Move for the children’s future or stay where we are happy?

[BeUniqueOtter]

I really don’t know what to do.

We live in one of the most deprived areas of the UK but have quite a lot of money.

I would love to move away to get a better life for our children/ future grandchildren.

The problem is we’re really happy here - good jobs, children are happy in school, gorgeous house.

My husband likes the familiarity of home and loves our house.

I can’t help but think of the future though. We’ve both said how we can’t imagine our children becoming older teens here and going out in a really rough town. We also can’t walk to anywhere from our house so everywhere is a car journey.

The children are 11 and 14 so if we don’t do it now I don’t think we will ever be able to.

We had found a house and our house is under offer almost at exchange but my husband now has major cold feet. What if we haven’t got the location right? What if the children don’t settle? What if we miss our old house/life?

Any perspectives would be much appreciated. It’s 4am and I’ve been awake all night again! The children are supposed to start their new school next week!

I’m terrified of making a mistake either way.

In pretty much the exact same situation I moved. I regret it. We all horribly miss our old home, and the dc didn't love the new place the way we thought they would. I wish we'd stayed, although I know there would be other concerns by now.

Do your dc have friends you are happy with in this very rough town? What are their plans after school?

My dc grew up in a rural area. Fab way of life, great education, not so good for jobs, although he did have a Saturday job all through 6th form. The expectation was always that he would go to uni and move at that point to a city with all the opportunities he will need.

My daughter has good friends I’m mostly happy with, my son not so much.

Neither know what they want to do after school.

Did your children end up moving away after uni to a city?

I have read the best thing you can do to ensure your children are successful is raise them in a good area

Did your children end up moving away after uni to a city?

We haven't got to that stage yet, but I expect he will, and that's fine with me. I'd like him to experience a mix of lifestles before he settles down.

I think you're doing the right thing. Outside influences can be really strong. We made the move and have never regretted it, although we didn't love the house or area and knew it was declining and had to leave before dc got too much older (drugs, violent crime, shootings).

We were in a similar situation years ago
but the kids were younger. We rented out our nice house that we loved and bought another in a safer area with better schools. I don’t regret it but for those years (7) I’ve not felt like I’ve been home. We moved back into our ‘home’ recently.
Can you do similar or just rent in the new area to see whether you’d like it?

The reasoning to move needs to be compelling. If not, you get cold feet because of the faff of moving, and massive disruption to everyone's social lives.

What's the driver? Everything is perfect for everyone but it'd be rather nice to live in a safer town for your children to go out in as older teens? You've been managing fine with a 14 year old. You could apply the same strategies to a 16 or 17 year old that you successfully apply to your happy 14 year old today.

On the surface, your reasoning doesn't immediately sound compelling.

I have a friend that was concerned about uni student loan debt hitting 70-100k for a 4 year course, the graduate job market being saturated, the increasing number of graduate NEETs, house price inflation meaning kids today may never buy, having to build an annex for both kids to live with her until 30-40, and working until 70 to pay for it all and to give them £100k-200k+ each for house deposits with her and her DH as the engine of the springboard to their children living independently.

So she left England for a region where university was affordable, student rent cheap, graduate job market bouyant, house prices affordable, and kids could live independently from graduation. It was massive disruption, but she didn't look back. Because the reasoning was compelling.

I started reading the post expecting you to say the kids were pre-school / primary age but given one has got to 14 without presumably falling into a bad crowd and able to go out with friends it seems odd to make the move now. They are very much into the teen years already. What is the driver for now and not five years ago? Starting a new school for GCSEs will be tough.

Not being able to walk around the streets outside your house is extreme.

I would move.

I feel you’ve already missed the boat if your eldest is 14 tbh, that’s a really bad time to disrupt their schooling (unless it isn’t going well, but you said happy in school).

location is important

Move

We couldn’t do it until now because we had family members still around/alive at home and a family business.

I'm sorry to hear of the bereavement. I would say that a happy 14 year old is too old to move as the impact to their social circles would be massive unless the plan is to commute to the same school and that that commute is manageable for the next 4 years.

In principle, I am absolutely with you on choosing the location in which I live based on the environment that provides for the children. I work internationally and will not accept a post if the international schools are not top notch and a good fit as I won't consider UK boarding as an option. However I wouldn't move a child beyond 13 unless there was an issue at school due to poor performance, bullying, or incompatible school values.

So, I hear you but you may have passed the window to move the 14 year old comfortably - unless they are fully on board and raring to go.

I think you are trying to compare 'could be/could happen' with 'what we have have enjoyed' and that isn't easy. For all you say about the area you live in, you felt it was OK to lie there when you first bought your house. Has much changed? Do the kids like where you live? Do they want to move?

I am going to buck the trend here, and say stay where you are until that point, which may not come along for quite a while, when the balance tips and you are all on 'page moving'.

Fears for your children out on their own in a familiar, if not totally safe, area can be good preparation for when they go to uni and live in less desirable areas (because that's where lots of student accommodation is). Don't wrap them in cotton wool. I've never had to worry about my kids out at night because they grew up in a South London crime hotspot and they know how to handle themselves, how to spot the dangers and how to keep themselves safe. Of course, I have no idea what your area is like at all, but we are all a bit concerned about gangs, peer pressure etc, but know your children and give them the confidence to say no.

@BeUniqueOtter I grew up somewhere rural, my friends were very scattered, and yes we all went away for university and then moved to cities.

I can imagine living somewhere beautiful but deprived (eg Barrow, Blackpool, bits of Penrith) would be really hard. I'm grateful as an adult that I'm somewhere I can get the bus, walk, cycle, move of which were possible where I grew up because it was the middle of nowhere with fast roads and no footpaths.

Move if employment prospects are better

So we made the move and have been thrown a real curve ball.
Our 14yr old boy has settled well (very surprising!) and is embracing new friends (much better friends for him for the future). He can walk to football practise, school, shops etc. Has beautiful bike trails on the doorstep. He’s also doing well in school - not a single behaviour point so far which is unheard of!

However, our 12yr old daughter is miserable. She is terribly homesick and misses her friends, old school etc. The new school is outstanding but she says she can’t have a laugh in class and the teachers are not fun so school is boring. She says the other girls don’t like her and she hasn’t made any friends. She was really popular at her old school.

I know it’s early days but I feel awful inside. She was so happy in our old house.

Our house sale hasn’t gone through yet and we’re staying in a rental so we still do have the option to return - she keeps asking to go home.

Maybe we’re just destined to be in a s*hithole place forever. I’ve said we’ll give it to Friday and reassess. I know my son will go back to his old friends also if we return which isn’t a good thing!

Oh that’s such a shame your dd is feeling miserable and hasn’t settled well. Your head must be all over the place. I would say give it time. It’s still really fresh and early days. How long could you wait before you absolutely have to commit fully (eg houses sold/bought etc)

Your DD can only have been at school a few days. I would give it at least a term if you can especially if it is helping your DS's behaviour.

I’ve been in tears over it - awake all night. We have at least two weeks. I have no problem at all with telling the buyers of our old house to get stuffed - they’ve messed us around for weeks now.

I feel if we go back though that that’s it we’re stuck there forever because the kids will get huge ties like partners and really strong friendships. Deep down I know that the area is not great and in decline.

Only 2 days but it’s been heartbreaking!

My son has amazed me, he’s slotted right in. Kids are already fistpumping him when we come out of CoOp! 😂

We’re going to give it 2 more weeks if I can stand it. It doesn’t help that we’re in a tiny rental and it’s not our proper house. We’ve moved from a huge house with 5 acres. Everything is just a bit sh*t for them at the minute.

Gosh OP, I really think you need to stick it out more! In a way it probably hasn’t helped fhat you haven’t completed on your house sale/purchase as you’ve got that in the back of your mind as a fall back? Imagine if you had sold the old house and had moved into your new one in this town. What would you tell your daughter? In reality it’d be something like, it’s going to feel hard for a while but we have to get on with it, there is no going back! It won’t help her to have the idea fhat you could move back if you see what I mean.

I have some personal experience of this as we moved (countries!) when my son was 8. He took nine months to settle. Missed his old friends and school terribly. But there was no option but to carry on. Four years on he has a ton of friends, lovers life, has a lot of independence in our lovely town.

You really need to give it time. A few days is nothing! And at her age, it will work out.