Relationship with toddler has broken down, mental health is now struggling

[Newbie1993]

Hi,

Newbie here please be kind.

I have a 3.5 year old DS and a 1 year old DS. Prior to his little brother’s arrival my eldest was primarily a ‘mummy’s boy’. However since my youngest’s arrival our relationship has broken down and I am really struggling with my mental health as a result.

On the one day a week when my DH is not at home I have a lovely day with the boys, doing all sorts of fun things and having one on one time with my eldest when the youngest naps.
However when my DH is around my eldest just always wants daddy. Bedtimes are the worst, to the point where if it is my turn to do bedtime he hysterically screams at me, shouts at me and hits me.

I am completely heartbroken that my first baby can treat me like this. I know three year olds push boundaries and I know he probably loves me really but I cannot take it any longer. It has been a year and I have spent so much time in tears over it and thinking I must have done something wrong even though I know I haven’t.

Has anyone experienced this before and has any advice? Do I need to back away from him a bit? Or does DH need to back away from him? Do I stop doing his bedtimes for a while, or does DH stop doing as many bedtimes? My DH is a great dad and does support me in telling my eldest not to be rude to me and hit me etc, but he is definitely the ‘soft touch’ parent and does often ‘give in’ to him which I disagree with. We can’t seem to come to a mutual decision on how to handle this and I feel so close to walking out the door and having some time away because it’s too upsetting being at home.
TIA

TLDR - 3.5 year old became a daddy’s boy since new baby. 1 year on he still always wants daddy and shouts at me and hits me. My mental health is at breaking point. How to handle it.

Ah sympathies OP, it is such a hard and vulnerable feeling, but your dc behaviour is SO normal!
I know it doesn’t make it hurt less, but honestly it’s so so normal.
dont take it personally, keep carving out special time and memories together and it will eventually pass.
It only gets harder so get used to letting it not bother you now; my just turned 4 year old screamed in my face that he hates me and I’m stupid (first time and not usual behaviour for him!) Even then I know that he doesn’t mean it and is just trying to get a reaction from me etc etc.

Sympathies OP, but if it helps my 2 year old (only child) DS is OBSESSED with DH. He’s fine if it’s just the two of us but once Dad is an option I’m forgotten about. If they’re playing and I go to join in I often get ‘Mummy go away’ which to his credit DH does not stand for. Like a PP if it’s my turn for bedtime and he cries for Daddy we stick to our guns and DH will explain how excited Mummy is to read a story and have a cuddle and he usually accepts it without much fuss. The pendulum has slowly started to swing back my way just recently, I’m sometimes asked to play even while Daddy is around, so I hope we’re coming out of the phase. It’s been about a year that he’s been like this, for reference.

Your use of the term relationship broken down is concerning. He’s little more than a baby, you’re the adult. This is completely normal toddler behaviour, and it might well be that he is picking up on your feelings which is making him a bit anxious . You and his dad need to make a rota of who will do bedtimes, stories etc which night and stick to it, it might be helpful if his dad goes out so you’re the only choice or you alternate between the baby’s bedtime and toddlers bedtime. Make it really fun and engaging - he will most likely favour you in the not too distant future but do make sure you seek help for your mental health as your thinking about this situation is rather skewed.

Let it go over your head if you can. For years my son just said 'I just prefer dad'. He totally doesn't now. If anything he likes me more now. They just do this. One day you are the bee's knees, then ONLY parent that can put them to bed... the you are the last person they want. It is just a phase.

the main thing is how you deal with bed times to make everything run as smooth as possible. I actually wonder if you let Dad do it with no fuss, if he will actually bore of it quickly?

This. He is so little. If daddy is anywhere in the vicinity he will want him. Daddy should do his bed times for now. It is a phase, It is normal and it will pass. He is coping with a huge change in his little life and needs reassurance and support. Taking turns to do bedtime is not sensible.

My eldest was like this, she would scream for an hour after her dad left for work every day.
She grew out of it, I never pushed it, was very consistent in my parenting and now she’s 22 and we are really close.
your relationships not broken he’s just testing boundaries and being a toddler

I can completely relate to this op, my DS1 was the same when he was that age, it got worse when DS2 was born and when he was 7 months old we had to spend a couple of months in a mother and baby unit away from him which didn’t help.

i can’t remember exactly when things changed but they did and we have a brilliant relationship now. He went the other way and was very much a mummy’s boy, it’s more balanced between the 2 of us now. They do go through phases and I know it’s absolutely horrible but hang in there, keep doing what you’re doing and it will pass

Gently OP the language you are using to describe the situation is worrisome. Your DS is a toddler he hasn’t got the self awareness to break a relationship. You are ascribing adult behaviour to a baby. Oscillating between caregivers is completely normal and not something kids do to hurt you. Please talk to your health visitor or doctor about how you feel.

My eldest was exactly like this from when I was pregnant with my second and it broke my heart. He was 18m ish so I knew rationally he didn’t know what he was doing but it was still horrendous. I used to loathe people complaining that their kids only wanted them because (whilst I know that has its difficulties) being the rejected parent is absolutely horrific.
He’s now bearly 7 and whilst I know he loves his dad, he also shows me clearly he loves me too. It will end, I can’t say when, but it will. For now though you honestly do have my sympathy.

Totally normal and I have a 5 year age gap so I didn’t have another baby at that age. I would see this as a positive. Let your Dh do bedtime! Once our youngest came along, Dh did all bedtimes with eldest unless he was away. It became their time together. And take more time where you split up and do things solo with them. So Dh takes baby out for the day and you do something with your 3 year old. As soon as mine could be left for a few days at 14 months, I took my older one on holiday solo. Make time like you used to.

And do speak to someone about your mental health. I think your reaction to this totally normal thing is more because you are struggling than because anything is wrong. If you sort yourself out, this will all feel much better.

I agree that the describing the relationship as broken, and feeling like walking out, and stating your MH is in the ground are very concerning responses to normal behaviour from a young child. Most people would be able the rationalize the behaviour and moderate their own emotional response.

Is there any possibility you are neuro-diverse ( autistic) or have have any other underlying condition or MH issues. I ask because the only other person I know with such extreme reactions to toddler parental preferences was my H who was later diagnosed autistic. He was completely unable to understand why a toddler behaves like this, or that it’s normal and not a rejection, and could only focus on how it made him ( my H) feel which led to H having extreme emotional reactions which he could not regulate. I’m reminded of this by your post.

Whatever the reason, you need support to deal with these emotions. The only thing that could end up damaging your relationship with your child is your emotional reactions, not his. So please do seek support. Your local council or children’s charities will have parental support/ family support programmes. Or you may want to pay privately for family support therapy for yourself.

You really shouldn’t be trying to diagnose someon with ND over internet with almost zero context or developmental history.

OP needs to seek MH support primarily and go from there…. I think everyone here has identified that the language she used is concerning that kids can’t break relationships etc.

She clearly needs immediate support not bloody additional things to think about. She can decide in her own time about anything else relevant.

@Newbie1993 this stuff is really hard because you are also torn on loyalties between kids.

I remember thinking how big my 3yo appeared when I had second child. Looking back she was teeny baby herself.
what I mean is everything is distorted atm.

please seek some support.