Not fully awake to care for baby: help

[Pessimist]

I'm a bit frightened to post this but tonight I forgot to wake my 3-week-old for her feed. I've been setting 3-hourly alarms (she's formula fed), and tonight I woke up 6 hours after her last feed to find she was in my bed. I don't remember putting her there, I can't believe I've put here up, in such danger. I'm a very heavy sleeper and very conscious of SIDS. My husband work night shifts and I don't have family nearby so it's just me in the night.

I'm beside myself. Short of necking coffees all night, I don't know what to do. 3 weeks ago she wouldn't sleep at all. I can't believe I've done this. I could have suffocated her. The bed wasn't clear.

She's ok, that's the main thing! I think a lot of parents will have woken up still holding a baby after a feed, or something similar. It's gut wrenching because as you say, it could have been really dangerous for the baby, but thankfully nothing happened.

Is there any way you could feel more awake for feeds? Put the light on, watch a comedy show on your phone, don't sit too comfortably. I even found myself biting (not too hard!) on my tongue or sticking a fingernail into another finger to stay alert. Can anyone help you get more sleep?

I know the midwives say wake every 3 hours but that’s clearly not safe for you. Is baby gaining weight? Is there a medical reason to wake every 3 hours? I must confess I’ve never woken a sleeping baby and my now 10 week old has always slept more than 3 hours at a time at night. If baby is otherwise healthy I would consider letting you both sleep longer so that accidents don’t happen.

And don’t beat yourself up! We’ve all done something by accident which hasn’t been great for our babies. I remember I once accidentally banged my eldest’s head on a door frame carrying her and she once also rolled off the bed onto a hard wooden floor because I didn’t realise she could roll! Just think about how you’re going to prevent it happening again.

I can stay awake while feeding her, it's just that I must have picked her up and fallen asleep instantly so she ended up here with me. I'm so angry with myself. I've caught up with a lot of sleep over the weekend while DH was off - I don't feel sleep deprived. ☹️

Look up the Lullaby Trust and safe sleeping seven OP. Cosleeping isn’t unsafe if done properly.

Thanks - but I wasn't conscious when I brought her into the bed so I don't know how the safe 7 could have made it safer. I didn't do a risk assessment of the covers or anything because I wasn't fully awake. Unless I go to bed without pillows or duvet?

Can you let her sleep longer between feeds, so that you get more sleep?

I always thought ff babies didn't need feeding as often, but I bf so I'm not 100% sure of the guidelines.

It sounds like you need more rest OP.

Do you need to wake her every three hours? At her age she's fine to go longer between feeds unless she's underweight.

OP if she is back at birth weight and maintaining that well without any concerns then you do not need to wake three hourly- you can feed her as needed overnight (three hourly in the day)

the best advice I can give you is to make yourself uncomfortable when you’ve got her in arms- I.e don’t have duvet on you making you warm and cosy- you can have it back once she’s in the cot again: this way you’re awake and conscious enough to know where she is. You’re unlikely to lie down and fall asleep with her if chilly.

look into safe cosleeping practice so that even if it happens again accidentally, the space is as safe as humanely possible.

im sorry you’re so shaken and im glad she’s ok. You’re doing the best you can 💐

I’m on baby number 4 and agree with the posters above. Unless you have been told for jaundice or weight gain issues that she needs to be woken up then leave her to sleep. Babies wake up when they are hungry and will not let you sleep on. If she fell asleep quickly before you even had time to be fully awake then she didn’t need the feed. My first baby was sleeping through the night (11-7) at 7 weeks old. I wouldn’t have dreamt of waking her. Now I’m #4 who didn’t quite get the sleep memo the other three got and has nearly broken me those first 8 weeks I still don’t feel caught up!

Why are you waking her? I’ve formula fed 2 babies and it’s usually only done until they regain their birthweight and/or if there’s a specific medical need like newborn jaundice that means they need to feed more. If she’s healthy and gaining weight then at 3 weeks you can stop and let her wake naturally. Then you won’t be so knackered! Also, perhaps consider feeding in a chair from now on and not in bed so it’s not as easy to fall asleep.

I set up the bed in case, so removing excess pillows, blankets.

I found keeping a chocolate bar next to my bed and when she needed a feed id quickly chew on a piece of chocolate..that was the only thing that worked to wake me up enough. My LO never slept well (still doesn’t) After long enough, ive acclimatised a bit better to chronic sleep deprivation 😅

Also as previous posters have said, I don't think you need to wake every few hours once they've hit birth weight

Everyone told me she needed to eat 8 times a day, and during the day she feeds every 2,5ish hours but at night she would miss a feed and I need to boil the kettle for her formula and wait for it to cool down. This takes a bit of time so set an alarm to make sure it's ready when she needs it.

I don't feed her in the bed - I go to the kitchen and do it on the kitchen table. But I seem to have picked her up in the night and put her in my bed. I have no memory of doing this and am very uncomfortable with the idea of go-sleeping but I don't know how to stop this if it's in my sleep. I can't make go-sleeping safer if I'm not even awake to move the covers out of the way. She's formula fed so I can't just nurse her.

So you’re waiting half an hour each time to make up a feed? Each feed must be taking you an hour no wonder you’re exhausted. This is completely unnecessary. If she’s feeding every 2.5 hours in the day then just add half an once or so to her feeds in the day so she can miss a night feed when she’s sleeping and still eat the same amount overall each day. You also don’t need to make up every feed fresh you can make some at bedtime and keep in the fridge then warm them through. Or if you want to be stricter about it and make the feed fresh then use thermos flasks, one of boiling water to dissolve the powder and then once of cooled boiled water to top up to the total amount.

and yes make your bed safe for cosleeping just in case but if you stop spending an hour every feed then you won’t be as tired overall.

It's scary but as a previous poster said I think it happens more than many think.

My advice would be stop waking her every 3 hours, she will let you know when she is hungry. 😊

Also try introducing some bottles of ready made room temperature milk to her feeds. If she will take these then it is a life saver to use ready made formula during the night. No more up and down boiling and cooling etc.

Also remember this phase is short lived and noone gets it right 100% of the time.

You don’t need to set an alarm to feed a 3 week old baby with no weight issues.

Jeez, don't wake her if you don't need to and she's generally feeding well.

I don’t think anyone can really answer about what happened with you getting her into your bed, but there’s two bits of advice I think would help

Stop waking her up for feeds if she’s a healthy weight. She’ll let you know when she’s hungry.

Get a perfect prep machine. We did the whole boiling kettle and cooling down thing initially but you’re basically just losing sleep for no reason. The PP machines are great if you maintain them properly.

Was it a midwife that said 8 times a day? Unless there’s something else going on like jaundice or baby is underweight that literally only applies to the initial newborn period and you don’t keep doing it indefinitely. Stopping when baby has regained their birthweight is normal. With my second I actually stopped on day 3, with the midwife’s ok, because he didn’t actually lose any weight post birth. With my first we did 2 weeks because of jaundice and the HV confirmed it cleared and then said to let her wake naturally from then on and we got lovely 6 hour stretches!

Also get a rapid cool, prep machine or use ready made overnight. It’s insane you’re making bottles from scratch with the kettle in the middle of the night. Doing that every 3 hours, waiting for it to cool, then the time it takes baby to feed- no wonder you’re dangerously knackered, you must only be getting snippets of sleep in between.

Unless there are feeding or weight issues you do not need to be getting up every 3 hours to feed her, she will soon let you know when she is hungry!

Also if money allows premade formula is a god send for them night feeds.

I never wake a sleeping baby unless they haven't yet regained their birth weight.

Start co sleeping and follow the safe 7.

This happened to me and I ended up cosleeping as a result. I thought that if there was a risk of it happening without me being in control of it or realising, then it would be much safer for me to plan it and set it up safely so I did everything according to the Lullaby Trust and La Leche League (I got their book on co-sleeping which was great), slept in the C-curl position round her, removed all blankets, etc. Knowing that she was there meant that I naturally slept not as deeply and was more aware of her movements, etc which felt much safer than the times I woke up not remembering how she ended up in my bed or even knowing that she was there.

Don’t wake her up if her weight is fine and she feeds fine during the day.

Can you put her crib further away from you, or even put her in her own room? Would be much safer than accidentally having her in your bed and the walk to her would hopefully wake you up.

Also I would definitely recommend the perfect prep machine it made life so much easier, if you don’t want to use this then there’s the nuby rapid cool or even pre made formula.

I used ready made formula overnight. It’s a more expensive way of doing things but was a godsend in the early weeks. You can get small bottles and just open them as needed. They last 2 days in the fridge once opened. Both my babies were happy drinking them fresh from the fridge which made it even easier.

That’s what you need to work on. You shouldn’t be so tired you’re not knowing where you’re putting her if she’s only up every 3 hours for a feed, but you are getting up half an hour before and going down to make a bottle multiple times a night. You’re making it so much harder for yourself than it needs to be to be. Get a prep machine and put it in your room, it’ll make a perfect temperature bottle in 2 mins when your baby wakes. Then you can just leave her to sleep until she wakes and make the bottle when she wants one.