To go for a third or stick at 2!

[BabyB2023]

I have read every single thread on having a third child & I’m still so confused. I know MN can’t answer for me so I don’t really know what I’m asking for but anyway…
I have two boys aged 3 & 7 & absolutely adore them (obviously) & enjoy our life as a family of four, however I have never been able to close the door on having a third, just always sat on the fence. Recently I fell pregnant, unplanned, was a HUGE shock, initially il be honest I wasn’t even sure about going ahead, but after some long chats we decided it was ‘meant to be’, didn’t want any regrets & both became excited at the idea of becoming a family of 5. I pictured everything from telling my boys they were having a new sibling to them growing older together. Then I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks & it was all over. I was & still am absolutely devastated, I’ve never experienced a miscarriage & I wouldn’t wish it on anyone! So here I am now completely & utterly confused on where to go. Do I have a third? I know I can’t replace the baby I lost… or was losing the baby a sign… if it was ‘meant to be’ why did I lose it? I’m searching for answers like it was supposed to teach me something :( every morning I wake up & the first thing that comes into my mind is do I have a third child. My heart says yes but my head says financially etc two is better. My husband is happy with two, will have a third but really only for me, especially as how much this has all impacted me. I was ultimately happy that the choice had been taken away (I struggle to make decisions at the best of times) I was just pregnant & it was happening, but then the choice got taken away again & here I am. Why?!

My 7 year old can be quite hard work but is a very loveable little person, my 3 year old is an angel mostly. I do worry about our ages (I’m 35, husband 40) possible health issues with another child. I am just SO CONFUSED. Is there anyone who had an unplanned pregnancy, then lost it & decided to either go for another or stay where they were?
I think my main concerns are;

• being able to give them all enough attention
• a child having serious health problems that would impact my two existing children’s lives
• how difficult life becomes as they get older?
• holidays - cost but also being set up for 4 people
• another negatively affecting the lovely relationship my two boys currently have
• the 4 year age gap has been amazing for us, is it just as good a third time around or is it then too much between child 1 &3

To clear up any questions - we have a 3 bed house meaning the boys would need to share (they’d be pleased with this) we plan on moving in a couple of years
husband works full time, I work part time
money is fairly tight but mainly because we save a lot for holidays, this could change
moving house will also free up quite a bit, we’re in an expensive area & moving slightly out would make us much better off
my husband is so laid back it’s painful.. meaning I feel the decision ultimately lies with me which makes it more stressful if anything

I’m just looking for people who have been where I am I think. Sorry for the long post 😔

I am very sorry about your miscarriage.

I always think that to have 3 children, you either need to be a millionaire and/or have a lot of help
on hand (eg from grandparents).

You could ask chat gpt, give it detailed info about your life and see what it says.

Thanks for your reply x
We’re certainly far from millionaires but do have an awful lot of support, we are incredibly rich in that sense meaning we don’t have any childcare costs etc.. it’s more the other things that worry me. Just wish this never happened & I was pregnant & didn’t have the choice I think

Sorry about your loss OP.

When mine were about 6 and 4, I used to get huge surges of emotions about having a third child. It was very overwhelming. We could have coped but it would have been so hard so I focused on making the decision with only my head not my heart and it was very hard some days. I was desperate to have a third child sometimes.

Then those urges went away and along came perimenopause symptoms.

I think it's evolution to some extent where your biological clock wants you to consider this before it becomes harder or impossible even. This is not the case for everyone, just me and some friends so our personal opinion.

As my youngest got older, we relished the freedoms it brings with it such as having more time for you and each other. No regrets but I do remember how much willpower it took to stick to 2. Good luck with whatever decision you make. I like to think that there is no wrong decision here, you'll be happy either way really.

Apart from all other considerations, I would ask you to read about middle child syndrome and than consider whether you want to put your now 3 yr old in that position in the family. DH and I are both educated, sensible, reasonable people but we are both middles and we stopped at 2 because we couldn’t afford 4. We are both completely different to our siblings and always were and have had very little to do with them since we were able to make a choice.

Botox - thanks for your reply. Maybe you’re right & it will go away with time, I’m just not sure.. I had the feelings before the miscarriage so I think it has just now intensified x

Rocknroll - thank you, I will look into this some more. I do believe if you’re aware of this you can ensure this doesn’t happen. My sister has 3 & are all very happy. My best friend is also the middle of 3 & doesn’t believe middle child syndrome to be a thing but I will do some research. Thank you x

Sorry about your miscarriage 😞

Whenever I find myself this torn about a decision, I realise it’s because I’ve made it too ‘high stakes’. As PP said, the reality is that you will fine & happy either way. There is no ‘right’ choice. There are pros and cons of both choices. And so long as you go forward with one option accepting that, then you can’t really have any regrets. You can just think, well I knew there was pros and cons and this is one of the cons and I accept that. And then focus on the pros and keep going.
So basically try not to stress so much.
Age wise you’re fine. You’re about the age many women have their first.

If you want my opinion, which really is irrelevant, I would say just go for it. Maybe reassess if it takes an extremely long time or you have another loss. But for now, if I were you, I would just try and see what happens. Given how much you’re thinking about this I think it makes most sense

Good luck whatever you happens, and maybe one day you could update this thread and say how it all worked out ☺️ cos there’s so many women having this dilemma!

Muddlepuddle - you are so right in that it is ‘high stakes’ your reply has been really helpful though, thank you & I will try & remember to update down the line either way as it’s always helpful when people do that x

Hi, I feel like I could have written this post last year.

me and my husband went back and forth about 2 or 3 and settled on 2. I accidentally fell pregnant early last year. After the initial shock of it and lots of thinking we both were excited and felt like it was right. I then had a miscarriage at about 8 weeks, I was devastated and then just knew I wanted a 3rd. Thankfully I fell pregnant quickly and I am currently holding my 6month old while he’s moaning.

Having a third has been the best experience ever. I didn’t know my family was missing something until I had him and now it feels complete and right. Both my children dote on him. I feel content now and I am so thankful I have 3 happy healthy children.

wishing you all the best

Aryah- thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I was really hoping to hear from someone who had basically the same experience. I am so pleased everything worked out so perfectly for you. Can I ask what your age gaps are & how old you are? My two boys would be around 4 & 8 if we decide to go ahead in the next few months x

Sorry you went through a miscarriage :(

We have 2 DC, a 6yo and a baby. I am desperate for more but my dh thinks another tough pregnancy (HG with both) and another baby will be too hard. He's right. If we had lots of help, normal pregnancies etc we would go for it. We started fostering last year and we have a 7 yo living with us currently. It gives us an idea of what life with 3 is like and we skip the baby stage! It's hard but also really enjoyable and family feels more complete with three for sure.

Thanks for your reply Vitany. Your reasons are really valid & I can’t imagine how awful HG would be especially with children already! Fortunately I’ve had two easy pregnancies but nothing to say another one would be I guess! You’re doing an amazing thing fostering, I’m sure the children that come to you feel like part of your family even if only for a short while xx

I had 3 DCs and at one time had 3 under
aged 6 with little help from family. It was all good and never once regretted
our choices. I was 35 when I had my 3rd and 3 year age gaps which was more luck than judgement 😊

I don’t buy the middle child thing - mine are all well adjusted, get on well, successful in their careers and relationships .

sorry for your loss OP , must be devastating but you are clearly thinking this all through carefully before making your decisions. Best of luck x

Sounds like you really want another so I'd say go for it.

Sorry for your loss, especially after your excitement. That’s very hard.
I wanted three but after two miscarriages I decided my body was telling me it wasn’t a good idea, especially as I was 40 at that point.
Having two was best for us and our situation (living away from family etc) and I am a great believer in it wasn’t meant to be for us.

Stick with 2. Start to enjoy the ‘nice ages’ soon when you can have great conversations, days out and holidays as a family.

Sorry about your loss. It sounds like that pregnancy cemented for you that you would like another.

I was in your shoes a couple of years ago and my third completed our family in a way I could never have imagined. She's the light of all our lives and adored by her brother and sister.

I would go for it. We have zero family help and I still wouldn't change a thing

Thank you all for your replies, they are all helpful xx

Hello! This was me. I have two boys aged 9 and 7 and a 1 year old girl

big age because I couldn’t have handled 2 kids all 2 years apart. Then we went back and forth for years if we wanted a third and I kept working gap was getting too big. Then I had two miscarriages and put it out mind . But thoughts kept coming back and I told myself that the gap was only getting bigger and bigger and I’m so glad we went for it

yea it is hard being in the trenches again but for me what secured it was when they say imagine Christmas when everyone is older and who is round the table

hi! I had 2u2 and knew I wanted another but our first DSs were awful sleepers and my husband was a hard no. As they got older I softened him and eventually he agreed to a third. I then had a miscarriage and then fell pregnant and had my third when I was 38 and my boys were 5 and 3.5. She’s an absolute delight and my boys adore her. I was worried about the bigger age gap but it’s been amazing so far. This has been the most amazing baby stage of them all and I truly believe it’s true that your heart just expands to give and feel more love.

I have three and love it obviously because they were all wanted and it does give you a big chaotic style family life which I wanted. Three is a great number and all my children are happy.

But do think about holidays and cars. Holidays get really expensive, we always need 3 rooms. Also we needed to buy a new massive car to fit three car seats in. That’s not even to talk about the general expenses of having a third child who, as time goes on, will be just as expensive as the other two. Also one child is work, two kids are double the work and three kids are triple the work.

It’s a whole other person. People say they just slot in or you reuse items from other kids. But ultimately you’re having a whole other person and the costs increase as they get older.

Sorry for your loss OP. ❤️‍🩹

I jump on a lot of these threads as a public service to remind women that their ‘just one more’ could easily end up being twins. Even with no history of twins in the family. And especially if you’re over 35. As I discovered. 🙃

Hey OP

i too read every 3rd child thread on MN that I could!! I always wanted 3, husband was on the fence. Our marriage was in an awful place and I unexpectedly became pregnant when DC2 was only just turned 1.
i agonised over keeping the baby. Head said no. Heart said yes.
in the end I couldn’t terminate. It just was not for me. I couldn’t feel myself falling into a pit of despair. Husband came around to the idea with some couples counselling.

our gaps are 5 yo 3 yo and 1 yo. We had 2 under 2 for the last DCs. It’s been amazing. Up til 1 yo has been so easy for me! Now the baby is 1 and walking its. Bit harder and I do think my toddler has had a lot less attention than the average child. But my kids are a loving tribe and they play together all day.

i had a hearing for a third and it was almost like an urge/ pain that wouldn’t go away. I thought about it all the time.

we have no family support but fairly well off (husband high earner and me sahm). We live in an average house

It is way too expensive these days, family support or not, I had no idea just how much it costs once dc become teens and then young adults. They need driving lessons, cars, university funds and financial help into their early twenties. Things have changed so much now, I think you need to be a multi millionaire or risk reducing your child's life chances by not having the resources to really support them into adulthood.

I am shocked by the cost of everything now, and we are talking hundreds of thousands in the end. I think it is far better to invest both time and money into the children that are here. You will be glad you did when they reach 18 and the costs are only just beginning.

The urge also passes, it is purely biological/hormone driven.

5 years ago yes maybe now no way. Having young adults in this economy is daunting. They need significant parental support. We frequently say thank god we didn’t have a third as it would stretch the support we could give too thinly. And we are high earners. Unless you are absolutely massively loaded no way. Think the urge for a third is hormonal and wise women resist it.

Under 5s is the easy bit.