Was my neighbour dismissive about me considering an elective C-section after trauma?

[MumLifeUnfiltered]

I've been trying to conceive for a few months. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is almost 12. I was speaking to my neighbour about giving birth as she's just had a baby via planned C Section 4 weeks ago.

Back story: I had an extremely traumatic birth with my daughter, 80+ hours of labour, admitted to hospital at 2cm dilated as they were concerned, 3rd degree tear and episiotomy, failed ventouse and forceps delivery due to my daughter getting stuck in the birth canal. I ended up going to theatre for an hour so they could sew me up and repair the tear and cut as it was too difficult to do in the room. I was then readmitted to hospital 5 days post partum due to having a severe infection and needing IV antibiotics for a few days. I also had to be under a Gynecologist for 7 years due to my scar tissue not healing correctly, I had to have physio on my scar for 3 years and I've had to have 3 surgeries to help with the pain. I have been discharged from the gynaecologist for a few years now as the final surgery seemed to work(still have some pain every now and then).

Anyway on to the actual conversation now. I mentioned that I may look into an elective C section due to everything I went through with my daughter and everything after. She basically told me that I would be stupid to do that and I should just give birth naturally as any kind of natural labour is nowhere near as bad as having a C Section. I get that C Sections aren't the easy option and is MAJOR abdominal surgery. I haven't even made a decision I just said I was considering it as an option as was told by my Gynaecologist that it would probably be the best route for me if I have any more children. It made me really really shit like she was saying that what I went through wasn't traumatic and like she was diminishing it. Am I overreacting feeling this way? I never said anything to her at the time I just moved on from the conversation but it's left me feeling a bit upset.

I mean she had a caesarian 4 weeks ago. I understand why it was a bit upsetting but at the same time presumably she's in pain, can't drive, can only just pick up her baby (maybe?), and was trying to hold a conversation about the benefits of a caesarian... perhaps not the best person to talk to about it for a balanced view.

Your birth choice is your choice, it’s no one else’s business. FWIW I would make rhe same choice you have. Weird she’s being so judgemental when she had an elective CS?

OP she had a c-section 4 weeks ago, it’s all very raw for her and she’s in the trenches of having a newborn. Cut her some slack.

I also imagine she doesn’t know the full extent of your history. Sorry but I think you’re over reacting.

She's your neighbour, not your doctor. She's nobody.

Some people out there have some really stupid views about elective c-sections. I had a judgy comment from a child-free man last year, old friend from uni, and I couldn't even be bothered to explain how ignorant he was being.

You have several good reasons why an elective c section is a good decision for you. I hope it goes well.

You are reading waaaay too much info this,

its just an opinion

hope you have a pleasant experience this time

She's got a nerve if she had an elective CS, telling anyone else what to do. Mind you, no one (medics aside) should tell others what to do unless asked.

Yes, CS can have major risks, and no one is denying that, but your gynae knows better than she does about your needs.

It's a reminder that if you don't want someone to express an opinion on something, dont tell them about that something. And that goes tenfold for anythign relating to pregnancy, childbirth or parenting.

I think she was insensitive and of course you have every right to have a c section after what you've been through (or just because you want one without any medical reason). I do agree with the PP though that she may have had a really hard recovery and although she had a planned c section it may not have been through choice- could have been for a medical reason.

It is extreme that she was so judgemental that you wanted one but I'm guessing she's had a difficult recovery.

I have no idea why she would think natural labour isn't as bad though, it absolutely can be and worse, as you have personally experienced. There is no easy way to give birth so you have to choose what is right for you and an elective c section definitely sounds like the right thing for you.

Don't let her make you feel shit, she's clearly having a difficult time and her opinion means nothing with regard to your decisions regarding birth.

That’s a really weird reaction especially because it’s nothing to do with her. I had a caesarean and it was a really positive experience. It wasn’t my first choice but my ELCS was calm and predictable and while it was probably a more difficult recovery than a straightforward vaginal birth, it was almost certainly easier than a difficult instrumental vaginal birth, both physically and mentally. People say it’s not the easy way out but in all honesty I consider my ELCS the easy way out compared to the emotional and physical trauma you went through after your birth. I’m not here to convince you either way how to have your baby because that’s down to you but just to share that as a mother who gave birth via caesarean it was absolutely fine and I’d happily donate same for second baby. Good luck with everything.

Just to say any ELCS is any caesarean which is booked in advance as opposed to an EMCS which is after labour has started. Many of those are medically necessary (for example placenta previa) as well as maternal request.

I had a planned c-section with no2 due to trauma and again for no 3 altho that was ‘medical’.

I can’t comment for other ppl, but my c-section was easy compared to 4th degree tears and a 1.5l blood loss. I was back to normal life (other than gym) by week 4. And not to mention that psychological fuckery of thinking my child wouldn’t make it…

I found. It very bizarre how passionate some women got about my choice, like it was a personal slight against them. Lots of unsolicited opinions off people … two spring to mind a woman at work who was hell bent on talking me out as c-sections aren’t easy, an aunty who was obsessed because her growth scan was wrong (I’d already had one 99th centile baby) and didn’t even have them with no2 (who was off the growth chart!). I can’t remember anything with no3 but dunno if it’s cos I just didnt care!

I think it’s a case of wrong audience for that conversation!
shes only jusy had a c-section, could she be feeling slighted by you and thought you were being rude or dismissive of the pain she is currently going through?
just wondering if it’s a case of crossed wires and to her it may have sounded like you were singing the praises of how easy c-sections are compared to your vaginal labour, and her having literally just having had a c-section felt like you were diminishing her birth experience or
cslling it the easy way? Just a theory

Kindly, who the fuck is she?

nobody, that’s who.

And so I am. But to re-balance the scales of the universe: I had an elective c-section because I was scared of a vaginal birth. My scar is tiiiiny. I have no numbness, no issues at all. I was out and about after 10 days like nothing had happened. I was back exercising after 4 weeks.

Thats just one c section and any others I may have could be horrendous. But that’s the point. It’s YOUR body and each experience is unique.

You're allowed to have whatever birth you want.

Agree with this. Don't tell a neighbour about birth plans unless close friends, just keep it all quiet general.

Apologies I probably missed out some important context. She was telling me about how great she was feeling how recovery has been an absolute breeze this time(it's her 3rd section). She has been going out on walks every day and says how easy the baby has been. However I completely understand your point still and probably shouldn't have mentioned it.

It's probably not about the choice so much as she's just had a baby and recovering, you aren't even pregnant yet but managed to make the conversation about you and your theoretical future births. She was probably lashing out a bit as what she wanted to hear was "that sounds hard, congratulations on the baby, is there anything I can do?"

We were having this conversation as I was holding and feeding her baby and asking her how she was doing recovery wise. She said how amazing she felt, how recovery had been a breeze this time round(3rd section) and how easy the baby has been compared to her first two. She then asked me about me trying to conceive and how that was going and asked why I had waited so long to have another and that's when I brought it up x

Your birth is between you and your doctor.

if you come to me to have a conversation about it, I will be honest and say that I think choosing an invasive abdominal surgery if you have other safe options is crazy. I say this as a person who had no real choice and had to have a very involved c-section with a tough recovery.

this is not a conversation to have with random people. We all have our own experiences. The only person with the knowledge to advise on your specific situation is your doctor.

OP You don’t need to justify your decision to your neighbour or to anybody else.

It is your decision and yours alone.

Congrats and best of luck with whatever you decide to do 👶🏻☺️

Thank you for that. She knows about my birth experience as she asked why I waited so long to have another child so I explained and that's when I also said I'm considering an elective section because of it x

My Gynaecologist said before I was discharged that if I ever have any future children I should seriously consider a C-section due to all the issues I had and number of surgeries I had to have too x

I had an EMCS without having been in labour.

I had a few opinions shared with me, when I chose to have an elective with my 2nd, that left me feeling like my 1st birth experience was being minimised. You don't have to have any other reason for choosing an elective other than you want to. And I'm so glad I did it, the mental and physical recovery was easier for me this time.

Don't worry about what she said - it's just an opinion and you don't have to take any notice of it! What's important is what you decide to do and given your previous birth experience, a C section sounds like the wise choice.

Agree with other posters here. Your choice and noone else's. From what youve described youve been very brave, and remember others whove never given birth before are choosing elective c sectoons over natural to. Not that your decision needs to be justified in any way. I find some people can have quite outdated views but my own view as an expectant mum myself is if the medical teams are there you do you. You know yourself best.