Struggling with my 14-year-old son after he chose to live with dad

[FortyandFemale]

Need some advice, my son (14) decided about 2 years ago he wanted to live with his dad (who btw is a total narcissist) and to only come to me on the weekends. As time has gone on it’s now every other weekend & he does make lots of excuses as to why he doesn’t want to come sometimes.

I remarried & have 2 kids.
I found this set up very hard from the beginning as I was the default parent & felt he wasn’t as well looked after when at his dads but I knew he loved being there as they buy him what he wants & there’s no real rules or expectations from him so I let him and didn’t cause a fuss.

The issue I have is how selfish he is towards me. He doesn’t seem to appreciate anything I do for him and he’s very unsociable with me and his younger siblings- he just spends all weekend on his phone and gives me attitude if I ask him to have a break for while even though he spends 90% of his day on his damn phone, he never says thank you for anything I do nor does he offer to help with anything either.

I feel like as he doesn’t live with me his dad and him make me feel like I don’t get any input or have the right to make decisions about his every day life but yet I’m good enough for him to come to when he wants money or anything new.
Im drained and upset and frustrated that this is our relationship and this 14 year old lad was once a tiny baby who relied on me for everything & loved me :(

You remarried and had two more children. He had no input in this huge change in his life, it was obviously going to affect him.

How does/did he get on with your husband and your younger children?

This sounds so tough op. Remember that at 14 lots of teenagers are hormonal and difficult. He has clearly had some upheaval in his life and I am no way suggesting you are to blame for having a new relationship and children that will no doubt have played a part in his moving out and he will have complex feelings around all of this that he may not be mature enough to recognise or process. It is also very normal for teenagers to be a bit thoughtless, lazy and self absorbed.

Keep setting calm and consistent expectations whilst also trying to find some time to engage with him doing something he loves, just the two of you. For example, I have been known to go mountain biking with my ds, I have been to watch films I didn't want to see, watched a slightly older than his age box set with him as a grown up treat etc.

These breaches and difficulties in relationships with teenagers and young adults are really hard 💐

Whats the timeline? When did you split with his dad, how old was he, and when your partner moved in (or did you both move in with him?)

I think start from the point that a 14 year old boy is both still young and also maturing, developing. Is there anything at all that brings him joy that you might facilitate? Ds was mostly into his friends at that age and still is at 22 - could you have his friends over for a pizza /movie night, just be around them a bit? Apart from anything else it’s nice to have teenagers to the house who treat you well!!

He's a teenager. However his manners are not acceptable 'manners makeith a man'. No please or thank you, no get!
I'm afraid in my house I demand respect.

The previous poster had a point, he has two half siblings and it may have effected him.
He's at a difficult age and depending on the age of your other children he may feel left out.
My half brother is 8 years older than me and many years later he told me he felt he was an outsider to the new family. That's tough.

This is totally true.
Why would he want to spend time with kids he doesn't know, have a bond with each other and probably alot younger?
Do you do anything just the two of you?

This. It’s hugely unsettling for children, of course he wants to live with his dad where he’s the priority.

I don’t think deciding his dad is a narcissist is at all helpful, however bad your relationship got btw. You’re all human beings and your ex is half of your son.

Around this age kids start wanting to just stay in the one home. Shuttling between two is disruptive and unsettling - they just want to stay put where they have a routine and local friends etc. It's not you, it's just how it is (I work in a school and see this all the time).

thete is a a lot of information missing- when you split up, when you remarried and why he wanted to liven with his dad. You say “they” who is the they?

think you need to look inside yourself a bit here. His behaviour isn’t good but you can’t change him. What can you change and control to effect a change in him.

When did you split up with his dad?
when did you start your new relationship?
How old are your two younger kids?

@FortyandFemale my ds2 just turned 13. I used to be his favourite person- we played board games, chatted, laughed etc. Gradually he's "disappearing" from me turning towards friends. He lives ft with me and his dad. I would say this is normal for a teenager- friends are more important than family at this stage. If you add that you have moved on and had 2 more children with a different man I can absolutely understand that you feel like you "lost" him. One part is due to his age, the other part is due to your choices. Just keep on showing love and never say anything bad about his dad.

It must be devastating. 💐

But I think this is why, in circumstances where they have a choice of course, many women do decide to hang on in unhappy marriages in order to guarantee that they live full-time with their own children. It is not a popular approach on MN, given the prevailing argument for self-fulfilment, but I think that many women look around at the reality of ‘blended’ families or children moving between homes each week and decide that they just don’t want that for their children.

You formed an entirely new second family, surely that was always going to have an impact on him at some point?

He probably doesn’t want to live with you or stay as you remarried and have younger children. What do you do when he comes over? The bad manners need calling out though

Sorry was my son supposed to have an input in my adult life decisions?
I was single for 6 years and did and still do put him first. I can’t not live my life in case he doesn’t like it.

I do find it hard to connect with him. Like you say at his age it’s unfair to expect him to want to choose us over his friends. I have told him his friends can come over but it’s not happened yet. Since living with his dad he’s become very introvert, not the vibrant young lad I remember.

Yes you should consider the impact of your ‘adult life decisions’ on your son.

There was always a risk with remarrying and having more kids that he might not enjoy that or want to be part of it.

Can you recognise that to have you remarry and have more children might have a negative impact on him?

Also I split with his dad when he was 1.5years old he was abusive and co-parenting with him has been the worst experience. I struggled with my mental health which is why I think I struggled to enjoy parenting alone. My new partner moved in when he was 9 and he always made lots of effort with my son, I think he just doesn’t like him I can’t change that.

I do but probably not as much of an impact as staying with his narcissistic, emotionally and physically abusive father would have been.

lots of people have blended families, including myself. I appreciated my stepdad and new siblings and felt like part of the family. I can’t force him to want to be a part of my new family if he doesn’t want to? I just don’t understand how to move forward that’s all.

@FortyandFemale so you have prioritised your new partner over your son, ‘I can’t change that he doesn’t like him’.

So he’s been made to live with a man he doesn’t like, and now he’s also now living with two under 5s who no doubt dominate the rest of your time and attention.

Is it so surprising he went to live with his dad?

His dad also remarried and has a 2 year old daughter.

Prioritised how? I’m an adult who has found love and want a family unit with him included.
im sorry but you seem to just be attacking me for no reason. You don’t really know the full story but even if you did I think you’d still just have a one sided approach. Please don’t provide me with any more “advice” 🙄

I can’t see how you can find a solution if you don’t acknowledge the problem that you have created.

Well there you are then! You made your choices and DS is now feeling able to make his own choices, as he grows up.
There are plenty of divorced parents who dont remarry or even date until theirchildren have left home.

I think that you do absolutely have to take input from your existing kids before marrying and having more kids with someone else. Otherwise there's a huge chance it will mess up your relationship with your child later down the line when they are old enough to assert themselves.

At this point I think you need to just be somewhere nice for him to come to and not try and be involved in as many decisions if his dad and him don't want you to.
I think you have to accept that while you have the right to remarry and have a new relationship, it clearly wasn't in the best interests of your son and that is done now and you have to work on the dynamic and work on staying a positive person in his life and not someone that is just trying to assert some authority or control in his life anymore. I think the more you push now, the more he will stay away.
I hope you are able to get a good relationship back, but it's going to be be different at his age anyway.

Your DS doesn’t like your new husband, so at 12 years old he decided to leave. Poor lad. No man would ever take priority over my child. And now you have the consequences. It’s tough to hear, but he’s showing you how he feels, you don’t have that good relationship anymore. That’s on you.