Feeling down after Health Visitor said my son is still delayed

[FilledWithRegrets]

Hi,

Sorry this will be quite long.

I am a single mum to a 13 month boy called 'Harry'.

When Harry was about 10 months old, he had his 9-12 month review and at this time, Harry was babbling sounds, but no actual words and would only army crawl everywhere. He was rolling and could sit with some wobbling. He had no interest in pulling himself up. He didn't point at things, but he could hold things in each hand. He wouldn't use cutlery, but he would let me feed him with a spoon. He has always had good eye contact. His weight and height were fine.

The Health Visitor said he was in grey areas for his gross motor skills and communication. She said someone would give us a call in a few months to see how he was doing.

Harry now babbles a lot more, but still no actual words. Sometimes he make sounds like "Maamaa' 'Gaagaa" and "Eye", which I assume is his version of "Hi". Harry has a range of vocalisations from low mumbles to high pitch screaming. He proper crawls now, pulls himself up against furniture etc and is also shimmering around the rooms. He can do this slow and fast pace and with either one or two hands. He still doesn't point, but reaches his hand(s) for me or for an object. He won't use cutlery.

Personally I have been struggling with comparing him to other babies/toddlers, which I know I shouldn't do, but I can't help it especially when another child younger or his age reaches a new milestone and he hasn't yet. I do feel depressed when his happens and feel paranoid about why he hasn't achieved this and that yet. I have spoken to my local Health Visitor, but she wasn't too concerned as he is still young.

I take him to baby groups in different places, so he can interact with other kids his age and hopefully it will encourage him to try new things. I sing and read to him, although he doesn't want to sit still for either, but I sing and read loud enough, so he still hears what I am saying. I also narrate our daily activities to him. We did stop using a dummy as I was told it can delay speech. Harry accepted this quite well. He drinks from 12+ months bottles as I was told that can help strengthen the mouth muscles.

I did start feeling more positive about his achievements. I have had people say how observant and happy he is.

A Health Visitor called today and went through his previous assessment and I said what he could do now. Although she sounded happy that harry was now shimmering etc, she said on her charts that his previous scoring hasn't changed and he was still in the grey areas for gross motor skills and communication.

To be honest, I was really crushed and dejected by this as I thought he was on the right track. The Health Visitor said someone will call me in about a month or so time to see how's he's doing.

After the call I did breakdown as I felt a mixture of shame and heartbroken as I finally felt he was doing what he is supposed to be doing at his age.

I don't know how to get back to feeling more positive. Everytime Harry babbles or pulls himself up or does anything all I can think is "He's still behind other kids" "He's still not doing what he is supposed to be doing" and "What's the point in encouraging him anymore?"

Please please try not to worry. My eldest son had lots of words by 19 months and started walking at 18 months. My youngest son is now 18 months old and can only say Dada. Didn't crawl properly til he was about a year old and only just started walking at 17 months. Every baby is different. When I discussed with his nursery they said most speech and language therapists aren't worried til they're 2.

Quite seriously, please watch baby race. It's only 7 minutes and I think it'll be really helpful as well as making you smile/laugh in places.

There is a very wide range of normal - he's not behind! Of four babies born within a couple of weeks of each other - one walked at 9/10 months, mine at 13.5 months, one at 15 months and one is not walking at 17 months. All lovely, happy toddlers who are doing brilliantly.

And they change SO quickly at this age. At 13 months mine was not walking - two weeks later she was walking just as well as her 'friend' who'd been on two feet for at least three months at that point. Same with the baby who walked at 15 months - after a couple of weeks there was zero skill difference. At 14 months my girl only really said mama and dada. Two months later, over 50 words.

Give him time. So long as you can see he's progressing (and it sounds like he is) he's doing well.

Is the HV meeting him or asking you?

He sounds lovely, progressing well (so don't get too distracted by comparison to forget to be excited by everything he's learning) and happy.

There are plenty of parents who count a random 'eye" sound as "Hi," and will listen to a long chain of random noises and pick words out, then tell other parents they are talking. It isn't lying, it's excitement and rose tinted glasses. It sounds a bit like you are setting a high bar, because you're worried, but try actually looking at all the other babies.

This is a hard age for NCT groups, they all seem to pick different things to be ahead in and behind in. It usually all levels out by 18months.

Both of my children were behind at 13 months, not talking ar walking or doing anything some others could do. Ultimately both have autism but are doing so well now. Each child has their own path and even if they are a little bit different, ultimately it is nothing that you are doing wrong. Your child could have a fast period of development or they may keep going at their own pace but they are still your wonderful child. My eldest didn't walk until 19 months or talk until he was 4 but is now on track for top grades at g.c.s.e and my youngest is progressing well at a special school, still behind but making steady progress. It is not the end of the world. Please be patient and they will blossom in their own time.

He sounds lovely and you appear to be doing a fantastic job with him. He is very lucky to have you as his mum.

Sounds like you are doing loads to help him develop so even if there is some delay he will catch up in bits and pieces. Just enjoy him and don’t put too much store in the HV comments.
In my experience they are as others have said, just box ticking from a very prescriptive development chart. That’s clear from the many replies here from parents of children who are now adults doing adulting.
My son was having far more issues than that at 13 months and he’s a rather lovely and decent 30 something young man now.

Just take up anything they might offer you and keep doing what you’re doing as it very much sounds like you are giving him exactly the sort of instinctive parenting he needs.

Your kid is your kid lovely, and nothing you’ve done or haven’t done has caused him to be delayed (if he even is delayed!) I nanny twins and there is nothing to remind me about how child is driven In their own way as having two exactly the same age. Please try and remind yourself that milestones are just averages of when a kid usually learns something. But that means for every child who does it ‘early’ there is a little one who does it in the later end.

twins walked by 11 months but my last little one didn’t until 17 months! On the ‘late’ end but she was just a cautious kid

if your child even is delayed he might just need a bit of extra support to get there. Don’t beat yourself up!

Please try not to worry. 13 months is really little ,most babies are not walking or talking then.
Examples:
DS1 had very few words till almost 2, and walked at about 16 months, and never crawled. DS2 was talking shortly after his first birthday, and walked at about 14 months- he did crawl first. DS3 didn't talk till almost 3, walked at about 15 months.

They are all adult now and you couldn't tell which one spoke first or last.
My Godson was climbing and walking at 9 months, my nieces were both almost 2 before walking.
I'm telling you this because they are all different. If you are concerned about the talking, check his hearing and understanding.. eg "Can you put the ball in the box?"
My experience of HVs is variable, on the whole I was not impressed. One told me that DS2 appeared not to be able to hear at all ( when he was already talking and actively responding) . If I had been a first time mother at that point I would have been really worried; as it was, I was able to point out that he obviously could hear.
You are doing the right things, chatting to him, reading, singing, all those things will help develop language skills, even if he doesn't speak for a while. Keep going, you are doing a great job.

The Ages & Stages isn’t designed for every baby to score in the white in every area. A huge proportion will score in the grey in one or two areas and this is perfectly normal. I’m sorry that you’ve been lead to believe it’s not.

What I would suggest though is also filling in the 12 month Social & Emotional Ages & Stages yourself and seeing how he scores on that one.

It’s still so early on and there will always be some children who get there at a different rate than others. I’m a teacher and there is never a whole class who are exactly where they should be - some will take longer and need extra support and others will be further on.

My eldest never crawled - he commando crawled the whole time until he was almost 18 months old and then he walked. We always thought he was lazy and would just squawk at us to get him what he wanted. He was obsessed with ducks and farms.
We didn’t even realise there might be anything going on until we had his brother who was chilled and crawling and walking early. But he definitely has AUDHD and I’m getting him diagnosed just so he can understand who he is.
Now he is 8 and is a ridiculously articulate child who doesn’t stop talking, plays football, swims, reads and is above in all the core subjects academically. Socially, this year has been hard for him and he is very impulsive but I’ve told him there will be more likeminded people like him at secondary school who will be more intensely passionate about things.

I am also a SEN teacher and the parents are amazing and see all their children’s successes so whatever his progress is you will learn to focus on him as an individual.
Could you find a SEN group with him? It might help you to speak to other parents who have been through similar and can support you.
I remember when DS2 had tongue tie and glue ear and then was delayed with speech and the HV booked us in for a communication group with other families at the children’s centre and it was lovely and a different scene to baby groups.

my DD only started crawling and sitting at 9 months, didn’t walk until 15 months, rarely babbled, she’s now 2 and 3 months and can communicate so much better than others her age I’ve met at groups and play centres. I wouldn’t worry yet

My DD showed as delayed across every single marker in all her early childhood reviews from 8 months on. It was an incredibly worrying time, so I really do understand the tumult of feelings. DD did not walk or talk until aged three years, could not go down a slide until aged five, there were lots of things - we called it her living in a bubble time. She was under the paediatric consultant from two. You would not know this now years later, she is incredibly bright and happy and her physical side has slowly caught up…

There is always a point to stimulating all of a child’s senses, in ways they feel safe and with carers they feel safe with. Smell flowers, taste blackberries on walks, point out the sounds of ducks or aeroplanes, look at spiders, etc. use routines to help build up pattern analysis development, etc.

He is so young and children develop at such different times. I have two SEN children who both developed ahead of their times as young babies and toddlers but are now struggling in their later years with certain things.

there is a professor at Cambridge who was non verbal until he was age 11. Just got a quick overview of him:

The professor at the University of Cambridge who was non-verbal until age 11 is Jason Arday, the professor of sociology of education. Diagnosed with autism and global developmental delay as a young child, he did not speak until he was 11 years old and could not read or write until he turned 18.

So really you just can not tell from childhood delays how a person will end up. You might just have a different journey to the typical and that is ok and actually for us we live our journey is unique with our children.

My DD never crawled and wobbly sitting up. Didn’t walk until 15 months. Babbled a lot and spoke early but I don’t think it was much at that age. Now have a very bright active teen. Don’t worry. I know it’s hard but try not to compare

Absolute madness. My children, particularly my eldest, weren’t saying words or pulling themselves up at 13 months - or for a few more months after that. I also vaguely worried, largely because my sister had a baby the same age who was way ahead of the speaking and walking game. Thankfully I didn’t have ‘professionals’ exacerbating this.

Both are now bright and happy children. My eldest got full marks in his SATS this year and is quite partial to various sports. I don’t believe that to be indicative of his future success, but I think to label children ‘behind’ at 13 months is bonkers.

You and Harry are doing wonderfully :)

I also wanted to add that it is really good that the HV is keeping an eye on him.

If he’s still in the grey in those areas on her next assessment I would ask for referrals for a hearing test to rule out glue ear, to physio and to Portage if it’s still available in your area

It’s still so early, I wouldn’t worry. Keep reading, playing, going out and singing with him and give him lots of time.

As an aside-what is ’shimmering’ in this context?

I really don't think you need to worry. DD started crawling at 12 months, and walked at 17. First word at 14 months, and didn't say 'mama' until 22 months. HV had slight concerns about the late walking, but not otherwise. She's currently on track for all 8/9's at GCSE (though she's not in the top set for PE). I think 'Harry' is well within the normal range for baby development.

He sounds absolutely normal to me and as with the very first comment, try and take with a pinch of salt and not compare with others my own son (27 now!) was very late walker 19 months, didn’t start getting teeth until 14 months! I did start panicking a bit at that one 😁. he did have glue ear when it was investigated as to why words weren’t pronounced correctly (he was at least 2 then) & grommets sorted that … years on and that’s just him, very laid back & takes his time ..great guy and has made a lovely life and good friends

Find the strength in your baby.

Until they are 4 years old, I believe that speech and motor skills develop at very different speeds.

My 2 year old is high in motor skills but babbles. A few of his age mates are saying sentences. It was disheartening at first, but their mums would tell me “but your son does that and mine doesn’t yet” / so they all develop in their own time.

1 is still very young, just concentrate on taking care of them, maybe introduce gentle excercises, but nothing that is stressful (for me that includes reading more books, not pushing speech but celebrating small milestones and encouraging words but in a stress free way) and try to enjoy what you can.

I know it’s hard.