Nine year old suddenly anxious at bedtime and husband locked bedroom door

[Arwenundomiel]

Our son is 9 yrs old. When he was 2 yrs old, he was moved into another bedroom. He was not having any issues about it until very recently. Our bedrooms are just next to each other but he always claim that he is “unable” to fall asleep so he would go downstairs, turned on all the lights and tv and fall asleep on the sofa. I don’t think he has insomnia, but I could see that whenever bedtime is approaching, he would look anxious. Last night, my husband had enough of this because we told him to sleep (it was everyone’s bedtime), but he would tiptoed quietly downstairs, over and over again. My husband lost his patience and locked our son in his bedroom. I explained to my husband that this is unacceptable and knowing how strong willed our son is, I said I don’t want to wake up in the morning to find out our son had fallen out of the window in the middle of the night. So I unlocked his bedroom door and told him to sleep, but I was also upset. My husband and I then had a short argument (unfortunately I think our son could hear it from his bedroom because we leave all our doors opened during the night). My husband said I have undermined his parenting authority right in front of our son’s face, but I explained to him that locking our son in his bedroom that night is unacceptable and we should try to figure out what is the real problem and how to solve it in another way. My husband is still furious and this morning, my son looked sad and distracted. My heart aches for him but I don’t know why is this happening so suddenly with his night sleep. And I don’t know what to do with my husband 😕

Locking his bedroom door is dangerous!

Does your husband actually communicate with his son? Going from sleep anxiety to locking the door.

I get the impression that your husband doesn’t do bed time. What an idiot.

I feel so sorry for you and your son.

You said you do not know what to do about your husband. You need to tell him that he is to never do that again. And you have to tell him that both you and he as parents need to address the problem of your child’s sleep anxiety as a family and by humane means.

If you lock their door, it can cause long term distress. It's also so dangerous if there is a fire. My friend held the door shut for a few seconds to stop their child coming in for the millionth time that night and they became hysterical and are now, years later, completely obsessed with doors not being closed as they now have a fear.

Why is there a lock on your son's bedroom door anyway?

And yes, of course your husband knew that doing this would make things much worse. The question is why your husband would choose to exert his power over his child like this. It does not bode well for the next stage of development when your son is supposed to start developing as an individual.

In the meantime, you must do whatever you can to make your son feel safe. Step one is removing that lock and letting your son know that his father will never do that again.

What if there is a fire!
I don’t agree with locking him
in - this will cause even more issues
can you not look at more positive methods - such as an award chart and gaining points for something special every night he stays in his room??

It’s not reasonable to lock a 9 year old in their bedroom, I’ve no idea why there’s even a lock on the door to begin with!
I also don’t really think it’s reasonable to have allowed a 9 year old and younger to go dow stairs late at night to watch tv alone and fall asleep on the sofa either.

Stupid door locking aside

Has your son been able to communicate why his bedroom in particular is an issue? Is it fear, noise, darkness etc?

Yes it is a fire risk same reason i refused to use baby gates

Thats shocking abuse locking a child in his room all night. It can cause dreadful psychological problems and fear.
What is he supposed to do if he needs the loo in the night?
Nobody is going to die if he sleeps downstairs with the lights on for a while.
Your husband has serious problems.

He locked the door? Damn straight you unlocked it and undermined that shitty and dangerous parenting. Your husband should be ashamed. And YOU should be furious, not him.

Was it punishment?

Seeing as he fell asleep on the sofa with the TV and lights on, could your DS create a version of that in his room?? Get a night light and let him have an audio book on quietly.
It sounds like both the dark and the silence of night are making him anxious.

And your husband is a top class dickhead.

The sensible alternative would be to lock the living room.
Everyone in the house should be able to safely exit bedrooms and access front and rear exits.
That said, I agree that you need to gently explore what is scaring your ds. Your husband is a bully and is endangering your son. What if there was a fire? (I personally know 3 families who experienced house fires, it happens).

What else have you tried?
Do you let your son listen to music/podcasts/audio books to get to sleep? White noise/sleep meditations?
I mean loads of adults have these issues and often are easily solved. The brain just needs some distraction. A soft light on? Maybe try closing your bedroom door if that would distract you?

Why the hell does his bedroom door even have a lock on the outside?! So wrong.

Does son have a nightlight @Arwenundomiel ? A white noise machine?

Going downstairs and falling asleep watching TV is not going to help him. If he must go downstairs then he should not be allowed to turn on the TV and you need to enforce that.

No locking him in is awful. But equally he can't be allowed down to watch late night TV either. You could get him a radio. But mostly, as well.as talking about it etc, can someone just sit with him while he falls asleep? Surely its better than the alternatives. He must be very tired.

You need to get to the bottom of why he's scared of his bedroom and the dark. There will be something that's happened and he's hooked it up to bedtime.

OMG this is the worst thing he could have done - your poor son - this will traumatise him long term. I think he needs a councillor asap (if you can get one) ask you GP to refer. I just want to give your DS a hug.

Just get your son a night light and tell him not to leave the room- turning all the lights on and sleeping downstairs is not acceptable. This might be a more deep seated problem that needs therapy.

Undermining someones parenting is absolutely fine when they make batshit decisions.

It sounds like he's frightened of something in his bedroom, has he been watching any scary stuff on tv or elsewhere, things lurking under the bed or in the wardrobe? Do you let him have a night light so it's not too dark or leave the landing light on? Can you talk to him about what is scary? Or has he heard you and your DH next door possibly having sex and has mis interpreted it as something bad happening.

Whatever it is locking him in will make him terrified, as you say he may try to get out of the window and it is also extremely dangerous if there was a fire and he couldn't get out.

Lights on and tv on, can you emulate this in his room if he needs this to sleep? Its common for children to go through regression type states at various times for various reasons. Maybe a small dimmer lamp in his room and a white noise machine or storybooks playing (possibly on repeat) to help him feel safer. I have an ND teen and they go through phases of wanting hall lights left on/off, our bedroom door open/closed etc. Neither bother me so I let them do what they need to do to feel safe enough to sleep soundly.

I was going to say exactly all of this

I think the door lock needs to be removed now for his trust.
tbh I would have my son in with me and stick the husband in the single bed from now on (and maybe even lock him in there- joking)

Does DH shout at you often? Does your son want to pretext you?