visiting new baby

[FancyTaupeSloth]

I'm a very excited new grandparent, my son and Dil has their first baby boy on Thursday. We've been expecting an invite to visit since then. They are now home and have said we should get to see the baby before Christmas.

I'm actually really upset about this but wondered if I'm being unreasonable and this is now recommended for new parents? I remember being inundated with visitors for the first few days!

What do you new parents think?

YABU, you don’t know physically but also mentally how the mum is and she may just not be up to too many visitors, a first baby for a couple is such a shock

I'd say leave them be and they will invite you as soon as they're ready. It can all feel a bit overwhelming as they are literally in and out of hospital now. Your Dil is likely to feel absolutely shattered, day 4 tends to be when new mums emotions go haywire and she may just want her own mum around on just to be them. Plus, factor in all the stuff about it being flu season etc and she probably doesn't want a flow of visitors right now.

You’re being a bit much here really although I understand to comes from a good, excited place. They’ve said you can meet baby before Christmas, well Christmas is only three days away and baby will still be under a week old, so it’s not like they’re making you wait long! Hold your horses. It’s nothing to do with recommendations now, just about what they’re comfortable with and I suggest you respect that, and them, to help with a harmonious relationship going forward!

Christmas is only in a few days. It’s perfectly reasonable for them to want a few days or even a few weeks to settle in before allowing visitors.

Hmmm - how far away do you live? Im
Thinking if it's hours away they might be expecting you to stay for hours to make it worth your while and I can get why they wouldn't want that. If you're down the road I think that's a bit off. If it was me I'd want you there so you could tidy my house which is what grandparents always offer to do!

I think this is fine!! It was only on Thursday. I hated having everyone round when I was trying to feed, I was sore/swollen and bleeding and exhausted and crying. I wish I’d set some boundaries.

hopefully in the next couple of days they’ll feel up to it. But I advise not styling too long, don’t go if you’re feeling a bit unwell etc.

Congratulations!!

Leave them to settle. You will see baby soon!

Some people want everyone they know to come and see the baby the second they are born. Other people want space with their baby and don't feel ready to be around others yet. Neither are right or wrong, but ultimately it's up to the new parents (mostly Mum as the one who has just given birth) to choose what feels right for them. Everyone else just needs to accept what works for the new Mum.

Christmas is only a few days away, I really genuinely don’t see the issue. I mean, I get that you're excited but they haven’t said you’ll see him by summer!

They’ve only just had a baby! It’s peak flu season, especially with this horrible one going around.

She might have had a tough birth, they might just want a few days to get comfortable as their own little family before the crowds descend.

What exactly are you upset about?

I think it’s hard to tell if yabu with limited info. For example, if her family had been but not you I would say YANBU. Context matters.

When you were inundated with visitors, did you enjoy that? Some people are better at keeping boundaries.

For what it’s worth, i reckon the rule of thumb is that people can only come in the first two weeks if they would happily make their own cup of tea in your kitchen. If you aren’t comfortable to do that (or the equivalent) then they will have to “host” and now is not the time for that.

Congratulations on your new grandchild and enjoy those snuggles when you do get them which won’t be long!

Obviously everyone is different, but how did you feel being inundated with visitors in the first few days? Did you enjoy it?

I had my second baby earlier this year and I spent the first few days (weeks!) sweating, bleeding, leaking milk, exhausted etc. I looked and felt like shit! Mentally I was ok but many aren’t. I saw DH’s parents about a week later out of duty. Breastfeeding was straightforward for me , luckily, but I left the room to try and feed baby as I just didn’t feel comfortable getting my boobs out in front of visitors. For many women who choose to breastfeed it will be difficult and extra time consuming (and stressful!) trying to latch etc. So that can be another reason they want to stay in their newborn bubble a few days longer.

congratulations on your grandbaby

the baby is only 4 days old! It’s not like it’s been months already!!

I really liked seeing friends with my new dc. I felt like they cared. I don’t like shooing people away. They only need a cup of tea and DH can do that. If you need to feed they understand. It’s no big deal seeing grandma and a bit standoffish but yes, @FancyTaupeSloth it’s the world we live in now. When they want you to babysit they might want you to drop everything. Works both ways I think! My DM came and stayed with us and a new baby isn’t that hard or no one would do it!

We are only half an hour away. I feel we are pretty close and i would absolutely make my own tea and not outstay my welcome.
I completely respect their wanting to get settled and shouldn't have presumed they would want me over.
Bit sad to be a mum of boys tonight as I'll always be worried about being a nightmare MIL 😂

Her family aren't nearby at all so won't be visiting for a while. I'll respect their wishes, was just looking for feedback which has been very helpful, I feel like it's very normal to want some visitor free time.

I was absolutely on cloud 9 after my births and have really fond memories of a house full of visitors but I did have easy deliveries so appreciate not everyone feels like that !

oh god, I'd never make a fuss! I think I'm usually really rational and have always encouraged my son to follow his own path. It's been helpful to hear people's opinions.

Your feelings are totally fair enough (fellow mum of boys) but I don’t think this means anything about how involved they will want you to be in future, they might just be recovering.

Thank you!

Mum and baby come first. Echoing pps, there is no right or wrong as every mother and father have their own approach. As a community midwife though I see first hand how many mums feel, especially in those first two weeks and it can be incredibly overwhelming. Many people understsimate what a mother has gone through and many times it's all baby baby baby. It sounds self explanatory but our jobs would be easier if people took a second to priortise mum and her baby as a set with intertwining needs. Derailed there but please, and I'm not saying you are, don't make this about your needs as a grandmother.

Fair enough. I can assure you I have put them under no pressure at all and it's been helpful to hear people's opinions, it's put my emotions in check a bit 😀

Don’t be weird or pushy now or you’ll really ruin relationship with them. They’ve said ‘before Xmas’ so that’s great, what would you gain by coming 1-3 days earlier? offer to take them round some food that they can reheat for Xmas eve/day and you’ll do a supermarket and chemist trip on the way for them so send a list. And ask them what time of day would be more helpful for you to pop by. Ask specifically how DIL is doing and does she need anything.

I agree with this. Mum might be like me with unwashed hair, crying and boobs that were out all the time with bleeding and black raw nipple trauma nipples that needed treatment and became mastisis, while my child had jaundice and wasn’t feeding well. Having to ‘host’ is an unbearable thought at that point, if her own mum comes sooner it’s to look after her own baby not to meet the new one.

Mum might also have some painful birth complications eg a catheter that she wants and needs privacy managing