Four week old unsettled after night feed and I am exhausted- send help

[SharM1018]

I have a 4 week and his night time has become exhausting.

He has a bath then a 5oz bottle and he falls asleep about 9pm….. He wakes bout 1am for his next,another bottle at 5oz, he usually poops, burped and back to bed…. That’s when everything goes downhill…..he settles for 10mins and then wakes up restless and this continues for hours! I try burping him, white noise, swaddling, rocking, nothing works….. he has a dummy which he either spits out and acts like he can’t find OR he sucks on it like I haven’t just feed him.

I have no idea what to do. I am at the point that I’m crying cause I’m so tired and frustrated at 3am.

I don’t have anyone to get up with him and I have a 13month so can’t just take him for a walk.

any help is appreciated

Thank you! My two are completely different similar to yourself.

I already have two cold waters in the fridge prepped the night before and I have YouTube ready to watch.

Does your partner do any of the feeds? Could he put baby to bed so you can go to bed early and get some sleep before getting up for the after midnight feed?

You're meant to feed on demand
Crying is demand.

No he hasn’t done a single night feed and has only done three feeds during the day since he was born. He can sleep through the crying and just rolls over if he does wake up and goes back to sleep.

he is a ‘I’ll tell you what you should be doing and what your doing wrong but I won’t help you or support you’ kinda person.

Not every cry means feeding though and I understand feeding on demand but I am not going to overfeed my child just for him to be sick and comfy and not help the situation.

He is having 5oz with every feed which is not any longer than 3 and half hours and he is gaining weight and has never dropped it.

co sleeping isn’t an option due to circumstances.

You have a partner problem more than a baby problem.

Think about it this way, your partner is supposed to love and support you, and instead he sees you up most of the night crying with exhaustion and goes back to sleep. Frankly it's disgusting.

With a bottle fed baby he has zero excuse. He should be sharing the nights with you. Alternate nights or dividing the nights in two. We started off by splitting the night in two, shifting the responsibility about 3 am. Then we went to alternate nights for a while, so one of us got a proper night sleep but got up with baby, and the other one was awake all night but had a slight lie in. Then back to sharing the nights when sleeping deteriorated again.

Is he pulling his weight during the day? I'm going to guess no because no man is this cruel to his partner at night and the model of fatherhood in the day. Plus three bottles in a month is baffling.

Yes it will be lovely if your baby became more settled, but that's tiny babies for you. The big issue is your partner. To say it's not good enough is an understatement.

Does he finish the bottle every feed?
Is he only feeding every 3.5 hours during the day? He may need more to help through the night, but I don't think you can hope for any longer gaps at this age.
Mine fed every 2 hours day and night at 4 weeks - that's still tiny.

You need to be kicking your partner out of bed, and/or making him do the early morning feeds to give you some rest. He needs to bring doing far more!

could he be craving skin to skin? im convinced some babies are born scared of the dark. maybe he just wants to know the wolves won’t get him.

id try cosleeping. youll be too exhausted to keep this up otherwise.

edit: ah just saw you wont co sleep. you may just need to wait it out.

I have a baby the same age and co sleep in bed with her from 7pm as my partner has to get up early for work And I’m breastfeeding. If I wasn’t co sleeping we’d take it in turns to be up with them for shifts in the night (with him bringing her up to me for feeds) as baby is still so young.

Are you going to bed as early as you can? My husband puts the older ones to bed while I go to sleep with the baby at least.

my youngest was bottle fed, and she also didn't settle well through the night for a while. It did eventually settle, but she still doesn't sleep reliably through the night at nearly 4!!
What helped was eventually figuring out she was actually having too much milk in the middle of the night, and that she just needed to be held. It is so hard, while you figure it out, especially when you have older children who were so different, and also have needs, so you can't just sleep whenever you have a chance, because there is no chance.
The 4-6 week growth spurt is hardest, as they are still newborn so you haven't yet managed to recover enough to have the strength reserves to continue.
You have to tell your partner tough, he must help, as you are not physically coping. If not, is there anyone else you could help you, just for a night or 2, so that you can rest a bit more.
And remember, this too shall pass - even if painfully slowly - it will get better!

I’m 11 months in now, and honestly, my daughter was exactly like this at that age. I remember those nights so well, and I really feel for you. ❤️
Have you tried lots of skin-to-skin contact? Obviously, falling asleep with your baby on your chest or next to you isn’t safe, but if you know you can stay fully awake ,or there’s someone there who can make sure you don’t doze off, you could try letting him settle on your chest for a while before transferring him back to his cot. That used to really calm my daughter down.
Another random thing that made a surprisingly big difference for us was the way we prepared her formula. You can find videos on Instagram showing ways to prepare bottles without creating loads of bubbles/foam, which can mean less swallowed air. It sounds like such a tiny thing, but for us it genuinely helped with her nighttime discomfort.
And please don’t beat yourself up for feeling frustrated or crying at 3am. I’ve absolutely been there. The sleep deprivation at that stage is brutal, especially when you’ve got another tiny one to look after as well. You’re only four weeks in and everything still feels relentless, but it does change. Hang in there — I promise this exact stage won’t last forever. ❤️

Oh I am aware….. he has six kids in total, 2 with me and 4 with his ex. He never did any with our oldest and went back to work two days after she was born.

no he doesn’t help with housework or contribute to the household.

he is currently 5 hours away for the week with work, voluntarily.

he is literally that voice in my head that tells me what I’m doing wrong and makes me feel small….. I already have one of those 😂

Your partner is a dick @SharM1018. Chill an extra bottle of water and put it on the small of his back next time he won't stay awake while you struggle all night with a baby that he helped create. If you're up, he's up. These are his children too. Was he this useless with the first child?

Why are you with him?

He clearly doesn't give a damn about you or the kids.

I find it unbelievable that you have one baby with him let alone 2 knowing what he's like, but it's too late now.

What is he adding to your lives right now? I'm not really one for suggesting relationship changes when you just had a baby, but the pattern with him is so ingrained ,I'd suggest a serious talk, about him stepping up or getting out. And stepping up doesn't just mean the occasional feed or nappy.

I love that idea but It’s not worth the tantrum he would throw if I did…..

with our first child yes, he did no night feeds and very few day feeds, she was a very easy child though as a baby (13 months old now)

I have no idea when it comes to his older 4 but I know he supports them (in all ways) more than he does his younger two.

unfortunately there’s more but I have don’t want to pour more fuel on the mama bear fire 😂

Guys, are you all okay? 😅 Everyone’s jumped straight to telling her to get a divorce, but why? It’s not like he’s left her at home with the baby while he’s off cheating on her!
Yes, the fact that her husband isn’t supporting her at night is definitely a problem and something they need to sort out, but surely jumping straight to divorce could create an even bigger problem? Maybe things will get better. They’re both brand-new parents and still trying to figure all of this out.

So without going into too much detail, there is something that happened in my past which if we broke up and he got toxic and petty means he could take the kids and I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.
And he knows this is my biggest fear regarding me and him if we broke up

your comment made me chuckle for some reason…. This isn’t either of our first rodeos when it comes to babies.

as for your cheating comment, I mean that wouldn’t surprise me tbh

Haha fair enough — I obviously didn’t know this wasn’t your first baby! I was only going by what was in the post. 😅
But I still think Mumsnet can sometimes go from “he needs to step up” to “divorce him immediately” at record speed 😂 Not defending him at all — he absolutely should be helping you more, especially at night. I just hope things improve for you before it gets anywhere near that point.
And judging by what you’ve just said about the cheating… I may have picked a terrible example there 😂

I’m willingly to try anything so will try skin to skin…… it’s not I won’t co sleep it’s the fact I can’t co sleep as it wouldn’t be safe.

Oh it’s okay don’t worry regarding the cheating comment

Unfortunately I don’t have a village I can call on.
just my partner.

oh yes, this is a prime example of every child is different 🙈

my partner is away at the moment so on my own.

Have you sought any help and advice regarding this? It's easy to think he'd be able to take the kids, and he may be using it to blackmail you in to stay effectively, but if we have to be very extreme circumstances in your past which would make it a risk.

And realistically he's not going to want to take the kids. He can't even be bothered to make a bottle when he's awake. He's a waste of space father, who plays no role in caring for the children you have together by the sound of it. In terms of the other four, how often does he see them? I'm guessing they're not with you full time or even half the time, or you'd mention it. And given he says nothing wrong the household that would mean you looking after six kids. So I'm assuming he doesn't see them much either.

But surely he would not 'take the kids' it sounds like he has little or no interest in them. He sounds bloody awful to be honest but presumably he manages to at least financially support all 6?

Do you really want to stay with a man like this? Could you support yourself if you left? A huge challenge with 2 babies so I completely understand this may be impossible at the moment.