To go for a third or stick at 2!

[BabyB2023]

I have read every single thread on having a third child & I’m still so confused. I know MN can’t answer for me so I don’t really know what I’m asking for but anyway…
I have two boys aged 3 & 7 & absolutely adore them (obviously) & enjoy our life as a family of four, however I have never been able to close the door on having a third, just always sat on the fence. Recently I fell pregnant, unplanned, was a HUGE shock, initially il be honest I wasn’t even sure about going ahead, but after some long chats we decided it was ‘meant to be’, didn’t want any regrets & both became excited at the idea of becoming a family of 5. I pictured everything from telling my boys they were having a new sibling to them growing older together. Then I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks & it was all over. I was & still am absolutely devastated, I’ve never experienced a miscarriage & I wouldn’t wish it on anyone! So here I am now completely & utterly confused on where to go. Do I have a third? I know I can’t replace the baby I lost… or was losing the baby a sign… if it was ‘meant to be’ why did I lose it? I’m searching for answers like it was supposed to teach me something :( every morning I wake up & the first thing that comes into my mind is do I have a third child. My heart says yes but my head says financially etc two is better. My husband is happy with two, will have a third but really only for me, especially as how much this has all impacted me. I was ultimately happy that the choice had been taken away (I struggle to make decisions at the best of times) I was just pregnant & it was happening, but then the choice got taken away again & here I am. Why?!

My 7 year old can be quite hard work but is a very loveable little person, my 3 year old is an angel mostly. I do worry about our ages (I’m 35, husband 40) possible health issues with another child. I am just SO CONFUSED. Is there anyone who had an unplanned pregnancy, then lost it & decided to either go for another or stay where they were?
I think my main concerns are;

• being able to give them all enough attention
• a child having serious health problems that would impact my two existing children’s lives
• how difficult life becomes as they get older?
• holidays - cost but also being set up for 4 people
• another negatively affecting the lovely relationship my two boys currently have
• the 4 year age gap has been amazing for us, is it just as good a third time around or is it then too much between child 1 &3

To clear up any questions - we have a 3 bed house meaning the boys would need to share (they’d be pleased with this) we plan on moving in a couple of years
husband works full time, I work part time
money is fairly tight but mainly because we save a lot for holidays, this could change
moving house will also free up quite a bit, we’re in an expensive area & moving slightly out would make us much better off
my husband is so laid back it’s painful.. meaning I feel the decision ultimately lies with me which makes it more stressful if anything

I’m just looking for people who have been where I am I think. Sorry for the long post 😔

Yes absolutely. I had no idea looking back just how challenging it was going to be. Babies are most definitely the easy bit. It becomes very serious very quickly. I look back at my rose tinted early parenthood days and I can't work out if we lived in easier times and therefore the ease was real, or if raising teens and young adults is challenging whatever the decade.

Be pragmatic, be realistic. Ensure you can manage if one of you is made redundant or becomes unemployed due to poor health. It is a huge responsibility for at least a quarter of a century and beyond. You need deep pockets, the patience of a saint, nerves of steel and some serious resources in terms of energy, time and money for a big family.

A big chaotic family might look fun in the movies, but in real life it is a car crash for the kids and their future, and chaos is not fun. It is exhausting and stressful.

That thread with poor op who has her FOUR young adult dc living at home 🙈. It’s not like when we were young things are very different now.

The worry about getting them launched, happy, into work is real. Let alone funding university and the stress as to whether it’s worth it . Having that 3 times over rather than 2 god no.

We settled on 2 because I wanted each child to have their own room. I also wanted to be able to be fully present for them which is doable with 2.

Comeonbaby - so sorry about your losses, but I’m so glad everything worked out so perfectly for you❤️ I do also think about the ‘who do you want around your table’ & I know my eldest especially would love another baby to love.. I just worry what it will take away from them / if I’m worrying too much! Do you feel you get enough time still with your older boys? My youngest would only be 4 by then so not quite as independent I suppose xx

We couldn’t afford 3 but then neither of us want three so it’s not an issue. If a 3 appeared it would likely jeopardise us paying daughter’s school fees as they are significantly higher than elders DC’s.

Just re your last post where you say your oldest would "love another baby to love" - you wouldn't just be getting a baby though, it's a whole other sibling for life. The 8yo boy sitting on the sofa carefully cuddling a 2 month old baby is a fleeting moment, then he's a 10yo with a toddler running around getting into his stuff, and starting secondary school with a pre-schooler demanding your time and attention, he'll be becoming a teenager as his youngest sibling starts school. His interests and attention will increasingly be outside of your family unit. Yes most people do love their siblings but also they take your time, your money, your finite hours in the day, away from his needs and wants. There's no guarantee they will share interests, get on day to day, that the new one wouldn't have additional needs in some capacity that really impact on the existing family unit. Don't have a baby "for" your existing kids.

Thank you everyone, it’s giving me a lot (more) to think about x

The sitting round your table thing is sentimental stuff - many young adults move to Australia etc so I wouldn’t bank too much on that.

Plus if you have 3 adult kids all with families of 2 or 3 you can’t meaningfully meet up for any length of time anyway as there are too many of you. Some poor sod ends up hosting Christmas for 15 🙈 no table is big enough - I know of what I speak!

Your children are at relatively easy ages in some ways. As they get older they cost more snd you lose your influence on them as they move to high school and have to do things for themselves.
I’m glad we stuck at 2. With work we can just about manage taking them to clubs and letting have friends around. By having 2 I was able to afford part time for 5 years. At the end of each day when I’m shattered I can still manage quality time for each. I’m

Julietta - I completely agree, you don’t know what they’ll do as adults! My sister moved to Australia (came back luckily) so I do get that.

I must admit though.. coming from a small family myself I love what you describe there🙈
my husband is one of 4 & every Sunday is at his mums, the 4 of them plus all the grandkids (9 so far) & it’s busy but amazing. I’m not the one hosting though😂

sparrow - I agree, these are probably good/easy ages & I haven’t yet experienced what’s in store for later years so defo something to think about! X

Yes, I would second this. I am one of three (the youngest) and initially wanted three children, but my husband wanted to stick at two. We had a boy and a girl just under two years apart and I agreed to stop there. Thank heavens! They’re young adults now, both still studying, and it’s expensive, trust me.

These shall I have a third posts always seem to focus on having a cute baby and how they can cope with all these little children running around etc. Us coming out the other side have the perspective that that is just one short life stage which frankly is gone in the blink of an eye and you are left with 3 young people to support emotionally and financially in a terrifying economy. We are not downsizing our house in case ours need to live here.

I wanted three. I have two. We decided no because I wanted to be fine financially and I wanted to give them lots of one on one time- which is still hard with two. I also only imagined the baby/ younger years. As the children get older, they really do become their own people and working and supporting different personalities is hard. Plus people think the younger years are expensive, it’s only the beginning!

I have three, all adults now, 4 year gap between each.
the second one is the only one who (vaguely) planned.
im so glad I had three. I definitely feel that my family is complete and I had had all of ‘my’ children.
i think the third coming along actually strengthened the bond between the older two as they hung out a lot together whilst I was doing boring baby stuff.
they all close now and go and stay with each other.
they’re all great but the middle one is probably the most sorted and stable.

Sorry for you loss.

i was in the same position when my boys were 2 and 8. Decided to stick with 2. They are now 13 and 18 and we absolutely did the right thing. We afforded to buy our forever home, we both drive nice cars and our life style is pretty good. We travel a lot with our boys, heading to Asia tomorrow. 5 of us would have definitely made this a lot more challenging.

I don’t believe I am only focusing on the cute baby stage hence the amount of thought going into the long term here, but thanks for the input.. x

This is really helpful and a great way to actually picture the future rather than the younger years. I have two boys (3 & 1) and love the thought of a third. But financially it would be so tough - needing a new car, a new house (which we couldn’t afford if we had another baby and I wasn’t working), would struggle to afford sports / music classes etc.
Whereas if we stick with 2 then we can get the bigger house, afford nice days out, holidays etc, and give them great experiences as they get older.
I’m one of three and we could never afford abroad holidays, I worked and paid my own way through university, driving lessons, car, insurance etc. Majority of my friends only had 1 sibling and their parents contributed to all these things. I’d love to be able to help my kids with this sort of stuff.
Your post has kind of reassured me that the lifestyle I want for my kids would likely not be possible with another child.
Food for thought!

I think the poster who has mentioned that you are making it very 'high-stakes' has it spot on.

Of course @BabyB2023 it's a big decision and you are doing the right thing by evaluating the pros and cons.

The thing is, it's highly personal and really, no amount of advice from MN will help make up your mind.

From your posts, you really want a third DC, and the main factor is to ensure that DH is fully on board, not just going along with it.

All the practical considerations, you will make work, if you want to.

I have 3 DC, now all teens. I wanted 4, and would have had them (or certainly tried!) if my marriage hadn't ended (when the youngest was still a baby). There is a bit less than 2 years between each of them, and the baby / small child years were actually the easiest. The gap was small, and I have 1 DD and 2 DS, so they were company for each other and wanted to do the same things at the same time e.g. activities like the playground. Now that they are teens, I truthfully find it very hard, of course with many moments of joy - but that's a lot to do with me being a single parent and with no real family support so I feel entirely alone a lot of the time.

Whatever way you decide to go, there will be elements that work out well and others that are challenging. There's no one 'right' answer.

I'm not sure I'd ever have done this even if I'd been advised to but I do agree about the expense of 3 DC, especially as they get older, educational costs in particular. I'm sure I'd have airily thought, oh it will be fine but it is something that causes me a lot of stress. I simply did not think about how much money I needed to rear these children!

Best of luck OP, and very sorry for your loss, as that's very hard. 🌻

I'm definitely biased as currently pregnant with #3 but I don't fully understand why this is such a debate on Mumsnet. If you have the resources for three, financially, emotionally, physically, why not?

There definitely is the consideration for what if the child has additional needs, but any of us can face health problems at any time. If you feel capable to handle that, I say seize the joy for yourself.

It's not selfish to want three children, if you're still providing a high standard of life to your existing two.

@EarringsandLipstick I agree MN is not the answer, I was just desperately seeking people who had been in a similar position I think, but even then I know it’s not relevant to my actual life🙈
I’m sorry you don’t have much family support, that must be so tough but I’m sure your kids appreciate everything you do & have done for them.

My husband would like another, he loves being a dad, it really is about the logical side of things for him (& me too!) still a lot of thought needed but I’m sure (I hope) at some point il reach a decision I can be happy with.
& you’re right I would really love another DC, being a mum is all I’ve ever wanted to do, I just want to make sure it’s the right thing for my existing two - I’ve always struggled to put myself first in any situation & this is no different. They of course come first xx

It sounds like you both want a third. Why the hesitation?

@Blueskies3 all the practical reasons stated above x

Sorry I’ve just seen your reply. I’ve pm’d you!