Health visitor visit left me confused about managing my four year old

[Newbie234561]

I’m not sure if I am now the issue honestly, my 4 year old (3rd out of my 4 children) has been displaying certain behaviours that his pre school noticed and suggested I contact health visitor after I told them how extreme it became at home. I did so and they referred for a HV practitioner to visit and she did today. All seemed fine my boy was probably having one of his worse days while I’m trying to explain his behaviour he is showing some of them, the issue I had was she said I am adjusting well to his needs- great, that I’m using the right language and that she can send me some info on things like traffic light system and other books. Great again however while she was here my son climbed up something dangerous i got him to get down but he wasn’t happy with this so decided to shut all the windows and continually slam my back doors I told him to stop, and even brought him inside, he continued. I asked her advice on what to do and she said “he is causing no harm and isn’t doing it out of anger”?!? Ok but he still shouldn’t be doing that especially as his little sister was right by the door at the time. She then said she thought he had done well and she will leave as he requires my attention, when she said this he screamed no as he wanted her to play in his room, she tried talking to him he ignored her and faced the wall still screaming and she looked at me with a “what should I do now” I’m completely confused as I was told she could help but she practically ran out saying I’m going now and said she would book in some more visits? Has anyone experienced this before? Thanks

Id say the pre-school might be able to advise better. Is it teacher led? I assume he’s starting reception in September?

@Newbie234561the main boards can be brutal if you’re discussing DC with even possible ND. I’m sorry you’ve had to defend yourself so much.

I can really recommend checking out the SN Children. This has some wonderfully supportive MNers and the threads don’t appear on active or trending so don’t tend to attract MNers who have no real experience of this kind of behaviour.

I would also recommend reading 10 days to a less defiant child as it does have some strategies in there.

Have you applied for an EHC Assessment yet? You can do this yourself and as it’s based on assessment rather than need, you can do it now

With your eldest being mid teen and pre teen, I’d almost look at them as “separate” if you know what I mean?
is the younger child staying at home with you while 4 yo off at nursery? Could it be jealousy about that? @Newbie234561

Hi no they both attended the same setting on the same days. I should have written it better. This isn’t his every day behaviour it was as I did put in op one of his worst days. A daily routine is the same and he can be very well behaved and is intelligent. It’s more frustration for him than anything I believe x

Thank you, it’s my fault I rushed the message and tried to just cut to the point rather than explaining what our day is like and in detail how I parent. I guess I would never jump on a parent asking for advice so I assumed most parents wouldn’t either lol x

Not sure why it’s like that but like I said, do check out the SN Children section. It’s usually more “done that, got the T-shirt, here’s what helped us”

Time out is utilised a lot in my house, I introduce taking time out early on and it works as such. With him everything works- time out, countdowns, removing him, removing toys, but all only for a short time. So I have been repeating the cycle for over a year and it is exhausting. He does also have speech issues such as getting stuck in a loop. Some times when I explain things he will understand some what but is as though the answer goes ignored or unregistered if that makes sense. He will get stuck on a particular things I.e the HV playing in his room, he had asked her to do this at the beginning of the session and we explained that we needed to chat and she would come and LOOK in his room when we were finished. When she said she was leaving but could come and look in his room not play this started the screaming. I’m not sure she just said she doesn’t do play with children she just comes to chat with the parent?

They have been great honestly, and were the ones who advised hv. I think because it was the beginning of July we had this chat about his behaviour it was a little late for them to do anything major with him leaving so soon. They did type up a report and had a meeting with his new school teacher and explained how he can behave to them. The school themselves have said if nothing comes of the hv they do their own assessments in the first 3 months of reception so should be able to help in the long run x

Time out is, ime (retired EY/KS1 DH/T) the best way to deal with this kind of disruptive, unsafe behaviour.
Do you have a playpen? If so, I would pop him in there for 5 mins, with a big egg timer that he can see the sand running through. I would have a soft toy and some heuristic (natural) objects to explore in there to distract him from the unwanted behaviour. Tell him that you can't allow him to carry on slamming doors etc as he could hurt himself or someone else.
At the end of the 5 mins, lift him out and cuddle him, praising him for the way he calmed down, if he did. He might not be truly calm until the cuddle stage.

She didn't have any ideas for you, did she? in reality. I don't know about training now, but years ago HV training concentrated on physical health and meeting milestones. I don't think she's the right resource for you op, I would push his Gp for a full behavioural assessment