How can I protect my children while co-parenting with an abusive ex

[Sunshine231]

How do you raise good human beings when you are co parenting with an abusive man? I recently separated from my kids dad. He is still really aggressive in front of the kids when we do hand overs. Tonight for example he had picked up one kid from school and took them to the shop before bringing back to me. Our child came home in floods of tears saying his dad had been shouting at him in the shop. My ex became instantly abusive calling our son a prck and telling me to shut the fck up multiple times so that our toddler started repeating it. This is not a one off behaviour. The kids have been dysregulated all evening and I’m now sat in tears because I feel like I am still failing them even after leaving the relationship. How can I expect my kids to be decent people when they witness their dad being aggressive all the time? I don’t know how to mitigate his awful behaviour to protect them 😣

@Sunshine231 Is the 50/50 court ordered?

No but he is on the birth certificate. We were not married though

It is not court ordered.
Stop contsct.
He goes to court.diary of his behaviours
Speak to safeguarding lead at school tell them

Stop contact wait till he takes you to court. Document everything he does with proof

I made the huge mistake of not cutting contact. Document all this. Get the names of the people working in the shop, let him take you to court and let the judge decide. Protect those babies as this will get worse until there is mandated protection in place. Better doing this when they’re young, fight for them now it’ll be easier long term x

It was in Sainsbury’s so I don’t know that staff would have necessary seen anything 😣 he was shouting when he brought him back home so I know what he will have been like, I just feel so sad for the kids and everything they have been through and he’s still behaving this way. Uses adhd as an excuse to be abusive but I know plenty of people who have adhd and aren’t abusing the mother of their kids

Stop all contact and let him take you to court for access. Document every incidence of abusive behaviour so far and the effect it is having on your children. Don't take this lying down - you have a responsibility to do everything you can to safeguard yourself and your children.

How old are the dc ?

I wouldn’t stop contact entirely as you don’t want to be accused of parental alienation,
I would offer supervised contact only and please can he suggest times and places and you’ll drop them off for visits every other weekend at a contact centre. He will then definitely take you to family court. It will be your word against his sadly,
do you have any other proof of this? Or records? Eg diaries you’ve kept, texts when you’ve got friends what has happened?

Make sure you collect them with someone else with you.
I would sess contact
Call a lawyer
Talk to the kids

Get a door camera doorbell now to record anything that happens on your doorstep. Download a co-parenting app so all communication is through that. OurFamilyWizard is recommended by UK judges and the messages can be shared with the court to show his behaviour. Download that today before you message him about stopping contact.

Keep a detailed diary of events that have occurred and inform the school of what happened because they can support your child. My son's school had a trained counsellor who helped children process emotions like grief so that can be parents separating or divorcing and they can help them navigate their feelings.

Initially, call child protective services and log your concerns, ask them to do a safeguarding review and then take their advice.

After this, he might take you to family courts to change things - especially if they advise supervised contact, make sure you have everything documented, and I mean everything. Look up your legal rights and what is considered evidence in family court. I have over 5000 pages of documentation on my laptop, which is a period of 8 years. WhatsApp messages, log phone calls with quotes, log incidents raised by the children, pictures, etc.

Your children will be ok, I know at the moment it all feels too much, and maybe they won’t be.. but I promise, you’re doing the right things.

Get legal advice and document everything. There's no way the children should be with him 50/50.

Stop contact until he brings you to court. I did that with mine. It was an eye opener when he never applied for contact through the court. He doesn't see them at all now and it definitely worked out for the best. Talk to your solicitor too

What is to stop him just coming round my house demanding to see them though? I don’t really want to be scared in my own home and I also don’t want the kids seeing him kicking off again. Also I’m afraid he could just pick them up from school and take them and then refuse to let me have them back. He has parental responsibility so can the school really refuse to let him pick them up? And the police would not be able to do anything if he did 😣

Again how old are get dc ?
You need to apply to the court for a Lives With order..

OP I’m not sure if you’ve seen my previous response. I hope you have as what you’ve described here is very likely to happen if you stop all contact, and no, without a court order the school cannot refuse to let him collect the children.

You need to get all professional services on side and go through the motions, but I won’t repeat my previous response as it’s only a few posts down. X

Thank you so much for your reply, I have seen it now. I will contact children’s services today as a starting point

They are 5 and 2

In my experience nothing can stop an ex like that. My ex (DD’s dad) was abusive, we went to court , had Cafcass involvement, police reports etc. Made no difference and didn’t stop him. He was doing it to hurt me and didn’t care he was hurting his child ( not physically) to get to me.

So sorry you are in this position op. You have been given excellent advice by people that have been through this and come out the other side.

Don't make the mistake I did of trying to appease and manage your ex's behaviour to avoid a big blow up and confrontation. You need the big blow up. Dragging it out only damages the dc (and yourself) even more. Your ex knows you want to protect the children and will use that against you to abuse you and them even further. Its fucking hard, scary, and unthinkable at first but its so much better to get the ground rules in place from the start.

Seek professional advice, follow the steps, ring the police if he shows up banging on the door. Tell everyone that you can trust exactly what is going on as you will need their support.

@StarCourt Absolutely that and same here.

If you can record him ( without endangering yourself ) it’s really useful evidence. If he’s at the door banging on it and shouting etc then try and record on your phone if you don’t have a ring doorbell You don’t need the images if the sound is enabled. Obviously don’t hold the phone up to his face or tell him you’re recording. Don’t get drawn into any arguments or impossible debates ( trying to prove a negative for example ). Just say you want a formal arrangement for the sake of the children. This can be useful evidence for children’s social care or police when he tries to claim that you’re fabricating/ exaggerating. Guaranteed if you do a single solitary thing like lay a finger on him he’ll be straight to the police reporting assault - that sort always do.

@Divebar2021 Evidence which is often not permissible to be used or court at best; at worst allegations from the accused that she was "goading" him unfortunately. Courts don't like "undercover" filming as a general rule.

Legal and Court Risks

• Admissibility Barriers: In places like the UK, secret recordings are considered hearsay and are not automatically allowed in family courts. You must formally apply for a judge's permission to use them.
• It Can Backfire: Judges are highly suspicious of covert recordings. Because you know you are recording and your ex does not, courts often view the audio as manipulated or provoked by you.

You need legal and professional DV advice. Dont try to wing this yourself. Rights of Women, Refuge or Women’s Aid can help.

I’m very sorry you and your kids are going through this. You did a brave thing by getting out.