Am I asking too much to speak to my son?

[Jadeelise]

Sorry if this is a long one…

My son is five and I split with his dad when he was two. It was my decision to split and admittedly I found someone very quickly afterwards. That only lasted around 6 months but during this time me and my ex co parented brilliantly. Nothing was ever too much trouble for either of us etc, we communicated daily, everything was great.

We have our son 50/50, 5 days on, 5 days off. He doesn’t give me any money and I’ve never applied for any. I now have a new baby with my current partner. My ex also has a baby due in November with his new partner.

I don’t know if my issue is with my ex or his new partner, but basically he has completely changed. He makes it extremely difficult to speak to my son when he has him, I don’t call on the first or last night he’s there but I do on the three in the middle. I just want 30 secs to speak to my son and tell him I love him, that’s all. My ex tries everything to stop me doing this, not answering the phone, telling me my son doesn’t want to speak to me etc.

He will not engage with me at all and tells me to stop messaging him (I only ever message in regards to our son, I.e he got assaulted at school last term and I messaged his dad to discuss how we go forward with this as his parents).

There’s loads of history just for background, me having to pay a bill him and his partner wracked up in the house me and my ex shared as they refused to pay it even though I hadn’t lived there for 2 years and it was in my name (my fault for not changing it I know). But shitty stuff like this basically. When I was giving birth to my daughter I asked my ex to have our son on ‘my days’ as I was literally in hospital giving birth and he refused… the old him would see our son every single day.

Their stance is when my son is with them that’s their time and his life with them and I don’t get to know anything about it. I do understand that however I carried my son and birthed him, and now I don’t get to be involved in 50% of his life and it breaks my heart. Again, all I want is a phone call 3 days he’s with them.

Am I asking too much? How do I get over this feeling that I’ve lost my son? When he’s with me here my life is perfect, our family is complete. But when he’s away I genuinely feel like a part of me is lost which I know sounds stupid but I bloody love that kid so much!

how do I stop myself getting down when they aren’t letting me contact him?

im sorry for the long post and sorry for sounding pathetic.

The relationship between the pair of you sounds utterly hostile

So I am not surprised that he wishes for his time with his child to be without any interference or involvement from you.

It is sad, but… you stamping your feet isn’t going to do entering

What happens when your child is with you? Does he ask to speak to him? Message you for updates?

honestly if anyone rang me in the early evening when I had five year olds and was in the middle of bath book and bed I would have told them to fuck off and that’s if I’d answered the phone in the first place.

you don’t know how your kid reacts to the phone call - it might remind him of you and then he spends hours crying rather than going down peacefully.

I think this is ‘normal’ from your ex. Unfortunately it’s absolutely not in the best interests of your child. But you can’t change him.

I’m not sure what you said that implies your stamping your feet and I suspect you might get a few rough answers. I don’t know if you really can get over it though, it’s not really natural to be separated from your child and not allowed to be involved in their lives half the time.

It's really, really disruptive to call and speak to your child three nights in a row when they are with your ex-partner - I hope he doesn't do this to you? It's the number one way to guarantee that the child won't settle in the time that they are away. Also you're not doing it for the child's benefit, you're doing it for your own, which you must be able to see is selfish? If you are worried that they might be missing you then write a series of little notes, one that can be opened each night before bed, so they know that you care. Calling is disruptive and unfair. Also I don't know what the money issue is about - you're 50/50, so that's irrelevant.

Look, you divorced your ex when your son was just two years old, and you said it was your decision. Can I ask why? Was it because he wasn't a good husband, or because you met someone else?

Honestly, from a logical perspective, I can understand his stance. You can't expect everything to stay the same or always work in your favor. He may have felt the same sense of unfairness when you told him you wanted to separate.

I also don't understand why you still expect help from your ex. When you gave birth to your daughter, he had nothing to do with your new family. In that situation, I think his stance is understandable.

Honestly, I think your son is the one who suffered the most. He deserved a stable home. Your daughter gets to grow up with both of her parents together, but your son didn't have that.

I think pp has missed the point that something has changed for him along the way and you don’t know what.

not having your son when you are giving birth just because it is not his time is unreasonable in my opinion.

is there any way you can communicate with him? Even via email?

What has changed is that he’s now in a relationship, probably not so free to accommodate the OP’s requests and… maybe just doesn’t want to stop what he’s doing to call ex or update her. And that, whilst disappointing to the OP, is entirely his prerogative

My DH occasionally works away and I secretly hate it when he calls to speak to the kids as I’m trying to do everything by myself, it messes you up timings of bedtimes and often unsettles the kids.

Have you tried talking to you ex about it, asking what the problem is? what does he think is in DS best interests?

pretty normal: my ex and I never did phone calls and the kids ( now adults) were just fine. It was our respective time with the children.
my dh wife called all the time, when she had the child, when she didn’t have the child it was relentless and disruptive and irritating. Leave the child to have his time with dad and vice versa it really isn’t anything to be getting so irritated over

It sounds like you haven't treated your ex very well in the past so you can't expect a cordial relationship. I think you need to leave your ex to get on with being a parent when he has his child.

While I understand why you’d enjoy a quick call, I also understand why it would annoy your ex (and his gf) Your call could cause ds to become unsettled when the best thing for him is to live in the moment as all kids should.

It’s ridiculous to think that you might have lost your son. While I understand it’s hard, your son will hopefully be enjoying his time with his dad without you interrupting. He won’t think that you don’t love him if there’s no call- he knows.

Gently OP, your DS is with his father for those days and unless there's an emergency, you don't get to choose when you speak to him. Back off and try to calm the relationship with his DF, as this will do far more for your DS in the long run.

I'd be pretty annoyed if my ex wanted to chat to DD10 this often. It would be different if she wanted to call him but she doesn't. I think you need to let them have their time with your son, unless your son is the one asking for the phonecalls

I see why you are frustrated but yes I think yabu to call so often.

I'm also a mum with 50/50 custody, I don't call my kids and I'd find it annoying to facilitate if my ex asked. I'd prefer to get on with my nights with my kids, and ex does the same on his nights.

I kind of agree with him that it's his life, and no, you aren't a part of it. Messaging each other all the time is pointless. It's really sad you aren't always there but it's just what happens if parents seperate. I don't update my ex about what we are going to do, even if we are going away on holiday or something. He can ask the kids later if he's interested. Some do it differently though.

I can see why it annoys you but this is something you want not something that would benefit your son and in all honesty it's incredibly disruptive to be contacting him so frequently whilst he is with his father. I suspect if he insisted he talk to your son every evening on your days you would soon tire of the daily intrusion.

Realistically it's not going to be a quick phone call and you know he is in capable hands with his equal parent so I don't think he request for you to not be in touch so frequently is unreasonable.

Does the father phone you to do the same when the child is with you?

Calling is not disruptive at all. Why are posters saying that? Sometimes MN is so ridiculous. Is your DS happy at his dad’s? He’s far too young for 50-50 in my opinion.

@THisbackwithavengeance someone you don't have a relationship with calling your phone unplanned, invited at a time that suits only them- disruptive, of course.

Unfortunately this is the reality of splitting up and doing 50/50. Soon you can give your son a phone of his own.

To disrupt = to interrupt something. If they’re watching a film, eating dinner, doing bath time or story or playing a game, stopping to do a call is interrupting the thing. So it is by nature disruptive.

Does your ex ring every night when the boy is with you?

Of course it's disruptive. He isn't getting time to enjoy being with his father without his mother calling to check in every day. As I said I suspect if his father wanted to call and interrupt the OPs time with her child everytime he was at his mums house lots of posters would rightly be saying it's intrusive and possibly even the ex being controlling.

Nothing at all in the OP suggests he isn't just as happy with his father as he is with his mum so it's interesting you would even question it.

How to tell us that you have not split from the other parent of your children without telling us

Your ex new partner is pregnant so things have changed in their household.

Do you ask your son questions about what he’s been doing, watching, eating etc?
If the new girlfriend is helping with your child’s care perhaps she is also finding it intrusive and interrupting their routine. She’s probably feeling tired too.
I think you have to let it go; tell him before they leave that you love him very much and you will see them
on Friday.