Relationship with toddler has broken down, mental health is now struggling

[Newbie1993]

Hi,

Newbie here please be kind.

I have a 3.5 year old DS and a 1 year old DS. Prior to his little brother’s arrival my eldest was primarily a ‘mummy’s boy’. However since my youngest’s arrival our relationship has broken down and I am really struggling with my mental health as a result.

On the one day a week when my DH is not at home I have a lovely day with the boys, doing all sorts of fun things and having one on one time with my eldest when the youngest naps.
However when my DH is around my eldest just always wants daddy. Bedtimes are the worst, to the point where if it is my turn to do bedtime he hysterically screams at me, shouts at me and hits me.

I am completely heartbroken that my first baby can treat me like this. I know three year olds push boundaries and I know he probably loves me really but I cannot take it any longer. It has been a year and I have spent so much time in tears over it and thinking I must have done something wrong even though I know I haven’t.

Has anyone experienced this before and has any advice? Do I need to back away from him a bit? Or does DH need to back away from him? Do I stop doing his bedtimes for a while, or does DH stop doing as many bedtimes? My DH is a great dad and does support me in telling my eldest not to be rude to me and hit me etc, but he is definitely the ‘soft touch’ parent and does often ‘give in’ to him which I disagree with. We can’t seem to come to a mutual decision on how to handle this and I feel so close to walking out the door and having some time away because it’s too upsetting being at home.
TIA

TLDR - 3.5 year old became a daddy’s boy since new baby. 1 year on he still always wants daddy and shouts at me and hits me. My mental health is at breaking point. How to handle it.

Your relationship has not broken down.

swings between which parent is favourite are totally normal and yeah it’s not much fun but that’s toddlers for you.

no advice I’m afraid. Your toddler will simply wake up one day and decide he’s changed his mind.

Are you getting support for your mental health OP?

It is hard but is such a normal phase they go through. My oldest has the same issue but the opposite way round, always wants me to do absolutely everything and it intensified when our youngest was born late last year.

What we have been doing is just staying neutral, taking the emotion out of it. We don’t punish or tell her off for wanting me to do something we acknowledge that she is upset, she wants mummy to do whatever it is so for example her story before bed, but that daddy is going to do it today. Acknowledge the feeling, but hold the boundary. And then my husband makes a huge deal of doing it in a funny or silly way that makes it fun for her so they choose a book and he does all the voices much better than I ever manage to do. He’s making a huge effort to make their own little fun times that are just theirs and that has helped a lot. She still asks for me, but she is now much less upset when we say again it’s daddy’s turn, daddy is so excited to do this with you, and then daddy makes it fun in his own way.

My girls from day one loved their Daddy , my eldest didn’t even really cuddle me until she was three or so …I did all the shit work and Daddy got the adoration ! And literally after a few years all they wanted was Mama , some kids are very mercurial . He’ll come round eventually

I'm so sorry, that sounds really hard.

We had a very similar situation - I have a DS who is just 4 and a 1yo DD. From when DD was about 6mo, so DS was a similar age to yours, he had a massive daddy preference. It started gradually and was then suddenly overwhelmingly everywhere.

Roll on 6 months and he still has a slight preference for Daddy, but it's much more equal again. I think it was partly a phase, partly that I was less available because of DD and partly because of certain relationship dynamics that were feeding it.

One issue we had was that whenever I tried to set a boundary with DS he would run to DH in tears saying "Mummy won't let me ...." Or whatever. And DH would assume I was being unreasonable, so would step in to adjudicate.

Even though his resolution was generally the same as what I would have done, it had the effect of undermining my parenting and my relationship with DS because it created a dynamic where I was always bad cop. Stopping that (DH just stopped stepping in and let me deal with it) had the biggest effect of anything we did to reduce the daddy preference. It was quite striking.

The other thing was that we went back to alternating as far as possible who did bedtime. I think the first few times he went out so only I was available .The first few that I did there was definitely some screaming and tantrumming about wanting Daddy. And my goal was to stay calm throughout the tantrum and do bedtime without giving in to the demands to go and give Daddy another cuddle (or whatever). And eventually the tantrum stopped and he did bedtime calmly with me. Over the course of a few weeks, he accepted me doing bedtime again with minimal fuss.

I think this age is one where kids realize they have power to demand what they want. And where it's quite common to go through a daddy phase. And having a baby sibling taking up all Mummy's time just adds to all of that. It's tricky because they are moving on to a new stage and our relationship with them would be changing anyway. But it really stings when they are screaming at you that they don't want you, especially when you used to be their whole world.

Favouring one parent over another can be normal and can also change in different stages of childhood.

Accepting bratty behaviour is not the answer. He can have a preference for daddy to do bedtime story etc, but he should not be allowed to lash out at you. Do not accept that.

Take turns at bedtime, alternate nights or whatever way works for your family, and do not let him dictate. That’s a lot of nonsense. A breezy “mummy is doing bedtime tonight” and if he kicks up a fuss he wastes his own story time. He’ll get on board sharpish if you both send a firm message that he doesn’t get to dictate these things and hit his mother. Your husband should be backing you all the way on this.

Really really normal at this age, even without a little sibling in the mix. I don't get a look in if my husband's around, and my older kids were the same but love me loads now. He'll come back to you 😊 try planning some 1:1 dates with him so dad's not an option, and get some support for your mental health.

I'd take the win. Sit with a nice cuppa downstairs while your dh has to do story number ten and the special song while he dies inside.

Mine did this without having a sibling. They always wanted their dad to do bedtime unless they were ill. I saw it as missing their dad as he'd been at work all day and I was at home.

Cripes - sounds like normal 3 year old behaviour to me.....try not to let it overwhelm you. It really isn't a problem. Is there anything else bothering you?

Entirely normal and it doesn’t mean your relationship has ‘broken down’. Very typical since you had another baby as your focus would have been there. Just wait it out. And get some counselling for your own well-being. His behaviour is completely normal for his age and his adjustment to having a sibling. I’d just let dad do bedtime for now, do Whats easy. He’ll come back to you, he still loves you.

Your toddler is not an adult. He has no capacity to break down a relationship or to ‘treat you’ any way, he is little more than a baby!
Right now he is going through an attachment phase with his father - great. How good you picked a good one!
Spend some 1-1 time with him. Especially if you unwittingly prioritized the baby earlier on.

It is overwhelming and while it is normal and I hope you take some comfort from that @Newbie1993 , please be reassured it is very upsetting. I found it very distressing when my ds went through this phase. So please don’t be upset if any posts are bluntly worded because I felt exactly the same.

I loved it when my kids were all over their dad. Not only was it cute, they were bonding and it was respite for me.

You do know your 3.5 year old hasn’t actually rejected you? He is only little and exploring his relationships and attachments. Perfectly normal.

If the post was about the kid being attached to mum no doubt the replies would scathing against the father!

There is 20 months between my 2 youngest and I recognise absolutely what you’re saying, but please don’t think of it as a broken relationship. It isn’t.

My elder DS went from mamas boy to only daddy overnight when his brother arrived.

V similar behaviours, and it broke my heart. We used to joke I was like some sort of puppy grateful for a crumb of affection.

The thing is, like everything at this age, this is temporal. Took mine about 2 years to be mummy obsessed again, and now at nearly 8 he finds stories about those times hilarious but puzzling.

My theory was to keep on loving him and offering the same affection and attention, not to show when I it was hurtful, but not to accept tantrums or unkindness the same as in any other issue. So offer bedtime, stories and cuddles, and then move on if he doesn’t want them. Maybe cut the daddy time down a little in terms of not pandering to drawn out bedtimes, but otherwise just as normal. And don’t show too much negative emotion. It’s normal
and it’s not really his fault, and it’s not yours.

I had exactly the same. When DS2 was born DS1 wanted only daddy and resented me and the baby. Perfectly normal and temporary.
It lasted about a year or so and was quite useful because it meant DH could do all the bath and bedtime leaving me more time for the baby.

Keep loving him. Don’t back off. It’s normal for them to have a favourite for a while. Things change. Hope you get some support. It’s hard to remember when you’re tired but try to remember to be silly with him even if you have to dig deep. He will be attracted to the playfulness. I know it’s hard when you’re tired -I remember those days well.

Everything will be ok.x

My oldest was always a daddy’s boy. He’s 18 now and has been much closer to me for at least the last 8 yrs or so.
Keep loving him, hard. Arrange plenty of special things for just mummy and you. Things his brother is too young for, for example.

He is a small child. Do not ascribe adult emotions to him. Let daddy do his bedtimes.stay chill.
You have a great relationship. He just wants some daddy time as well.
It is not a rejection of you.
Please speak to your gp and hv about how you feel

My nephew was a mammas boy till
4 and a half and my BIL didn’t even get a look in! He found it very hard,

I think you should look into some help, not because anything is wrong but because it will help you with some strategies for what to do. I think having a little script of what to do can help you keep calm In rough situations. Your partner might need some counselling too if he struggles to hold perfectly reasonable agreed boundaries (otherwise what’s going to happen when your kid pushes back about not wearing a helmet? Watching scary movies? Alcohol ect)

Agree with PP - toddlers/preschoolers really aren't that complex, you're putting a lot of adult feelings on a child when it's simply not the case. I'm a few years further down the line, there's worse to come than a child preferring the other parent so you probably need to find a way to not take it to heart. If you're finding it so difficult then you need to speak to your HV or GP because it might be something that you need help with. Your DS is just doing what 3yos do.

Dd14 was like this especially after her brother was born. She changed her favourite every so often. If it makes you feel any better since she hit teen years she hates both of us equally 😀

You wait. That's it. My son was like this, he only wanted me, then he only wanted his dad and then one day we were all friends again and have been since. I understand this is hurting you but it's just something some toddlers go through. Hope that was helpful in some way.

Ds is just being a 3 years old. Please speak to your GP and Health Visitor, as it's not usual to be thinking of walking out just because your child is favouring the other parent. Wait until they hit their teens!!!