Toddler tantrums – do they really only last 3–5 minutes?

[QuietlyQurious]

Hi, I’m just wondering what tantrums are actually like for other toddlers, and how long they tend to last.

My DD is nearly 2 years 5 months and she’s our first and only child, so I don’t really have anything to compare it with. I recently read that toddler tantrums often last around 3–5 minutes on average and was genuinely surprised, as DD’s are usually much longer.

When a tantrum happens, it usually lasts around 20 minutes with her. Before all her teeth had finished coming through, we were getting them roughly twice a week. Since then, the frequency has been much more variable – sometimes 2–3 times a week, but sometimes only like once a week (only counting the bad ones and meltdowns here).

It’s not so much the frequency that I’m wondering about, but the intensity and length of them.

When they happen, they can feel almost more like a meltdown than a typical tantrum. My daughter becomes completely hysterical and cries continuously, sometimes even gagging. I can’t touch or comfort her, and talking to her seems to make things worse (I can barely hear my own voice anyway). If I try to move away, or even move much at all, it can escalate things and she’ll thrash about. Usually all I can do is stay nearby, avoid too much eye contact or interaction, and make sure she’s safe.

Most last around 20 minutes, but a particularly bad one can go on for 30 minutes or so. She’s been having tantrums/meltdowns like this since she was around 12 months old.

Once it’s over, she does eventually come out of it, but during it there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do to help her regulate.

I’d be really interested to hear what tantrums are like for other toddlers around 2–3 years old. How long do yours tend to last? Can your child be comforted or distracted, or do you just have to wait it out? Does anyone else’s toddler have episodes that feel more like a meltdown than a conventional tantrum?

That’s really interesting, thank you. DD’s speech is actually quite good for her age too, but once she gets overwhelmed it seems like language just completely goes out of the window. Tiredness definitely makes it more likely, but it can happen at other times too, and sometimes the trigger isn’t even very obvious — she can go from mildly irritated or frustrated to a full meltdown within seconds.

I was hoping better speech might shorten them, but so far it hasn’t seemed to make much difference. It’s really helpful to hear how things changed for your DD though, and hopefully we might see something similar as she gets a bit older.

That’s really helpful, thank you for explaining it in so much detail. I really like the idea of offering the calming option right at the start, before it tips into a full meltdown.

DD tends to get very hyper when she’s overtired and struggles to relax — running around, climbing all over me, getting more and more wound up — and then she’ll completely crash into a meltdown afterwards. We’ve found that sometimes a massage helps her calm down, and she has even fallen asleep during one, so I’ve started asking “Do you want a massage?” when I can see that sort of overtiredness building. But like you said, it’s very hit and miss, and it doesn’t really help if the meltdown is about something other than tiredness.

I had a look at the whale too — thank you for the link! I can see how having the room darker with the projector on could be really calming. I might look into something similar and see whether DD takes to it. Really appreciate you sharing what works for your daughter.

Thanks so much everyone for all the replies — it’s been really helpful reading such a range of experiences.

I think my main takeaway is that DD’s tantrums do sound more like meltdowns than the shorter, more typical tantrums some of you described, particularly because once she’s fully in one she can’t really be touched, spoken to or distracted, and even me moving can make things worse.

It’s also been reassuring in a way to hear from people whose children have had very similar episodes, and that for some of them it has improved with age. At the same time, I do feel a bit more confident that I wasn’t imagining that DD finds this sort of emotional regulation particularly difficult compared with some children her age.

I’m definitely going to keep an eye on the pattern, especially tiredness and what happens just before she tips into a full meltdown, and try some of the calming ideas before she gets to that point.

Yes, both my daughters had tantrums like this. Usually they would be screaming and crying and trying to do something unsafe like hit their head on the floor, so I take them into the safest room (usually the living room) and sit in front of the door so they can’t get out. Then I just let them tantrum and occasionally ask them if they want a hug. After a long time, could be up to 40 mins, they just drop it and suddenly want a hug or to pick up a book etc and move on. My older daughter (6) grew out of it a long time ago. My younger daughter is 3 so isn’t past it yet.

During the tantrums there was no point in me asking them if they needed help or giving them a hug because they would be mindless with the tantrum and would just try to hit me most of the time.

Your post definitely brings back memories! Ours were very much like this and I just had to wait it out until she would calm enough for a cuddle. Pretty frequent while she was 2 and 3 but now she’s a pretty chilled 8 year old, no other needs, just had a lot of energy to keep going with it!

That sounds very similar to what I mean by the full-on stage. DD doesn’t usually try to hit me, but once she’s in it there’s no point trying to talk to or comfort her either — I just have to stay nearby and keep her safe until she comes out of it herself.
It’s reassuring to hear your older DD grew out of that stage:)

@Oldermumofone That’s really reassuring to hear, thank you. Do you remember roughly how long the full-on part used to last at that age?
The “wait it out until she was calm enough for a cuddle” sounds very familiar. It’s helpful to know she was like this at 2–3 and is now a chilled 8-year-old with no other needs.

It’s hard to remember clearly but well over half an hour wasn’t unusual and it was really hard to judge when to try to get her out of it when to try a distraction, when to offer a cuddle and when to just leave her to it!
She would sometimes lash out at us during them which was so out of character from her usual loving way and we learnt there was little point revisiting it as she could barely remember it, but just stood firm that she didn’t get her own way.
She gradually learnt to calm more quickly but her school reports said ‘learning to handle her emotions better’ for a few years!
It was really stressful at times but in the end is a relatively short stage. Hope yours is short lived too.

Thanks so much, that’s really helpful to hear — especially that well over half an hour wasn’t unusual for her too. It’s reassuring to know she gradually learnt to calm more quickly as she got older.
I can really relate to the difficulty of knowing when to try something and when to just leave it alone, as sometimes even a small attempt to help seems to make DD worse. Thank you for taking the time to explain it all, and I really hope it is a relatively short-lived phase for us too!

To give you hope I have four. All grown up. I have no memory of tantrums at all. They probably did have them but they are wiped from my mind and as far as I can remember they were always smiling and happy. Times a great healer.

I just remembered something OP that might help. DS1 didn't have great speech which definitely helped trigger more tantrums. I drew some coloured faces on the wall showing different stages of anger, I think it went from yellow to orange to red and purple, something like that. Purple meant untouchable meltdown. The key was to never let him get beyond it so when the tantrum was beginning I'd hold up the paper and he would show me where he was and it gave me time to intervene. Much later when in school I learned about the sensory 'zones of regulation' which is a colour system used for regulation and very similar to my home made version. It's used for kids probably mostly with SEN who need help regulating but also can be really useful for younger kids too. Once they can talk they can name the emotions and that can help. I work with little kids now and we have a little man who gets overwhelmed sometimes and he will shout 'the red is coming!' and run to a special corner where he pushes a wall or hugs himself and regulates in this way, in the past he would have lashed out. As the months go on he rarely needs to do this because he can regulate successfully now.

Thanks so much for coming back with this — that’s a really interesting idea, and I can see how it could be useful once she’s a bit older and better able to identify what she’s feeling.

DD’s speech is actually fairly good for her age, but she’s still only 2.5 so I’m not sure she’d be able to recognise or communicate the stages yet. The other difficulty is that she can often go from mildly frustrated to a full meltdown within seconds, so there isn’t always much of a window to intervene. Once she starts crying, showing her something or trying to engage her can also seem to add to the stimulation and make things worse.

But I’m definitely going to keep the colour/zones idea in mind for later — thank you for taking the time to explain it.