In laws not giving my toddler enough food

[Reesy89]

I have an 18 month old son. He can be a bit tricky to feed at times (not for me) but other people. I help with spoon feeding and he’s independent with finger foods etc.
whenever I leave him with my in laws, the common thing they say ‘he’s not eaten much’. He hardly eats for them and he always comes home with most of his snacks and meals (that’s I pack) untouched. So I end up having to give him Weetabix etc right before his bed time because he’s starving and unsettled in the night other wise, after being over there. I feel like they don’t try enough. They also don’t like mess so don’t let him make mess whilst eating his fingers foods etc.
my in laws pester my other half for our son to stay the night there, I’m not comfortable with it because I can’t bare the thought of being starving all day and through the night.
i can’t keep making excuses anymore on why he can’t stay the night, how can i be polite about this?
since having my son I feel like my relationship with my mother in law has changed, she just infuriates me over certain things regarding my son.
I know it’s not a huge deal but it does play on my mind.

She presumably managed to feed your husband sufficiently that he made it into adulthood?

I don’t really understand your ‘I can’t keep making excuses’ … they are feeding him, despite the claim in your title, they are giving him enough food since you are the one who packed the lunch?
If he’s not eating it I don’t understand how you can blame them.

So how did she raise her son?

Yanbu. It’s a phase though, and will pass when your ds gets more adapt at feeding himself.

I’d stall on the over night stays, just say you don’t feel ready for that. In another 6 months he should be able to feed himself better, and be able to explain if he is still hungry. It will pass.

Nothing unreasonable about finding someone irritating when they give your precious child insufficient food. Hopefully that will pass too

he always finishes his meals with me but has just mouthfuls of the meals with them that I pack, and snacks come home unopened, that is my point I feel like they don’t prompt snacks etc as some things come home unopened.

Is it the end of the world to have to give him some weetabix? If he was hungry he would eat.
If he stays and is hungry and unsettled at night then they can deal with it.

Maybe chuck a wipe clean mat for under his chair and more wipes at them and reiterate he'll eat more if he can involve himself in finger foods

A bit odd that some people depsite ops post think there is only one inlaw, and both assuming that in law is a woman.

Our son ate poorly for other people, the more they encouraged the more he refused, so for us him being a little hungry wasn’t unusual if he had been looked after by someone else. He was better if he was looked after at home, rather than going to their house. So it looks like he is being given plenty of food, he just doesn’t want to wat it.

It sounds like they’re hoping he would actually eat the meal if they didn’t fill him full of snacks?
Ultimately he can’t be that hungry or he would eat it. 18 month olds are notoriously fussy, he probably wants Wheatabix when he’s come because he likes it not because he’s starving. Many toddlers hold out with food.

@Simonjt A bit odd that some people depsite ops post think there is only one inlaw, and both assuming that in law is a woman.

Its hardly odd, OP specifically mentions her MIL.

I’d keep the eating to one side and say he’s too young to stay over.
I was going to suggest a mat for mess as a PP said. Some children do eat better at home or for one parent.
Could you send a lunchbox with compartments so that everything is open and available?

I presumed the words mother in law meant women

Just be really honest about it.

Just say ‘ He doesn’t eat much whilst there so I’d worry he’d be starving before bed’

It’s a completely valid concern.

There’s no reason your in laws couldn’t try him with Weetabix before bed if he hadn’t eaten much .
if you don’t want him to stop over that is absolutley your choice but don’t make it about the food if that isn’t the real reason.

If it really is about the food, if he doesn’t settle or wakes up hungry during the night, then they have been warned. Having somewhere he is comfortable staying over might be very helpful to you at some point so the sooner he gets used to it the better.

Worth remembering that in laws have been parents and most have not let their children starve, even on fussy days.

My late DH used to be paranoid about mess when my first DD was that age, constantly wiping her and the high chair table when she was trying to eat. She became a very fussy eater as a result and even now, aged 27, she's fussy about what foods she'll have.

You can either approach it that you don't feel ready in yourself to have him away from you overnight, or put the onus on his eating but rather than outright accusing them of not feeding him, maybe phrase it that you don't want him staying until he's got better at eating at theirs, due to him being unsettled in the evening/at night as he's hungry.

What centiles is he on?

Because 7th and 10th... I have sympathy
80th and 85th... I'd say unclench.

i can’t keep making excuses anymore on why he can’t stay the night, how can i be polite about this?
You don't make excuses. You say we dont want him to have any.sleepovers. Its not personal.

Only allow DS to stay over if he is happy doing so.

Send a lunch box with foods in open compartments.
Give hints - eg. DS likes everyone sitting at the table etc. Time of meals Xxx Bed time Xxx
For when DS is not eating ..
Tell PILs about weatabix milk and favourite fruit and vege. DS like fish fingers etc.

If either you or DH is unhappy with 2 year old staying over, wait until he is older.

So what? Some children eat better than others
I work with plenty of kids who would genuinely starve if left with others who aren’t prepared to feed them in the way they need to be fed. For example general fussy eaters, those less used to texture, additional needs, messy eaters, active eaters, ARFID etc etc. All children are different, just because you’ve raised one doesn’t mean you can necessarily raise them all! Also, maybe OPs DH was underweight as a child, you never know!

OP, I’d just be saying that as he doesn’t seem to eat as well at theirs that he can’t do an overnight! Keep it simple and honest.

I think you have an easy way to say no to sleepovers. He can’t stay over until he is more comfortable eating enough when he it at your house MIL.

I would simply say ‘he doesn’t eat enough with you, so overnights aren’t possible yet!’. Children are unsettled as it is without their parents, throw hunger into the mix and it would be unfair to leave him there overnight.

Are they providing childcare for DS regularly? If so, that does change the dynamic and has pros and cons.

I wouldn’t want my DC of that age staying overnight with extended family unless there was a specific reason, eg DH or I unwell or wanting to attend a wedding miles away.

If they just want to have DS to visit, without you or DP, would reduce the duration of the visits, or if you don’t want to and he seems content just give him food when you get home, as you have been.

Just be honest and say he doesn’t eat much with you so I’m reluctant for him to stay over. They might make more of an effort. You could also say can he have this snack at X time and this snack at Y time so they know to give them to him.

Its actually amazing the lack of food a toddler can survive on i really wouldn't stress over it

You also say that mil infuriates you since ds birth. Has that got anything to do with you not wanting ds to stay over or you feeling that that are not feeding him properly?

If your concern is really that he doesn't eat well when he's there, say that.

But, if he was hungry (enough) he would eat, and if he's unsettled in the night they're the ones having to deal with it, so I'd pick different battles.

Maybe stop leaving him alone with them until he is a bit older