Health visitor visit left me confused about managing my four year old

[Newbie234561]

I’m not sure if I am now the issue honestly, my 4 year old (3rd out of my 4 children) has been displaying certain behaviours that his pre school noticed and suggested I contact health visitor after I told them how extreme it became at home. I did so and they referred for a HV practitioner to visit and she did today. All seemed fine my boy was probably having one of his worse days while I’m trying to explain his behaviour he is showing some of them, the issue I had was she said I am adjusting well to his needs- great, that I’m using the right language and that she can send me some info on things like traffic light system and other books. Great again however while she was here my son climbed up something dangerous i got him to get down but he wasn’t happy with this so decided to shut all the windows and continually slam my back doors I told him to stop, and even brought him inside, he continued. I asked her advice on what to do and she said “he is causing no harm and isn’t doing it out of anger”?!? Ok but he still shouldn’t be doing that especially as his little sister was right by the door at the time. She then said she thought he had done well and she will leave as he requires my attention, when she said this he screamed no as he wanted her to play in his room, she tried talking to him he ignored her and faced the wall still screaming and she looked at me with a “what should I do now” I’m completely confused as I was told she could help but she practically ran out saying I’m going now and said she would book in some more visits? Has anyone experienced this before? Thanks

I’ve not had exactly the same experience as you but I do have certain issues with one of my children and everyone gives out the same list of things to try and no one actually does anything to help

If the problems continue at school they are likely to be more help

Presumably she was observing how his behaviour is managed, not manage it herself. When a toddler is screaming and playing up like that, ignoring it and walking away (assuming they’re safe) is usually the best policy.

She probably wasn’t looking at you with ‘what should I do now” she was probably thinking ‘what are you going to do about it?” - he’s your child, you’re the parent.

Were you expecting the HV to get your son to behave? I don't understand this post at all. That's enough internet for me tonight 🙄

Maybe she was trying to understand what the strategies you use are?
She isn’t there to discipline your child. She can advice and provide strategies and also observe your sons behavior.
Do you physically remove him when he is doing something dangerous and redirect him?
Personally when my children behaved like that I didn’t tell them to stop. Then knew that wasn’t allowed. I would simply physically remove them while telling them no.
But he is your child and you know him best. Believe in your authority as his Mum. That really helped me.
I hope it gets better. It’s ok to be really really strict for a period. It pays off later.

She was probably there to check whether he needed autism assessment. And to rule out any obvious health problems

The visit was triggered due to me already explaining and trying different techniques that were not working- I was told she would visit discuss and refer where necessary and the best person to be able help guide me on his behaviour, so I’m sorry if I was told she would do something that she did not and that confused me. She did observe me and how I dealt with it, hence why she said I am already doing what they would suggest and that she could send me more info on what MIGHT help. Again as I stated he is my 3rd child and I have 4 children I have experienced a lot as a parent and have done so very well. Some children are simply more difficult! As stated I was adviced by the pre school who came to me to get them involved!

I actually told her I normally ignore when he does this and he eventually calms down, trying to engage makes him worse and she told me NOT to ignore him

Yes as the referral was made to help? I’m confused by your comment. I was told she would visit to refer and HELP with his behaviour, but whilst she was here a witnessed it she gave no advice and told me I was doing great?!? And that he did very well? I am a firm parent setting boundaries sticking to them, and again he is my 3rd I’m not new to this. He is also a very sweet, kind, helpful boy who as his nursery put it “ always wants to do the right thing” he isn’t a horrible child with lack of boundaries. I just needed support and what could work! I was confused by the health visitor and wondered if anyone had the same experience. Christ god forbid a parent asks for help

Well of course you don't ignore a child being very naughty for the sake of it (rather than totally dysregulated through distress). It sounds like you just stood by and let him slam multiple windows and doors rather than nipping it in the bud after the first thing was banged.

Thank you, yes I do this I brought him inside he ran back out and started again, as we were discussing what could work for him I thought given the example right now she could give me some advice. What the post is really about was how confused I was that she seemed his behaviour was “well” and that slamming doors is ok as long as he isn't doing it in anger or harming anyone. I’m a pretty firm parent and the harder I am on him the worse he behaves. I was more confused as to why she felt this behaviour was ok and basically escaped x

she looked at me with a “what should I do now” I’m completely confused as I was told she could help but she practically ran out saying I’m going now and said she would book in some more visits?

Surely you knew she was there to assess, not there to parent your child though?

Where did I say ignore him banging things? He shut the windows and when I told him no and removed him he started to slam the doors? I’m not the one ok with this behaviour?!? Did anyone read the post!!! I was confused that the health visitor said it was ok as long as he isn’t harming anyone and isn’t doing it out of anger?!? Are you all on here just waiting to tear down a parent? I dealt with his behaviour repeatedly over the hour she was here! She also said I am doing great? Have you all missed that part! I AM CONFUSED ON WHY SHE CAME HERE, SHE HAD NO REAL ADVICE AND FELT HE BEHAVED WELL???

Can you email her or the health visitor team and ask if they will send a summary of their observations, so you have that to refer to? Then you can pick up anything that differs from the 'you're doing great' message or ask if they have more specific advice.

I think it’s that the visit was over promised OP. Her role was to assess and she feels you are doing well (with the behaviour) and like you she doesn’t see a bad or unpleasant angry child.

It’s the being over promised that’s so frustrating and I totally get that. I think though they would never step in like Super Nanny ..but advise on strategies to try..it is pretty limp stuff..when you’d do anything to make things better 💐💐💐 and naturally feel like if she’s an expert, let’s see her expertise :)

Only human, not wrong to feel disappointed at all

No I was told she was visiting to help and advise. This was at the very end she had witnessed how I handled things and because his behaviour was due to her saying she was going and couldn’t play in his room she tried talking to him, he ignored her I then tried the same he was just sobbing. I had (just before she tried to talk to him) explained when he is like this he does not listen and when I try to engage he get worse- my exact words were I’m not sure if It is right but I normally ignore the screaming and he will eventually calm down and I can’t talk to him- she actually said not to this and then tried talking to him, she did then look at me like what now? I know from experience the best thing is to ignore.

Hi, just wondering if they notice the same at preschool? Or did you say he is well behaved there? It might be good to try and write down what his triggers are at home and at preschool and if there is anything that starts off his behaviour (eg. boredom, lack of communication skills, social difficulties, difficulty handling transitions, overstimulation, wanting attention etc). Usually at preschool that is what is done if a child is struggling with behaviour / boundaries, and it is always good to compare notes and get ahead of the trigger.

Thank you, yes I guess my hopes were too high. Maybe because I feel it’s due to how I parent or maybe lack some things. So hearing I’m doing the right things and yet it’s not working I felt deflated. If it was due to me doing wrong at least I could fix whatever that was, if that makes sense. I’m not afraid of being a better parent I even requested a course, I’m also not afraid to be told what I’m doing is wrong because I raise my children on the basis of them one day being adults, not what makes my life easier, we also keep active, only have tv no tablets and do educational play most days are crafts building and outdoors . He is extremely intelligent and has the memory of an elephant 😂 maybe that’s why it can be so frustrating.

Hi yes, they have they wrote a report for the health visitor that I had emailed over prior to the visit which she didn’t seem to know about. They approached me about behaviour. It’s more extreme at home but when we compared they too said I was doing what they do and felt he was more comfortable at home to let out to the extent he does. Maybe I rushed posting and had I explained a little more it would have come across better, I was in such a tizzy lol after the visit and in shock honestly. On occasion if I explain well he will listen I think today’s behaviour was based on him not having attention honestly. My 3 year old happily played and engaged some times but as a comparison you could see both children dealt with the same way yet very different reactions.

Sounds lovely …all that nice activity …bless him and you …you both sound super smart and in his youth he is just in upload mode ALL the time. It’s a really hard job ..parenting …hopefully you’ll be rewarded with annoyingly easy graceful teens 🌅 You did right to vent and seek advice. Your son sounds very lucky you are his Mum
Hoping the HV will surprise you with something that helps 🤞🍀

Just reading your post again, I find it funny that the child I found most difficult was also the 3rd out of 4th when they were small. He was the ‘middle child’ and would be the one to act out the most to gain our attention, while the baby (at the time, we have another recently) was naturally the loudest, and the older two would be quite independent and play together. So he was feeling left out, and needed to act out to be seen. He would also bang things to get our attention, and you could see he was always judging how I would react. It is amazing how birth order and family dynamics shape how children are.

Thank you, you sound lovely yourself. I pray for easy teen years. My older 2 are 15 and 12 and it is not for the faint hearted 😂 I actually fear my youngest will be the most difficult teen all my family say the same. Yes I guess it was to vent. All 4 of my children have very different personalities similar traits but individually beautiful, the 2 older have always and still are very respectful when visiting people, out or having visitors over so with my youngest son it’s like a whole other level xx

Hi Op

I’m also going through it with my 4 year old. Luckily, my HV has been supportive.

It was insisted straight away that we had a sit down with the nursery to get everyone’s viewpoint and in my HV’s words ‘see if it’s a behaviour issue or home issue’… is this something you can suggest to get a better picture of his behaviour?

and I get what you mean about the doors etc, I would be worked up about this too. Sometimes, I feel like I’m too quick to react. It’s difficult when you’re already exhausted from it all.

Hi, honestly they did say we’ve slipped through the gap a little as I moved house over a year ago and only just since me contacting them have they sent a letter to do a “welcome visit” they were supposed to contact 6 months ago as a follow up from his 3 year check up and apologised it was missed, and said they would cancel the visit and send the practitioner as she is best trained in all aspects. This was a completely different person and first meeting and maybe we both had different expectations of the visit. Pre school are the ones who told me to contact HV team the manager/sendco wrote a report on his behaviour to pass on but as it is now summer holidays and he will be attending primary school a meeting isn’t an option. I hope maybe the next visit he can be more calm and we can cover more ground. She did say she will book more visits plural so maybe she is thinking it could require some more time to assess what’s best? I’m glad you are receiving support and hope things can improve for you and little one🤞 xx

Mine was awful at age 3-4. I utilised the “time out” corner. At first it took hours of putting him back before he gave in. Once it worked, any ‘slamming’ or destructive behaviour and he was put there (always given a loving/affectionate debrief with explanation). It was more to do with me needing him to calm down so I could try to parent. It’s impossible when they get in that state. Obviously, that won’t work for all kids though.

Mine was terrible during a HV session and she suggested a play assessment. Could you potentially ask for one?

Hvs are not behaviour experts unfortunately. You are better doing some research with parenting books or online (try to go for stuff from professionals rather than influencers)
My DS had issues I was concerned about asd, hv came and observed agreed it could be asd and referred him to paediatrician. She never gave any advice on how to manage him.

In terms of managing your son’s behaviour it’s harder when there’s other kids but the trick is to manage his environment rather than him . So things like a consistent routine with set meals, bedtimes, activity times etc A visual calendar so he knows what to expect. If you see a situation you know he will struggle with prepare for it or distract in advance so it’s not an issue. Find things that soothe him and make sure he has access to them when he is overwhelmed. Don’t sent him up to fail, if you know there are things he struggles with try to avoid them or do them in smaller more manageable way. When he is overwhelmed and wants to for example slam a door give him an alternative like a Cushion to throw/squeeze.
Remember behaviour is communication, he’s telling you he’s struggling it’s your job to figure out why.