Nine year old suddenly anxious at bedtime and husband locked bedroom door

[Arwenundomiel]

Our son is 9 yrs old. When he was 2 yrs old, he was moved into another bedroom. He was not having any issues about it until very recently. Our bedrooms are just next to each other but he always claim that he is “unable” to fall asleep so he would go downstairs, turned on all the lights and tv and fall asleep on the sofa. I don’t think he has insomnia, but I could see that whenever bedtime is approaching, he would look anxious. Last night, my husband had enough of this because we told him to sleep (it was everyone’s bedtime), but he would tiptoed quietly downstairs, over and over again. My husband lost his patience and locked our son in his bedroom. I explained to my husband that this is unacceptable and knowing how strong willed our son is, I said I don’t want to wake up in the morning to find out our son had fallen out of the window in the middle of the night. So I unlocked his bedroom door and told him to sleep, but I was also upset. My husband and I then had a short argument (unfortunately I think our son could hear it from his bedroom because we leave all our doors opened during the night). My husband said I have undermined his parenting authority right in front of our son’s face, but I explained to him that locking our son in his bedroom that night is unacceptable and we should try to figure out what is the real problem and how to solve it in another way. My husband is still furious and this morning, my son looked sad and distracted. My heart aches for him but I don’t know why is this happening so suddenly with his night sleep. And I don’t know what to do with my husband 😕

@Arwenundomiel You did the right thing in unlocking the door as that’s really not on and it’s dangerous. Your DH is cruel and has no patience to do such a thing. Theres’s something going on with your DS though, is he afraid of the dark or do you he think he could be being bullied especially if this anxiety has escalated recently? Does he have siblings and if so how are they at bedtime? Reassure your DS that you can solve any problems if he tells you what’s worrying him, it doesn’t matter what it is. Also sit with him chatting / reading a story with a small nightlight on until he falls asleep as that will make him feel calm and safe. I know a lot of children these days are medicated for anxiety but I don’t agree with this at all. It simply numbs them and encourages them to become reliant on medication from an early age which often becomes a lifelong thing. Instead, talking and finding solutions and coping strategies for life are what’s needed. No topics / subjects should be off the table, children should feel they can talk about anything. Do you feel your family / household is an open book where your DS feels he can openly talk?

My mum used to get locked in her room as a child for wetting the bed. She died in 2006 at the age of 87 but she'd never forgotten the sheer terror of that punishment. Your son is already a very scared little boy and your husband's behaviour was disgraceful and bloody dangerous. You need to find out why your son is so petrified of his bedroom and make adjustments or move him to another room. But until you do, let him sleep on the sofa if that's where he feels safe.

I agree. There shouldn’t be any lock outside the door. It’s just that we are living in a rented house and all of the door keys are just hanging on each door inside the house when we moved in and we never bothered to remove it because we never had real use of the keys. My son is an only child and we were not blessed to have another. I spoke to my son and he told me that the silence during the nights makes him feel anxious because it feels mysterious although his bathroom light, his bedside table lamp and his computer table lamp are all turned on during the night. He never sleeps in complete darkness. But I will try to play some soft music/white noise sound and hope it will actually help him to fall asleep. Thank you for the comments 🤗

Locking door is abuse. But also why havent you done anything so far? Like make the bedroom more comfortable for him eg music or audio book, lights etc. actually dealing with the anxiety.

Buy your son a small battery radio. I loved mine when I was a kid.
Lock the living room door if DS still won't stay in bedroom.

The answer is to insist that DS stays in his room. Keep calmly taking him back.

Mine (now 11) goes through periods of sleep anxiety - seems to be related to a growth spurt/hormones and does settle back down around the time we notice he seems to have shot up.

He also has a later bedtime than a lot of his friends as he seems to be a night owl by nature (husband is too) and if he’s not tired when going to bed there is a lot of up and and down which just means he’d get worked up and was then really late getting to sleep - so might be worth reviewing his bed time.

Locking the door is not a reasonable thing to try and you were right to override your DH, it will just cause more anxiety and mistrust.

My DS is very similar, he has always struggled to get to sleep at night and has a very vivid imagination. He can be really terrified sometimes. He is older than your DS.

I was exactly the same as a child and I remember to terror and loneliness, kindness and reassurance is the only way. He still occasionally comes into our room at night if he has seen something that scared him during the day. I vacate and go into his bed when that happens.

Magnesium supplements before bedtime seem to have helped a fair bit. He was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD a couple of years ago. I feel like it is the ADHD part that causes the sleep disturbance and super vivid imagination.

This is a good idea.

The door shouldn’t be locked as that will make him worse

Cbeebies radio has sleepy sounds and the bedtime stories can be played on a loop on bbc sounds

Given that your husband is being a total arsehole, perhaps he’s the underlying cause of this, just a thought.