Struggling with my 14-year-old son after he chose to live with dad

[FortyandFemale]

Need some advice, my son (14) decided about 2 years ago he wanted to live with his dad (who btw is a total narcissist) and to only come to me on the weekends. As time has gone on it’s now every other weekend & he does make lots of excuses as to why he doesn’t want to come sometimes.

I remarried & have 2 kids.
I found this set up very hard from the beginning as I was the default parent & felt he wasn’t as well looked after when at his dads but I knew he loved being there as they buy him what he wants & there’s no real rules or expectations from him so I let him and didn’t cause a fuss.

The issue I have is how selfish he is towards me. He doesn’t seem to appreciate anything I do for him and he’s very unsociable with me and his younger siblings- he just spends all weekend on his phone and gives me attitude if I ask him to have a break for while even though he spends 90% of his day on his damn phone, he never says thank you for anything I do nor does he offer to help with anything either.

I feel like as he doesn’t live with me his dad and him make me feel like I don’t get any input or have the right to make decisions about his every day life but yet I’m good enough for him to come to when he wants money or anything new.
Im drained and upset and frustrated that this is our relationship and this 14 year old lad was once a tiny baby who relied on me for everything & loved me :(

But you did prioritise your right to have a romantic relationship over your sons stability.
It's not an attack on you to say that.
I am remarried BTW and my eldest has a stepdad, and also his dad remarried too.
Im not against people doing that. I don't think people should be berated for moving on
You do have to accept that there are consequences sometimes though and that if the new partner and the existing child have a tricky dynamic then you have to manage that and be prepared to prioritise the child over the man.
It's all very well saying that he's the child and you are the adult, but there will come a time when they'll have choices and you have to accept that just like they had to accept yours.

Did you ever get to the root of why your son doesn't like your Dh? Perhaps when your son visits, you should spend some time alone with him, to rebuild the bonds. And also some time with him and the younger siblings - try to develop those connections so that the kids are excited to see him and hopefully that will eventually be reciprocated. Keep your new dh at a distance for now and focus on DS relationship with you and by extension, the children.
If you can, I'd invest in some family therapy for you and DS. Even if you have to go alone initially, the therapist might have some strategies for resolving this. I think it was wrong to remarry without your son being on board - he holds this against you more than he does his dad because you were the primary parent and he had higher expectations of you than he did of his dad. So dad's new partner and baby is easier to accept.
I think if you want to fix this there needs to be some acknowledgement in your part that mistakes were made and that you genuinely want to improve the relationship.

You married and had 2 dc with a man you knew your son didn’t like. It’s pretty inevitable this has now happened. He will feel replaced and ignored. He’s too young to understand your adult reasons for doing this

People have repeatedly told you what they think the problem is. You moved a man in he didn’t like and had two more children.
That’s it. You say he’s changed , teenagers do.
Maybe he likes his stepmother more than your husband?

OP you are going to get a bashing because there are many negative blended family stories on here (the 13 year old daughter springs to mind).
I posted up thread that my half brother never felt part of the new family (we were one of four) and I know from reading some of my DD's psychology text books older boys with new male siblings and step fathers have a particularly hard time. It is primitive but men seem to want sons and the order changes when they get one. Is that what happened and why your son moved to his biological dad's?
At 14 he's not going to want to play with the little ones but he does owe you basic good manners.
Whats done is done and he's got a lot of growing up to do.
Fwiw my sister met her second husband when her daughter was 9, the boy 13 and my nephew has never liked him. He left home at 18. There were no other children thank god as he's a miserable git. Her first husband was lovely but 'boring', her words not mine. We all loved him, still do and thank Christ for him.
Talk to your son. Accept you might have made poor decisions and try to provide a happy home especially if his father is an arse. You're the adult here.

I guess he probably likes his stepmother more than your DH. Consequences of choices. But is it not possible he's also on his phone all the time and being arsey at his dad's too? It's not exactly an unusual state of affairs for a 14 year old.

Um. Well yes. Most people I know wouldn’t force their child to live with an adult they don’t like. You have confirmed DS doesn’t like your new DP. It must have been awful for him when you chose to move him in anyway.

You are simply reaping what you sowed.

Does he help if asked to OP? I don't think it's unusual for 14 year olds not to volunteer.

Op, you replaced him (in his mind), he felt unloved and he chose to spend time at his dad's. Not a surprise.

And he's a teenager. Most of them spend all day on their phones.

I'm a single mum, I haven't remarried or had more dcs, my ds lives with me full time and we have a great relationship, but he still spends all day, if he isn't working, on his phone. That's normal. He can also be rude if I let him get away with it. Normal too. Teenagers can be horribly self centred.

Mine, soon to be 18, is just turning into a reasonable human being now. By the time he's 21 he'll be lovely. 😁

Grit your teeth, accept that he isn't interested in toddler half-siblings (why would he be?), call out his rudeness calmly and consistently, and give him time to grow out of it.

You are just going to have to accept his decision and work on repairing your relationship. I certainly wouldn't go around labelling his Dad as this or that either. Not going to do you any favours.

Mmm again I don't think a 14 year old boy not being interested in toddlers is unusual. He probably isn't very into his other 2 year old sibling either, but at least there's only one of her.

But you, very clearly, didn’t put him first.

that’s the point.

this whole paragraph is an oxymoron.

’i put him first by moving a man he doesn’t like in to his home.’

so, no, you didn’t put him first.

and now he doesn’t want to live there any more. Why would he?

We all have to accept that our choices have consequences.

You chose to move forward in your relationship with your partner despite your son not liking him. That has had a natural consequence on your relationship with your son.

Thats something you’ll just have to accept.

With regard to his siblings, lack of interest in toddlers is totally normal at his age.

Do you make time to do things with your DS just the two of you?

It’s harsh but I’m not sure what advice people could possibly give you if you think moving a man in he didn’t like is a reasonable thing to do.

Simply put, yes, you should have. Children have no say in these huge decisons, despite being the most impacted by them There are many men. You could have waited to find one your son liked, and you chose not to.

There are many types of step parents and blended families Some get their feet under the table, expect the existing children to 'get on with it' and prioritise their blood family. While their own parent turns a blind eye in the pursuit of their own happiness and a 'fresh start'. A slow, painful othering and rejection, that hurts children so much because they can never point to the concrete poor treatment, but they can feel it.

On the other hand some parents and step parents really go out of their way to put existing children first. They wait longer before remarrying and having more children. The step parent can go out of their way to make sure the older dc feel included and give them somewhere secure and loving to call home.

Given your defensive reaction, and your own son's preference, it seems your ex and his stepmum are providing the latter.