Feeling down after Health Visitor said my son is still delayed

[FilledWithRegrets]

Hi,

Sorry this will be quite long.

I am a single mum to a 13 month boy called 'Harry'.

When Harry was about 10 months old, he had his 9-12 month review and at this time, Harry was babbling sounds, but no actual words and would only army crawl everywhere. He was rolling and could sit with some wobbling. He had no interest in pulling himself up. He didn't point at things, but he could hold things in each hand. He wouldn't use cutlery, but he would let me feed him with a spoon. He has always had good eye contact. His weight and height were fine.

The Health Visitor said he was in grey areas for his gross motor skills and communication. She said someone would give us a call in a few months to see how he was doing.

Harry now babbles a lot more, but still no actual words. Sometimes he make sounds like "Maamaa' 'Gaagaa" and "Eye", which I assume is his version of "Hi". Harry has a range of vocalisations from low mumbles to high pitch screaming. He proper crawls now, pulls himself up against furniture etc and is also shimmering around the rooms. He can do this slow and fast pace and with either one or two hands. He still doesn't point, but reaches his hand(s) for me or for an object. He won't use cutlery.

Personally I have been struggling with comparing him to other babies/toddlers, which I know I shouldn't do, but I can't help it especially when another child younger or his age reaches a new milestone and he hasn't yet. I do feel depressed when his happens and feel paranoid about why he hasn't achieved this and that yet. I have spoken to my local Health Visitor, but she wasn't too concerned as he is still young.

I take him to baby groups in different places, so he can interact with other kids his age and hopefully it will encourage him to try new things. I sing and read to him, although he doesn't want to sit still for either, but I sing and read loud enough, so he still hears what I am saying. I also narrate our daily activities to him. We did stop using a dummy as I was told it can delay speech. Harry accepted this quite well. He drinks from 12+ months bottles as I was told that can help strengthen the mouth muscles.

I did start feeling more positive about his achievements. I have had people say how observant and happy he is.

A Health Visitor called today and went through his previous assessment and I said what he could do now. Although she sounded happy that harry was now shimmering etc, she said on her charts that his previous scoring hasn't changed and he was still in the grey areas for gross motor skills and communication.

To be honest, I was really crushed and dejected by this as I thought he was on the right track. The Health Visitor said someone will call me in about a month or so time to see how's he's doing.

After the call I did breakdown as I felt a mixture of shame and heartbroken as I finally felt he was doing what he is supposed to be doing at his age.

I don't know how to get back to feeling more positive. Everytime Harry babbles or pulls himself up or does anything all I can think is "He's still behind other kids" "He's still not doing what he is supposed to be doing" and "What's the point in encouraging him anymore?"

He sounds completely fine for a 13 month old. Take it all with a pinch of salt.

I’m so sorry OP that all sounds really hard. I have 2 kids now in their twenties and I found that health visitors and other staff are really just making a comparison with a lot of numbers. It doesn’t tell you how your child will be when he’s older, doesn’t say what he will be good at, how loving he will be, nor all the good memories you’ll make together.

i think you need to try really hard to stop comparing him and just enjoy Harry for being himself. Obviously if they advise physio or something then do it, but don’t take their harsh words so literally and remember they are only comparing a few aspects of your DS. One of mine didn’t crawl or walk for ages - lots of deliberation and talk of “behind” and “delayed”. One day he literally got up and took a few steps and he missed out crawling altogether. You cannot tell how they will be and nor can the health visitors despite her charts!

He sounds very similar to my DS. He started walking about 15 months and didn’t say a word until he was over 2. Nobody ever said that he was anything other than in the normal range. He’s now nearly 7, bright as a button, running around everywhere. Please don’t compare your lovely boy to others! I bet there are things he’s doing earlier than others.

Jesus I am so glad I sacked off the HVs who I hated

Sounds like my oldest who is now 4 and stupidly articulate and athletic.

At around 18m i vividly remember pushing dd other the swings with an nct mum.
Her dd was singing old macdonald clearly and loudly and my dd was looking blankly then turned to my dh and said.... Mama
🫠🙈🙈🙈

Talk to harry a lot, sing to Harry a lot, play with him a lot. let him self feed finger food and put things slightly out of his reach so he has to work to get it.

try and tune out the noise and enjoy your child.

OP, it's so hard because you want your DS to be achieving all the things he should.

It sounds like he's a bit behind. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong. But it is actually a good thing that they are keeping an eye on things. DS was behind for some aspects of communications etc, and because it was flagged early, he accessed speeech and language therapy even when he was just 3 and while that was just the start of his challenges, it was so helpful that we started getting the support early. Today, he's a strapping 15 year old who yes, has Sensory Processing Disorder and ADHD but who is doing relatively well at school, has friends and an active social life, plays rugby, basketball, football and is generally a (mostly) lovely kid. But, if you'd met him (or us) at various stages over the last 15 years, you'd have heard me worrying about how behind he was, or how hard certain things were for him. Because they were (and still are sometimes).

My granddaughter is 13 months and can’t crawl or pull herself up, doesn’t say any words either.

Mine only had 2 words at 13 months, it was very slow progress with a word here and there until 19 months, when everything suddenly exploded - loads of words, two word combos etc. I think the fact that your baby is progressing on communication and walking is really positive.

Late walking (and late is after 18 months) has a genetic element. Were you or the dad late to walk?

Ages and Stages is very sensitive for picking up delays - it doesn't miss many delayed children. But it's not very specific for picking up delayed children - some parts of the assessment INCORRECTLY identify four children as delayed for every one child CORRECTLY identified. So if you are told your child is delayed, based on Ages and Stages, there's an 80% chance they aren't. It's been set up as an assessment with the balance on the side of worrying when you don't need to, rather than missing children who need extra attention.

As a mum to 4 kids, some who were well ahead with various milestones and some who were well behind.... in 5 years you likely won't be able to tell the difference between him and other kids his age.

There's really a vast range of "normal". One of mine was ridiculously early to do all the physical stuff but didn't really say any words until he was 2. Another one was also very slow to talk but it turned out he had hearing loss which was dealt with and he caught up in no time.

I absolutely do not want to undermine your concerns. Some of my kids also have additional needs and I would find it upsetting when people kept telling me they were fine when I knew they weren't.

So, on that note I will say that IF there is an underlying reason for any delays your child has... he's still your perfect baby and he will 100% be fine because he clearly has a mum who cares a lot about him and his development. You're doing all the right things, and even though it's hard hearing that he's not meeting milestones, please don't forget the progress that he has made!

My older daughter didn't walk until she was 15 months and my younger daughter was 17 months. They are both really fit, active healthy teenagers. They developed differently to each other and to the children around them. It is so difficult not to compare, and even harder when you have a health visitor providing unfavourable input. Your wee boy is still so very young, he will develop at his own pace. Try not to worry, although I know that is easier said than done!

OP, with a mind like yours, look up red flags for milestones, as it should help settle it (for some parents it would do the opposite). Depending on source, not speaking is only a red flag at 15 or 18months. Not walking - 16months from memory. Many babies don’t use cutlery at all- at this age you’re looking at growing confidence with a spoon (great if they like stabbing things with a fork but typically most baby aimed forks are way too blunt to be effective so toddlers get discouraged- you could try doddl cutlery. He is doing absolutely fine for a 13month old, he’s progressing - there’s a lot of brain connections to make.:) Possibly put on Bluey Baby Race episode for a lighter take.:) Really the only time you really need to worry is when they regressing through milestones- slow progress is absolutely fine.

He’s 13 months , I think Harry is doing just fine and it’s the HVs that are the problem, enjoy your little boy he's crawling now and he will speak and walk when he’s ready

My first born was evaluated for being floppy at birth and later for a squint (which he never had). I was beside myself with worry. He walked at 10 months but hardly spoke. When he did finally speak it was in full sentences. He knew his alphabet at 2 and was reading at 3 so clearly his lack of speech in the earlier months didn't hold him back.

The upshot is trying not to worry. With a fantastic mum he will reach his full potential.

Gosh he's only 13 months, he doesn't sound very behind to me at all! The normal range for walking and speech are pretty wide and they all do things at different rates. I would say he's within the normal range, just at the slower end - that doesn't mean he will always be, they generally even out by 3 or 4. My friend's granddaughter wasn't talking at all at 2, just a few months later she's chatting away, lots of words!

Try not to hyperfocus on what he is or isn't doing and just enjoy playing with him, having fun with him, chatting to him lots and making him giggle. He's so little, there's plenty of time.

You sound like a great mum
As with a first time mum i dread how you all put up with the current box ticking care.
I took my child to a health check my child climbed the low cane chsir and the health nurse from plunket (Nz)
Said was I allowing this as its a safety issue...i ssod its fine im right here..sitring in a box room the child bored as...I left & decided her always finding something stupid to go on at me as a 3rd time mother abit much...
My rant means ....there box ticking and there whats normal or good doesnt fit all.
I would be asking whats the purpose of this for you and as your child starts school I am sure they will be up to speed
Stop worrying about it and go visit a gp of you can brcuase the health person shouldnt be making you feel any doubt except reasurring you.
Mine treated me like a brat...i a but i know whats right for us.

I’ve been there, I’m sorry you’re feeling so down.

My biggest advice is to watch the Bluey episode Baby Race.

Second is to trust that all babies develop at their own pace.

Neither of my babies moved until nearly a year old - no crawling at all. In fact my second child scored in the black for her gross motor skills at 12 months old. She’s 7 now and runs and walks normally.

Keep going as you are doing and try to relax. Neither of mine could talk at all at that age...both around 2 before they reallty started speaking. Both are articulate & intelligent adults now.

My daughter is 13 months. Not crawling, pulling to stand or walking. She also can't get herself into sitting position and will only spin or shuffle backwards. Her gross motor skills were assessed as behind so we were referred to physio at 11 months. Physio wasn't a bit concerned and said health visitors can be a bit overzealous with referrals and she wouldn't be worried until much further down the line. For now, I'm just enjoying her not being mobile (my son was an escape artist) and working on some physio exercises to encourage her but I'm sure all these things will happen when they happen.

Don’t feel bad. You sound like an amazing mum!

My ds was behind - he was very slow to talk and the HV and subsequently his teachers says it’s “normal boy development.”

I always felt there was something holding him back and when he finished reception I got him a hearing test. It turns out he has a permanent hearing loss that wasn’t detected because it is only moderately bad at certain frequencies- but it totally explains his problems and now we know, and he has a hearing aid, he’s doing well.

Hi literally sounds like a normal toddler. No 13m used cutlery, lots dont walk or have any words at that age. He is totally normal in my view. My ds is 3 now and was the same and he is fine, running and chatting away

So I didn’t have a health visitor following up, but my son was pretty similar at a similar age! My friend who is a paediatrician said there’s no need to worry until 18 months re walking. My son started walking at 17 months. He is also now an incredible communicator but definitely wasn’t at your son’s age! They change so much between 1 and 1.5 years, please don’t waste headspace worrying about it when you could be enjoying your child.
Side note: my son being ‘delayed’ walking was such a blessing in disguise, by the time he could run he actually had some sense and could understand ‘no’! My friend’s baby walked at 10 months and it was a nightmare 😆

OP please goodness ignore your health visitor and any posters on here who say he may be behind. He is absolutely not behind! He will get there in his own time. My 13 month old boy doesn’t crawl, walk or have any words and I am not in the slightest bit worried. My family in another European country are absolutely baffled when I talk about health visitors and their ridiculous ages and stages questionnaires. Please please just enjoy him as he is and enjoy that baby stage for a bit longer as once he’s walking and talking it’s a whole other ball game!