Am I asking too much to speak to my son?

[Jadeelise]

Sorry if this is a long one…

My son is five and I split with his dad when he was two. It was my decision to split and admittedly I found someone very quickly afterwards. That only lasted around 6 months but during this time me and my ex co parented brilliantly. Nothing was ever too much trouble for either of us etc, we communicated daily, everything was great.

We have our son 50/50, 5 days on, 5 days off. He doesn’t give me any money and I’ve never applied for any. I now have a new baby with my current partner. My ex also has a baby due in November with his new partner.

I don’t know if my issue is with my ex or his new partner, but basically he has completely changed. He makes it extremely difficult to speak to my son when he has him, I don’t call on the first or last night he’s there but I do on the three in the middle. I just want 30 secs to speak to my son and tell him I love him, that’s all. My ex tries everything to stop me doing this, not answering the phone, telling me my son doesn’t want to speak to me etc.

He will not engage with me at all and tells me to stop messaging him (I only ever message in regards to our son, I.e he got assaulted at school last term and I messaged his dad to discuss how we go forward with this as his parents).

There’s loads of history just for background, me having to pay a bill him and his partner wracked up in the house me and my ex shared as they refused to pay it even though I hadn’t lived there for 2 years and it was in my name (my fault for not changing it I know). But shitty stuff like this basically. When I was giving birth to my daughter I asked my ex to have our son on ‘my days’ as I was literally in hospital giving birth and he refused… the old him would see our son every single day.

Their stance is when my son is with them that’s their time and his life with them and I don’t get to know anything about it. I do understand that however I carried my son and birthed him, and now I don’t get to be involved in 50% of his life and it breaks my heart. Again, all I want is a phone call 3 days he’s with them.

Am I asking too much? How do I get over this feeling that I’ve lost my son? When he’s with me here my life is perfect, our family is complete. But when he’s away I genuinely feel like a part of me is lost which I know sounds stupid but I bloody love that kid so much!

how do I stop myself getting down when they aren’t letting me contact him?

im sorry for the long post and sorry for sounding pathetic.

Just remind him what’s sauce for the goose…. He now doesn’t get to hear anything about what’s happening in your son’s life when ds is with you, absolutely nothing. And obviously no phone calls to ds when he’s with you either, and no messaging you and no swaps for the days he has him. If she goes into Labour when he has ds - tough shit.

As your as your ds is old enough, give him a basic mobile in case he ever needs to get in touch with you.

Given the op makes zero reference to him ever having asked….

We don’t know though? And who knows going forward? Just because he hasn’t asked so far…. And also the ex’s baby hasn’t arrived yet….

Had the OP always been happy for him to speak to their child when with her, and he asked for calls 3 in 5 days and message updates… the Op would have mentioned. Guaranteed!

I would have hated having my ex calling me three evenings a week when my kids were that young. Life is hectic enough with young kids. When it's not your time with your son you should let him have uninterupted time with his dad unless there is an emergency or he is specifically asking to speak to you.

While I understand you miss your DS when he is with his dad , respectfully your calls may be unsettling your son during the days he is there and confusing him. It’s not unreasonable that your ex doesn’t want the calls and will ignore them. Your respective situations have moved on and honestly if it were me I wouldn’t appreciate calls which interrupt the routine and aren’t really necessary when it’s his time. Difficult though it is to accept YABU to expect to have these calls unless it is a genuine emergency.

Sorry but I don’t think this is in the best interests of your child, this is for you, not for them.
Pick your battles wisely, your stuck together for life

Of course you’re not.

The new woman sounds like she’s behind these new rules. She’ll be on the end of the one day. I hope she enjoys it.

He has changed because previously he had no other commitments when you left for someone else . But now both of you have partners and new babies. So , No his time with his father has nothing to do with you except in emergency. You can not dictate his routines , where he takes him , who he visits , seeing his GF or the relationship with new baby .

You might suggest that it would be helpful both ways if you could both be flexible if events fall on your weeks . But you can't force him and it would be better for your kid if you didn't try to push your agenda .

Did you call those three nights before he got a new partner or you had dd? Presumably your ds is safe and happy there? Maybe it affects him to speak to you. You are pickng a time to suit you but it may not them. Could you suggest the middle day unless your ds asks?

Get yourself a hobby that you do in the evenings when your son isn’t with you. Take your mind off the fact that he isn’t there by having some fun and finding time to relax. I know it’s difficult and that you have a new baby but surely there is something you could do once the little one is in bed. Crafting maybe, embroidery, or knitting. Anything other than disturbing your child when he is with his dad.

Honestly, I think xP was likely agreeable when he still loved you and now hes moved on wants some boundaries. And honestly, if 1 of those is DS will call if he asks too but otherwise please let my time with him be uninterrupted thats not an unreasonable one.

When hes with you if xP wants to call you could be equally difficult but I wouldnt be.

I think calling the middle days are for you not DS and while im sympathic, I dont think xP is unreasonable for saying no unless DS has had an accident/illness or asks to call you.

You chose this when you left xP and agreed 50:50 5 on 5 off. And i wouldnt make this my hill to die on

If he wanted to change the rules he should have discussed it like an adult not aggravated a situation saying "ds doesn't want to talk to you" and refusing to have his child extra while she had a baby because seriously who fucking does that? Not a good co-parent a counter parent does that

Why would he give you money or you ask for it when you’re 50/50?
how quickly did you move on? Could it be a factor?

This is so sad, I couldn't have tolerated not having my child 100% of the time.

I understand that relationships fail and kids have to be shared but i feel really sad for the kids having to stay with each parent for so many days each just to satisfy the grownups or the courts....

OP is the one who ended the relationship, she’s the reason each parent now has 50/50, she moved on with someone else extremely fast, she’s settled with another man and has a baby. What’s the stepmum done to deserve your criticism? There’s no suggestion she’s stopping OP contacting her son.

You may be projecting here.

The OP is clear that the calling is for her benefit, not her son’s. I don’t think his dad is unreasonable not to facilitate it.

Did you misread the age in the OP or would you seriously have a 5 year old with a phone?!

I think you need to let this go . sorry

in the interests of the child, keep the peace

who knows what they will be like when they have a new baby

Leave your ex and DS to their compagny. You dont need to call all the time. They will do fine.

If you split up you will need to tolerate it. That's life.

It isn’t just to satisfy the grown ups and the courts. What an ignorant thing to say. Children’s living arrangements after a split are always in the child’s best interests and ensure where possible that the child has a proper ongoing relationship with both parents. This is much better than in the past where fathers in particular were often separated from their children because of the prejudice of the courts and the selfishness of the other parent ( usually the mother)

You have him during your time and he does the same . There’s no need for phone calls as they’re distracting his routine. If they need you they will call you but it’s not up to you. My ex calls during bath time etc I don’t like it my kids are with me more and my daughter is 13 so I let her speak to him but it’s not ideal. It’s disruptive for eg I tell my daughter it’s not time to speak on the phone then she answers rudely ‘a talking to my dad!!!’ So it does piss me off.

I never contacted my son's dad when he was there, the relationship between you all sounds toxic so I'm not really surprised they want to just have a clean break and enjoy their time with him.

Perhaps get a hobby to focus on whilst he's at his dads.

You got divorced, he has another partner, and you aren't a part of his life anymore, except as his child's mother. When your child is with him, you aren't there. And vice versa.

Your child is fine when he's with his father and his family. You are calling to satisfy your own emotional need, not your child's, and probably upsetting him when he's settled and happy. Stop calling.