Toddler tantrums – do they really only last 3–5 minutes?

[QuietlyQurious]

Hi, I’m just wondering what tantrums are actually like for other toddlers, and how long they tend to last.

My DD is nearly 2 years 5 months and she’s our first and only child, so I don’t really have anything to compare it with. I recently read that toddler tantrums often last around 3–5 minutes on average and was genuinely surprised, as DD’s are usually much longer.

When a tantrum happens, it usually lasts around 20 minutes with her. Before all her teeth had finished coming through, we were getting them roughly twice a week. Since then, the frequency has been much more variable – sometimes 2–3 times a week, but sometimes only like once a week (only counting the bad ones and meltdowns here).

It’s not so much the frequency that I’m wondering about, but the intensity and length of them.

When they happen, they can feel almost more like a meltdown than a typical tantrum. My daughter becomes completely hysterical and cries continuously, sometimes even gagging. I can’t touch or comfort her, and talking to her seems to make things worse (I can barely hear my own voice anyway). If I try to move away, or even move much at all, it can escalate things and she’ll thrash about. Usually all I can do is stay nearby, avoid too much eye contact or interaction, and make sure she’s safe.

Most last around 20 minutes, but a particularly bad one can go on for 30 minutes or so. She’s been having tantrums/meltdowns like this since she was around 12 months old.

Once it’s over, she does eventually come out of it, but during it there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do to help her regulate.

I’d be really interested to hear what tantrums are like for other toddlers around 2–3 years old. How long do yours tend to last? Can your child be comforted or distracted, or do you just have to wait it out? Does anyone else’s toddler have episodes that feel more like a meltdown than a conventional tantrum?

Lol no

😂 who told you this?! No, I would say generally 20 minutes at a minimum. A tantrum is really just the brain being overloaded with emotions it can’t process. Emotional self-regulation takes time. They need time to calm down, but it’s not even just calming down and no longer rolling around on the floor screaming. It’s the repair work and finding a resolution. You have to talk to them after, validate their feelings (I get it, sometimes I feel really upset too when I can’t have something I really want), and then figure out what to do next. I am someone who is absolutely committed to waiting it out so we can get to that repair and resolution bit. I have sat down and read a book next to them for an hour or two while they calmed down before!

Ha ha, whoever told you that toddler tantrums only last a couple of minutes was pulling your leg OP.

They last as long as the toddler has the energy for imo, so it depends on the day, time of day, whether they've slept well etc etc.

I'm actually really interested in the current videos of people calling out 'Jessica?' during a kids tantrum, as it really does seem to stop a tantrum in it's tracks though? Give it a try and see?
(I would, but my kids are grownups now)

Also lol no - 3-5 minutes just getting warmed up

I wouldn't say I've ever timed one but for my two, the full on screaming dissociated stage like you're describing was probably around 5mins yes. But general crying/whining/grumbling could last much longer, even over an hour.

But every child is different. As a child myself I had pretty frequent meltdowns until quite a bit older like 6yo. It was weird, I even remember the feeling when I came out of one, I'd be a bit confused like "what just happened"

My chilled out DD - yeah 3-5 mins sounds about right. She’s out of the toddler tantrum stage now and still pretty easy going

My other DD? Absolutely not. She’d have tantrums like you describe, where nothing we could do would help, everything would make it worse. The only thing that slightly helped (and it worked better if DH and I were both there) was playing near her, not mentioning it, and she’d maybe calm down quicker to come and join it. But we’d have to approach it like she was an easily startled baby deer or something, if she started looking over to see us playing with a toy, we couldn’t look at her or she’d get cross again. We had to wait until she fully joined in of her own accord.

Thanks everyone — I think I may have accidentally made the 3–5 minute figure the focus of the thread 😅 I only mentioned it because it surprised me and made me realise I had no idea what other toddlers’ tantrums actually look like.

What I’m more interested in is the intensity of them. During DD’s, I genuinely can’t talk to her or comfort her, she won’t make eye contact, and even me moving can escalate things. If I move away she gets worse, but if I try to interact with her that also makes it worse, so I basically have to stay nearby, keep very still and quiet, and just make sure she’s safe until it passes.

Is that familiar to anyone else? During your toddler’s tantrums, can you talk to them, cuddle them, distract them or move around normally, or do they become completely unreachable until they’ve come out of it?

Also, with DD, once she starts to calm down I’m quite careful not to immediately revisit whatever triggered it, because that can sometimes set her off again and we’re back to square one.

My daughter is nearly 2.5 and I would say the actual tantrum as in screaming/shouting is usually 3-5 minutes, for the first couple minutes she is just wild and upset and not open to listening so I just sit beside her and remind her I’m there, after probably 3 mins ish she asks for a cuddle and will sit on my knee and relax, then we sort of chat about it and she’s getting good now at naming the feelings, I got some books on them I think just from Amazon which I think helped massively!

Yes, that’s exactly the stage I mean. With DD, the full-on hysterical crying/screaming, sometimes gagging, and being completely unreachable is usually around 20 minutes, occasionally closer to 30.
I’m not really counting the grumbling or upset afterwards. That’s the bit I was wondering about compared with other toddlers.

@MellowSubmarine
This sounds very similar, especially the “easily startled baby deer” bit 😅 With DD, playing nearby can sometimes work if it’s a milder tantrum, but once she’s fully gone into it I don’t think I could even do that — me moving around can make it worse. At that point I pretty much have to stay very still and quiet nearby until she starts coming out of it on her own.
Were your DD's full-on ones quite long as well?

My youngest, yeah, he's a pretty chill dude. My eldest absolutely not, he could regularly throw a tantrum for an hour. Still can actually. And then even once it's finished ten minutes later he'll ask for whatever it was again, be told no again and start his tantrum again. I'm pretty certain he has ADHD though.

My DD (2.5) has tantrums like this, I find meltdown a more accurate description. She can’t talk, answer questions, listen, be touched or be left. She needs to calm down enough to either be comforted or talk about what happened. This has lasted for 45 minutes before.

We have a place where she can go and lie down with a projector that puts lights on the ceiling. This can really help to break her out of it.

For us it’s been a phase, actual meltdowns are happening much less often and when they do they aren’t lasting as long.

In that case yes, I'd say 3-5min for the full on screaming dissociated bit is about right for my kids, and yes I could/can snap them out of it sometimes. With a variety of methods like sometimes I'd hold their cheeks and put my face close and just quietly say Stop (that works on my DS) and then he begins to snap out of it and I give him a hug. But sometimes I can tell that won't work so I don't try and we just wait a minute.

But I do believe some children just can't be snapped out of it and you just have to wait. Every child is different

@Jellybunny98 That’s really helpful, thank you. I think that’s the bit I’m trying to compare — DD stays in the full-on, unreachable stage for much longer, usually around 20 minutes, and she definitely wouldn’t be able to cuddle or talk about it after 3–5 minutes. It’s really interesting hearing how different it can be between children.
Has she always been like that with tantrums, or has it got easier as she’s got older?

Wow, we have what I thought was a ‘bad tantrum’ once every 2-3 days, that’s where my toddler cries and yells and can’t be consoled for 2-3 minutes. We have regular ‘tantrums’ (20-40 seconds of throwing themselves on the floor and crying a bit but easily distracted) about 10 times a day. I thought it was a bit much tbh like that and my dh is always shocked and a bit distressed by the ‘bad tantrum’.
I’m so surprised by the responses and think I need to recalibrate and give my toddler a bit more appreciation! …and maybe prepare myself for things getting worse! I do wonder sometimes if my expectations of her are unfair and I guess in this case they are! What an interesting thread op. The ‘meltdowns’ sound so difficult, respect to you all!

Lol no, my daughter’s tantrums definitely last longer than 3–5 minutes 😂 She’s 4 now. The full-on screaming part might only last about five minutes, but then we move into the “I don’t like you anymore”, “don’t talk to me” phase, which can go on for quite a while afterwards.

My 2nd dd definitely had long ones at this age- she’s just turned three and still does have big tantrums occasionally but generally is much more agreeable. My first daughters tantrums were very different, I could settle her with a cuddle my second daughter I just have to let her ride it out.

It was worse when she was younger, her speech is really good and I’d say once her vocabulary expanded I noticed the tantrums dropping & shortening because she can usually tell us what is wrong, how she feels etc without it descending into screaming and when she does have tantrums she now once that initial screaming is done likes to chat about it, tells me she feels sad/angry and tells me why. I’d say from 22 months ish she’s been like
this.

@Mumtotornadoes That’s really interesting, thank you. DD can sometimes do the same thing where she’s only just come out of it, then something reminds her of the original issue and she can go straight back into it again. It’s helpful hearing how different siblings can be too.
Your comment also reminded me that she can remember something upsetting much later and cry about it again — for example, an injection or something that frightened her. She’s quite sensitive in general too; she can whimper if she’s startled, if she’s told off even in a normal tone, or if she overhears a negative tone of voice that isn’t even directed at her😭

There are 2 types of tantrum in my experience. One that's all noise and they can stop instantly eith the right distraction (or giving what they want). The other type is where they are totally overwhelmed and unable to control themselves. These are the ones which go on and on no matter what you do. You just got to stay calm and ride them out. Children usually grow out of these as their ability to manage their emotions develops.

Well I don’t think it’s abnormal. While I agree with not interacting with her which makes it worse, I wouldn’t be pussyfooting round her, being careful where you sit and what you even look at, to me that’s just asking for her to start trying to use tantrums as a form to control you. I’d stay nearby and crack on with a task, and be on hand when she’s able to calm down and needs a hug

This sounds very similar to DD, especially the not being able to talk, listen, be touched or be left part. It’s really helpful to hear that it became less frequent and shorter for you over time too.

The projector idea sounds lovely. I’m not sure we could manage that once DD is fully in it though, as even me moving around the room can escalate things and she wouldn’t follow me somewhere else. I’ve tried putting something on my phone in front of her before and she won’t engage with that either. It seems like once she’s fully overwhelmed, she just can’t take in anything until she starts coming out of it herself.

It can be hit and miss.

We usually take her to her bedroom if it’s really escalated and she needs to calm down. Sometimes at the very start before it becomes a complete meltdown we can say ‘would you like to lie down with your whale to calm down’ and she will accept this.

Other times we will carry her kicking and screaming to her bedroom and wait for her to calm down. Her bedroom is a much safer place for her to be screaming/writhing about on floor. I stay in the room and will periodically remind her that when she is ready to calm down she can have a cuddle or put the whale on. This might still take 30 minutes depending on how upset she is. Sometimes she might be able to just about manage a ‘yes’ to ‘do you want the whale?’ and then she can calm down and the whole thing ends much sooner.

Other times she will get cross and go and lie down with the whale all by herself 😂😂

She can use the controls herself and choose if it’s just the projector or music too.

I think it’s all so dependent on the child and their personality. Hopefully the phase doesn’t last too long for your DD.

This is the whale, we were bought it as a gift. I’m sure there are cheaper ones out there!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Pabobo-Dream-Dynamic-Whale-Projector/dp/B07ZBBPPX5

I have 3 children and 3 very different experiences. Ds1 could tantrum for ages, he was unreachable and couldnt be touched or he would get violent. Trying to calm him also pushed him to self harm (scratching face, pulling out lashes or bashing head against a wall) or do very risky things like run blindly on a road or jump out a window. Even afterwards he was disregulated for hours, sometimes even days. Simply put, the day was absolutely ruined. For this reason big days and outings involved an element of stress and sometimes giving him what he wanted just to placate him. These days were rare but almost always involved a family member who didn't understand the child, preaching about why this might be a good time to say no, inevitably the same person who would be tutting if he had a meltdown. He had sensory issues and other ND stuff so he was not the average kid. We learned to avoid the meltdown as much as possible and identify the triggers. A silent deep pressure hug from behind with his arms locked was the safest and fastest way of calming him followed by slow deep breathing and counting.

DD would have angry little meltdowns but the intensity was only a few minutes, after that it was like her ears worked again and she could be soothed. She was a rational smart kid and understood that she was losing self control.

DS2 sometimes tantrumed for a reasonable time but more often would silently shut down and slump on the floor, this went on for longer than most kids, til about 5. It was like playing dead, eyes closed and dead weight on the ground. We found talking softly near him but not at him helped, then rubbing him gently for a while and he would eventually 'wake up'. The episode could be anything from 2 mins to 30. We got used to his ways and learned to manage him except for that one time it went on for a bit longer in a public place and I kept reassuring the gathering crowd that he was just putting it on, until i realised to my horror he was unconscious from a head injury. He ended up being removed by ambulance, I'm still recovering 8 years later!

Identifying the triggers to avoid the meltdown is the best advice. If hearing 'no' triggers a tantrum best let it play out at home and the child will learn to self regulate a bit better so it's likely to be shorter in public. Talking and reasoning is a waste of time, they can't hear. Stay really calm and nearby and maybe do something physical like a hug or handhold to help them regulate.

I think with a child young age and such an all consuming meltdown they absolutely aren’t using it to control the parent. I can see that my DD finds it really scaring having a meltdown like this.

It isn’t like when a child is winging or crying because they’re annoyed. Their whole system is overloaded and they’re scared by what their body is doing and feeling.