behaviour at home

[YourBlueHare]

I am really struggling to cope with my 12yr old son, every single day of every week is massive meltdowns, aggressive behaviour and back chat.

He does not know when to stop, cannot calm down and genuinely ruins every day. We’ve cancelled weekends away because of him.

He’s the perfect student at school, no issues at all, he’s a very keen sportsman, trains multiple times a weeks and competes regularly. To the outside world he’s an angel, at home life is absolutely horrific.

All I ever wanted was to be a mum and I feel like I’ve gone massively wrong somewhere and I’m really really struggling.

Bump

I’m sorry you’re struggling @YourBlueHare. Has this been a change since he started High School or was he a bit like this before?

@ExplodingSmittens he’s always been very challenging but the last few months have been off the scale, I genuinely feel like I can’t do this anymore

@ExplodingSmittens he’s year 8 so has done a year of secondary already and absolutely loves it

This sounds so tough, I hope you are also taking care of yourself!
Do you know roughly what lead to these behaviours? What is he trying to communicate do you think?

How long is he on his phone/computer for? My DS changed for the worse once he had a smart phone (aged 12). I wished I had never bought the bloody thing!

@Parky04 we limit it as much as possible and for the last couple of months he’s not had any YouTube, or TikTok etc on there. He goes on the PlayStation at couple of times a week but I’d say in comparison to most his screen time is very low.

@smoothorangejuice i’m genuinely at a loss of what’s causing it, I feel like we’ve tried everything but he’s just so angry, rude and aggressive. If he doesn’t want to do something for example a family dog walk then he kicks off for the whole duration and ruins it for everyone.

We’ve tried ignoring the behaviour and carrying on, given consequences, taken things away, stopped him doing things he likes, given him one on one time with both me and his dad and nothing seems to work. Nothing is good enough and it’s always woe is me and it’s everyone else’s fault

I agree there is a cause you just haven’t found it yet. Have you asked him why he is so angry at home?

@SummerHolsFinished yes, today has been awful, went on for hours and we had a chat after and again, as always he says he doesn’t know and he just can’t stop

Have you told him that you'll be speaking to his sports coaches about his unacceptable behaviour at home and that he won't be training or competing until his behaviour improves? Maybe this will get through to him?

You sound like good candidates for family counselling.

@whippersnapper55 This has been done several times but we’re back to square one after a couple of weeks

@ItsAlwaysTwins I have also been thinking about this, very expensive though

I would be very happy to pay for counselling, don’t want it to sound like I’m not trying but whenever anyone has spoken to him he’s always said he’s really happy, has a great life and is very lucky. Behind closed doors it’s a completely different situation. When I have mentioned it to coaches or teachers they’re completely shocked.

We've always thought that he has ADHD but manages to keep it together at school etc and then the blow out is at home.

He’s such a great boy when he’s in a good mood, kind, caring, funny and intelligent but when he is in a bad mood he just can’t stop or get out of it, the nasty things that he says are bloody awful

It’s not uncommon for neurodivergent children to unmask at home and seem a bit “wild”, because they’ve used so much of their capacity coping and masking outside their safe environment.

I don’t know if this helps, but I wonder if in a way your child feels safe enough with you to show you that he’s really not okay?

If he genuinely enjoys a sport, I agree that could be a really good way in. Things like being a good sportsman, being part of a team, learning self-control etc might actually motivate him more than just being told off.

I’d also vote for family therapy, or therapy for him individually if he’d engage with it. I know it’s expensive though. And I really do understand your frustration - this sounds incredibly hard to live with day to day.

@smoothorangejuice sport is his release, whenever he is on a break from it he struggles even more. Partly why I don’t like using it as a punishment. He’s extremely fit and extremely talented.

I agree that we are his safe place, it doesn’t make it easier when it’s everyday. I feel so down and flat about it. Dread everyday and spend my time walking on eggshells with him.

I love him so much it hurts and hate seeing him so worked up but have no idea what to do, can’t see the wood for the trees.

For example he’s been told this evening that he can’t stay at home on his own when we go to his brothers match in the morning and his response was that he’s staying at home and if we make him so he’ll be telling the other team to break his ankles

Have you read up on how to parent a child with ADHD?
Transitions and unexpected changes can cause anxiety which can lead to melt downs. So telling him this evening he’s going to his brother’s match in the morning - he may have needed to know this a few days ago.

12 is a tough age. I have a 12 year old son who has always been very easy going, but has been very challenging this year. My 14 year old is lovely (at the moment) but was very prone to emotional outbursts and irrational anger when he was 11-12.

Not saying that puberty is the only factor here, but it definitely makes everything much harder work.

If you’ve also suspected ADHD does he know this? Have you discussed going for an assessment?

I’d do this progress checker. It goes up to 1- years but at 12 it’s fine to do the 11 year old check

This

Hi OP,
My brother was similar. Does your DS direct his anger equally at you and your DH?
My brother squarely aimed his bad behaviour at our mom and still has pretty unacceptable moments now although he realises later that he was out of line.
He has admitted that he always felt that she was the one person who’d safest with because she wouldn’t punish him or hold a grudge. Just sharing so you can hopefully have a conversation and explore if you too are the catalyst for his penned up anxiety and frustrations. Best of luck as this sounds tough

Something simple you can do as a starting point is keep a diary. You need to try and identify his triggers. Do they tend to happen in the evening when he’s tired for example? Are they always as a result of you making a demand on him? You need to figure out what makes family time work, what makes it fall apart, what triggers the dysregulation, what works to soothe it.

I have a similar child and I work with children that have additional needs and the prevention of triggers where possible is the sweet spot you are trying to get to. That’s not to say you never ask anything of your son btw, it just might mean you approach situations differently or work through them differently.

My son is nearly at secondary age and it’s been a very difficult journey but I’m delighted to say we really have made huge progress. He really values family life and enjoys us all being together and does want to protect that, he just also has times when he can’t regulate and will blow the whole thing apart with his behaviour.

I have a rather similar child and it is tough.

She was diagnosed with a bunch of stuff at 7 so I am guessing the behaviours were more obvious earlier.

Sometimes this kind of behaviour can be anxiety believe it or not. Look up the shaken Coke bottle effect.

A good book is 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Bernstein). We also found NVR training useful (for us).

The PDA Society PANDA strategies might help, amd so might some of Eddy Gallagher's ideas (Who's In Charge?)

You need someone to talk to as this kind of thing is v tough on your mental health

Oh and yes more positively she has made a lot of progress from 7 to 13!

Hormones?

I asked DH how school was at age 8 as I know what he's like when he's bored (does exams for lecture courses he doesn't teach...)

"They put me up a class."
Were you still bored?
"Yes, but I read all the reading books and then they let me read whatever I wanted. They had lots of National Geographic and New Scientists."

He's told me before on the last day of primary his teacher said he should go to university. This was not common in rural North Yorkshire in the 70s.

He went to the library to look up what "university" was.

There was a picture of Corpus Christi Cambridge. So seven years later, he went there.

That's the kind of school you need to find!