My 13 year old has a boyfriend and I am unsure how to respond

[BoldAquaOP]

Found out my 13 year old has a boyfriend yesterday, he is 14, they live quite a while away from each other but met through her friend who is related to the lad, they talk none stop but she’s kept it secret
weve found out and said she can continue to talk to him as long as it’s no longer a secret
they are very intense with each other with the “I love you” and talking about their future.
i was a young mum and im not sure how to deal with the tense feelings she has for him.
im not sure if its too much far too young or just general teen talk?

Have they ever actually physically met?? In person? If not then it’s all just talk isn’t it?
Do you have oversight of her social media and messaging? Thats but I’d be wary of. Especially if they don’t actually spend time together. Watch for inappropriate messages and pictures! He’s an appropriate age and if he’s a long way away will be hard to see each other without your input. I’d just keep a careful eye and expect it to fizzle out.

She doesn’t need to talk to him for more that half an hour. I’d definitely be limiting that and giving her other hobbies and interests. Otherwise he’ll become her epicentre and sole purpose.

Have you ever met any teenagers?

Yes. I’m a teacher and parent. And I know how to give them boundaries for their good. Why?

She’s 13
its a childhood crush which will fizzle out - teenagers can be intense
Obviously monitor her but otherwise if they live far away not a lot can happen

I do monitor her phone activity, she has been talking to him on a chat app and then deleting it, so I didn’t see until last night when she forgot to delete it and it popped up and I wondered who he was, all seems so intense and he seems very infatuated.
they’ve never met in person

How do you know he’s real? And a boy? And 14 not 40? This is much more worrying. She shouldn’t be deleting things- what’s she hiding, and she doesn’t know him. Online safety 101. Parent your child- she’s extremely vulnerable to online abuse right now.

I know he is real as I have spoken to him and his parents yesterday, he is her friend’s relative as I explained in my original post.
maybe read my post correctly before coming at me saying parent my child!

I think she hid this from you because she knew you'd react this way, you wouldn't be happy.
If you are relaxed (or appear to them that you are) about things they'll be more open and honest with you.

I think this too, she knows I think she is too young for any sort of “relationship”
its very hard to remain chilled out about this sort of stuff given the way teens are these days

They’ve never met so it’s pretty harmless imho. I remember friendships being very intense as a teen and peopl def dated at 13/14. I’d advise her if they do meet not to be persuaded to do anything she doesn’t want to and you’ll be there for her.

What do you mean the way teens are these days their a lot more sensible then we where. Teen pregnancy is down, less teens drink alcohol. Teens have less sex. Teens don't have the freedom we had when I think back to what i did as a teen its a miracle I'm still alive.

They don’t even know each other so I’d be making it very clear that he is not her boyfriend.

The fact she didn't mention it and deleted the chats would want me to focus on building that link with her.
Fund a way to discuss what is appropriate and safe to share on the phones particularly pictures.

And monitor. These kids can navigate apps etc and they are so savvy it is scary

I actually meant regarding online activity, I never had all of the stuff they did as a teenager.

I have clarified to her this is only a friendship

Yes it was on an app I had never heard of, I had to chat GPT it to find what the screenshots belonged to.
she told me all her friends use that as well as a few others I had never heard of
the phone has been removed at the moment and we are focusing on family time.

How is she able to download apps without you approving them? Has your 13 year old got unfettered access to the internet as well?

It was a free app, I didn’t know I could put a password on for free apps which I have now done.
no she does not, I monitor it, but she rarely uses the internet for anything but homework, everything she uses on her phone is apps for talking to friends or playing games.

I don’t think you do 😅

I wouldn’t be so relaxed about them living far away etc. Teens do find money and get trains etc. If they’re
“in love” they’re going to be desperate to meet up. There seem constantly to be messages on local FB groups about teens having skipped school and gone off for the day without telling anyone.

It’s so scary because as we all know from online dating there are so many things you can’t tell about someone from messages and calls alone. How they behave when relaxed, how they smell, how they interact with others, how they spend their time, how they act when things go wrong. I’d be talking to her about this frankly because the reality is she doesn’t really know him.

If you’re suggesting kids should be allowed on their phones for hours then you’re not in much of a position to argue boundaries with this poster.

I have talked to her about this a lot yesterday very bluntly, she has no intention of meeting up with him , he has asked and she has said no which I saw messages confirming that.
she won’t even walk to school alone so I don’t think she would travel to meet him, she doesn't go to friends houses very often either, they usually come here.

Yeah you're right about that part its scary. My dd when she was 14 her boyfriend secretly recorded them having sex.

That is disgusting and horrific, I’m sorry she went through that.