visiting new baby

[FancyTaupeSloth]

I'm a very excited new grandparent, my son and Dil has their first baby boy on Thursday. We've been expecting an invite to visit since then. They are now home and have said we should get to see the baby before Christmas.

I'm actually really upset about this but wondered if I'm being unreasonable and this is now recommended for new parents? I remember being inundated with visitors for the first few days!

What do you new parents think?

@UnexpectedlysinglemumYes but some of us are just grand! We like to see people! Others minding baby gives a new num some time to herself. Wonderful gift in my view.

Yes, we know – everyone's different. In this case though it seems like mum would like some more time before having visitors hence the message. It's not personal towards a grandmother, whether she's the maternal or paternal grandmother. Only saying that the mum knows whether she would like people to see her and the baby now or wait a while. Anyway, seeing the baby at Christmas tops the gift list OP. Congratulations.

I had my baby on Tuesday. We only saw grandparents today and no other visitors. Ive had an awful traumatising week. I can't handle visitors. They understand and everyone else does aswell.

Sorry I shouldn't have said dont make this about your needs as it sounded a little abrupt. I meant it in a "it's not personal"way but should vae checked that. I think it's comforting to know they trust you and feel able to communicate about visits. Congratulations on the new addition to your family 😊

I've read these type of replies on MN in recent months, but that certainly isn't my experience in my real life.

I'm fairly close to parents of about 6 babies born in the last year and all of them welcomed parents on the first day (for local parents) or next day (for parents who needed to travel), and then other close family straight afterwards.

Thinking back to when I had mine, it was lovely to have the support of immediate family in those first few days, when it was a struggle to move. Someone else to make a cuppa / put a wash in / bring a meal round / wind the baby / even just hold the baby whilst I had a shower and dh was trying to get things done in the house.

I'd feel very upset if my dc didn't want to share such a special time with us, and didn't let us support them when it can be quite overwhelming.

I had my daughter in 2020 so my parents saw her first at 3 weeks for one afternoon then not again until 17 weeks.
My in-laws visited for 3 days at 4 weeks and not again until 17 weeks when we moved in with them for 3 weeks for support.

We had my son in September, my parents saw him for half an hour on day 2 when we came home from hospital but only as they had taken my daughter to her swimming lesson and we had picked up a take away on our way back from the hospital. Once they had eaten they left. They came again on day 7 to see us and take my daughter to another club. My pil came for 4 days from day 9.
Since the my parents see us most weeks twice for an hour or so as they are doing child care (they are 30 minutes away) and for Sunday lunch 1-2 times a month. My pil have been coming up for 3-4 days every 2-4 weeks they are 4-5h away.

I was in the hospital for 3 days with my first and 2 days with my second. For me, the days I've really not wanted to see anyone has been days 3-7. Once the newborn high fades and Its when I felt the most vulnerable, mood changes with hormones, discomfort with my milk coming in, lack of sleep catching up, adrenaline dropping, feeling that time is no longer my own and unsure about midwife visits and so on. Once I got into the second week and i am more comfortable in my new skin I have been happy to see people in my home.

That's interesting, I had sort of expected to go on the first day which is why I'm feeling rather disappointed. There is a big age difference in my children and my eldest son made quite a long journey to visit his baby brother when he was born, it was such a special time and I'd love to be helping, even if just in the background washing up!

sorry to hear that! hope everything goes smoothly from now on.

We had the ILs in the hospital as soon a normal visiting hours for a quick visit started then soon afterwards, if I was not in a state to have visitors I would have been in bed and DH could have shown his parents our baby he didn't need me there

I'd be desperately excited to see a new baby too, OP. From the mums POV though, I fully understand wanting some space. My sibling visited the next day, and my parents 3 days after. I felt obliged and didn't really know what I was doing as I was delirious on less than 10 hours sleep over 5 days (3 day labour and then baby didn't sleep).

Could you ask for a picture? Maybe send a text saying if there's anything they'd like you to drop off, or help out for a short time, then you're available for whatever they need. The hardest thing for me was making plans as we didn't have a schedule yet, so let them know you can pop over at short notice and you understand if they want to boot you out - she needs to sleep when baby gives her the chance! I wish my family would've made me a cup of tea instead of me worrying about looking after them and the baby whilst my head was still spinning.

Can’t believe the responses! It is her grandchild- not a distant friend or relative! Why does she need a formal invite? Crazy!

I am now estranged from a close family member, who I helped to bring up, after expressing a wish to see their new baby. This was 7 or 8 weeks after the baby was born.

The family member and their partner were struggling hugely with new parenthood and did not want any of the older generation to be involved in any way

Unfortunately the stress they were experiencing led the relative to say some truly terrible things - the only thing I can compare it to is the time when I was physically beaten up as a 17 year old. So I had to retreat and in the months since then they felt unable to 'reach out'.

The relationship breakdown has been complete.

I presume when they want childcare the invitation will be formal

Yes YABU but totally understand it's because you are excited

As others have said hear the first couple of weeks can be brutal with severe lack of sleep and getting used to breastfeeding etc especially for first time parents

Out baby had tongue tie and jaundice and we were up all night the first few days, plus the hormone crash and your body healing

We had loads of family that wanted to come over and it seemed like a constant stream of guests every day plus midwives coming etc

We had to have boundaries and decide when to invite people over

I can fully understand you feeling impatient to see the new baby. Traditionally a woman would have had her village of women to support her post birth, so it is only recently that has changed to the father supporting. Congratulations and well done for waiting and not putting any pressure on them.

Congratulations on your new grandchild! Speaking as a mum who spent a week in hospital with her 2 week old last month thanks to the common cold virus spreading to his chest, whatever their reasons, I think they are being very sensible given the time of year and amount of germs going round. You have a lifetime of cuddles ahead, no rush now when they’re so delicate.

So you’d just turn up?!

I think it depends on the visitor. When we had family visit they didn’t help. They wanted to cuddle th baby and pass it around. We had to make the drinks and felt like we had to “entertain”. So it’s probably also family dependent

I respect people who are able to put in that boundary, with my first I had 9 people visiting within 2 hours of birth! I was still drugged up and realised after they left that I hadn’t even showered yet! I was trying to breastfeed and found it really uncomfortable in front of anyone except my own mum (being new it was still at the get the whole boob out phase!).

remember these first few days really don’t matter in your long term relationship, but it’s been 5 days so I don’t think it would be unreasonable to get in touch and ask if you can pop through for 5 mins and say hi but not outstay your welcome!