My 13 year old has a boyfriend and I am unsure how to respond

[BoldAquaOP]

Found out my 13 year old has a boyfriend yesterday, he is 14, they live quite a while away from each other but met through her friend who is related to the lad, they talk none stop but she’s kept it secret
weve found out and said she can continue to talk to him as long as it’s no longer a secret
they are very intense with each other with the “I love you” and talking about their future.
i was a young mum and im not sure how to deal with the tense feelings she has for him.
im not sure if its too much far too young or just general teen talk?

If you are allowing a smart phone, personally I recommend tighter restrictions on their phone.

You can enable a parent approval on their phone for app downloads. The approval then has to be accepted on your phone. That includes any free app downloads.

My 13 year old dd has a bf too. They have been “together” for nearly a year.

It’s entirely innocent and I’m not worried at all

Do they go to the same school? Or spend time together outside of school?

I had a boyfriend at 13/14. It involved intense feelings and lots of snogging.
That was 50 years ago. Its not just these days.

I was referring to the online activity for teens these days compared to when I was a teen

If she is using apps for talking to friends she is using the internet.

Yes thanks for that

People just love to critique other people’s parenting! Sorry about the rudeness OP from some responders.
i have no experience either than being a teen myself (my little one is 18 months old) so I have a way to go.

you are doing great so far with making contact with the boy and his family. Best you can do now is to monitor their relationship. Perhaps now it’s in the open she won’t delete messages? Set some healthy boundaries about phone usage and see where it goes. I had a boyfriend too at 14, he gave me a rose and a card for my birthday and then one day we just didn’t talk! There was no big break up or tears it just faded by the next term.. think the summer holidays cooled it in your case they won’t even see each other as she will need you to facilitate it!

They have never met in person??

Not on OP

Protect her.

Make sure u have a discussion about not sending any naked or half naked pictures of herself as with any relationships that are online that is the biggest worry!

apps with disappearing messages should be banned!

No they have not met
It is her friends cousin
i am protecting her, we have spoken to his parents and she is having time away from her phone.

We have spoken to her about pictures, we have also banned Snapchat or anything similar going forward.

They go to the same school yes but they don’t spend time outside of school. They live too far apart

I think I’d be worried about how vulnerable dd is. She won’t walk to school alone and rarely goes to friends houses, is she not confident enough to do so? she’s also lying and hiding things from you. And now this boy is incredibly intense with her, does she know she can have boundaries if she wants? Does she know she can say no if he asks her to send photographs of herself? (And that if she does technically she’s breaking the law and could be charged with sex offences!) these are the sorts of things I’d want to be checking.
id be worried about invalidating what is a really important relationship to her by saying it’s just a friendship, but i also wouldn’t want to say it’s a relationship when clearly it isn’t. It’s a really tough one to navigate op.

I had a boyfriend at 13 and he’s now my DH. Young love is a bit intense because it’s all new! I would just keep conversations open and honest.

It's pretty common for 13/14 year olds to have relationships and feelings for each other. Whether they tell you or not. It's good that you know about this one, OP.

You've confirmed that he is real, and the age he says he is, so that's also good.

The concern is that they haven't met, yet it's very intense, and has also been secret initially. That can lead to some silly stuff. Like one having a row with their parents, it all being very exaggerated over messaging and them 'running away' to be with the other teen. Or them finally meeting in person and it not being what they expected. Apart from that, an entirely online relationship isn't really the best first experience, as they aren't learning to navigate real-life interpersonal stuff - a useful life skill we often start to learn from early relationships.

You've said they're long-distance, but are they so far apart that you couldn't organise a meetup with parents around? Something like a cafe where they can meet and chat with you present at a different table or shopping nearby? Bring it out into the open, out of this secrecy and online-only chat.

Trying to restrict or ban an intense relationship between teens can have the opposite effect.

I was like that as a teen. Seems normal. Then he will annoy her and it'll be on to the next.

I would ask her is he really a boyfriend or friend, they’ve never met in person and by the sounds of it no plans to meet him so why would she feel the need to call him a boyfriend if the relationship will not extend past a few messages and maybe phone calls.
You’ve already had the chat about photos of herself etc so I would just continue to monitor her chats (incase she does decide to meet him).

THIS!