Not fully awake to care for baby: help

[Pessimist]

I'm a bit frightened to post this but tonight I forgot to wake my 3-week-old for her feed. I've been setting 3-hourly alarms (she's formula fed), and tonight I woke up 6 hours after her last feed to find she was in my bed. I don't remember putting her there, I can't believe I've put here up, in such danger. I'm a very heavy sleeper and very conscious of SIDS. My husband work night shifts and I don't have family nearby so it's just me in the night.

I'm beside myself. Short of necking coffees all night, I don't know what to do. 3 weeks ago she wouldn't sleep at all. I can't believe I've done this. I could have suffocated her. The bed wasn't clear.

I find it crackers to wake a sleeping baby, how exhausting for you both. If she’s hungry she will wake.
I used to make a couple of bottles up with boiled cooled water in the evening then pop them in the fridge then when I went to feed I’d warm the water by sitting it in boiling water or a in the microwave (just make sure you only heat the water not the formula and give it a good shake to disperse any hot spots) then added the formula powder to the warmed sterile water.
you’re being mega hard on yourself. I know it’s a fright but she’s ok. Waking in the night unnecessarily seems a sure way of making you sleep deprived, don’t underestimate how much sleep you can feel you need when looking after a newborn!
x

I took the liberty of getting an AI summary of the advice given to you so far. I remember being so sleep deprived I couldn’t get my head round all the advice at once and didn’t know where to start!

Here's a summary of the advice given to OP:

• Stop waking baby every 3 hours – Unless there are specific medical concerns like weight gain issues, OP doesn’t need to wake the baby for feeds. If baby is healthy and gaining weight, it’s okay to let her sleep longer stretches at night.
• Cosleeping advice – If OP is worried about accidentally cosleeping, the key is to make the sleep space safe. This includes removing blankets, pillows, and ensuring the baby sleeps in a safe position (such as the "C-curl" position). The Lullaby Trust’s Safe Sleeping guidelines are recommended for cosleeping.
• Formula feeding tips – Use ready-made formula or a Perfect Prep machine for night feeds to avoid the hassle of boiling and cooling water, which contributes to sleep deprivation. Alternatively, a rapid cool or thermos flask system can speed up feed preparation.
• Improve alertness during feeds – To stay awake and prevent accidentally falling asleep with baby in bed, OP could make the feeding area uncomfortable (e.g., avoid cozying up with blankets) or use methods like chewing chocolate or light stimulation to stay alert.
• Don’t feel guilty – Many parents have unintentionally made similar mistakes. The focus should be on learning from it and making changes to prevent it in the future, rather than self-blame.
• Safe sleeping for baby – If accidental cosleeping happens, OP should ensure the bed is as safe as possible by removing hazards and using appropriate sleeping positions to reduce risks.
• Sleep management – To prevent exhaustion, OP should focus on sleep efficiency. Allow the baby to sleep longer stretches, and avoid unnecessary disruptions during the night.
• Consider professional guidance – If still unsure, OP could reach out to healthcare professionals to ensure the feeding and sleep routines are on track for their baby’s age and health.

In short: Let the baby sleep longer at night, make the feeding process more efficient, improve sleep safety, and avoid unnecessary guilt.

Don’t beat yourself up. This happened to me a couple of times, I know how awful/guilty it makes you feel. Sleep deprivation is terrible. Agree with other posters though, generally, if baby is putting on weight and above 2.72kg then you can let them lead when they are fed at night, hopefully catch some more sleep for yourself that way. My daughter was low birthweight and had prolonged jaundice so I had to do the 3 hour feeding, when, at 6 weeks, the midwives said I could go a bit longer without feeding her it was the best thing I had ever heard!

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I don't actually feed in the bed, I always take her downstairs because I have to boil kettle etc. for the formula. I just picked her up and put her in my bed without realising it ☹️

You need help. People want to help. Everyone loves babies and its very unsafe for your little one.

Have someone do half the night (eg 7pm to 3am) for a few nights at least eg an old collegue, friend, neighbour, family member.

I can imagine this happens to many new mothers. I agree with those saying do what you can do of the safe sleep 7. Although as you say, it was unforseen.

My midwife told me I could stop waking my baby to feed once he regained his birth weight. If you're worried, maybe go to an alarm every 4-5 hours so you're getting slightly more sleep. Or at least give yourself a longer stretch earlier in the night.

You don’t need to wake her every 3 hours for feeds unless advised on medical grounds. If she is healthy and gaining weight then she will let you know she is hungry. Feed on demand.

Also you can premake the overnight bottle, quick cool it and store at the back of the fridge, I know ideally you should make each feed fresh but even WHO acknowledge this isn’t always practical and advise on how to prep and store. I used to make a couple up and bedtime for the night feed and the first morning feed so they were only in there for a relatively short time,

My babies woke me. I never woke them. If they need a feed they’ll let you know x

Stop and pause. 1/ you’re both ok and 2/ you did NOT put her in extreme danger. Parents are scare mongered so much that the anxiety is unreal.

The chances of SIDS are tiny and it’s about balancing risk. Sounds like your baby doesn’t need waking and it’s vital for you to get unbroken sleep.

Get out of bed this is what i used to do drink something cold whilst you are feeding her and then take her back to her bed, mine were prem and low birthweight so i had to wake them, but do you have to wake her?

Don’t wake her unless for medical need or under birth weight or prem, get a rapid cool they are a godsend cool boiled water in mins.
we all have had those moments I did with my youngest woke up with her slipped down the side of me on an chair.
i have my granddaughter a few nights a week she’s 10 weeks and I just do the rapid cool thing and move to the chair.

Don’t wake her up! If she’s sleeping leave her be get your rest. Unless she’s tiny and loosing weight then I really don’t agree with scheduled night feeds

Sorry i see you dont feed her in bed my apologies. Cold drink though.

There are loads of tips on this post for making up formula so you don't go mad! At the moment the risk from your sleep deprivation is far higher than the slight risk from not following formula rules.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5373824-help-a-knackered-ftm-formula-the-old-fashioned-way?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

I have never woken a baby up to feed - they let me know well and good when they were hungry!
But I have never EVER taken a baby into my bed to feed. It's dangerous. Both DH and I only ever fed in a slightly uncomfortable chair overnight where there was no risk of falling asleep. So I wouldn't beat yourself up for missing the feed, but yes for taking the baby into bed.

Don’t worry about tonight. You can sort this by getting better sleep.

Stop the 3 hourly feeds. Feed on demand. When she wakes crying in the night, feed her. Otherwise, sleep.

I wouldn’t be making bottles in the middle of the night right now either. Make them and cool them for the fridge and reheat in boiling water if you must (it will take 5 minutes). But I’d be using pre-made formula in a sterilised bottle at room temperature. You can bring it all upstairs with you when you go to bed. No running to the kitchen to make bottles. No wonder you’re tired. You need to be focussing on sleep.

While this might get me yelled at by some MNers. But my HV advised when my little boy was newborn and we formula fed. We made one a 8oz bottle before bed, stored it in the fridge, then we would decant from the 8oz into another bottle (whatever required oz baby is finishing) and placed the bottle into a jug of warm water for a minute. Bottle done. It was a life saver for us!
aside from that, you can buy the perfect prep machines. My HV said they aren’t nhs recommended but if cleaned correctly and regularly she saw no issues, and I’ve had many mum friends who have sworn by them! They often kept them on their room with them. Just a couple suggestions to help make your life easier if your comfortable with ether.

but also, I never woke our boy during the night for a feed, he would wake us when he wanted a feed - and he gained weight just fine! X

Actual.pre made formula is a great idea for night feeds., means your not faffing about you can feed the baby and go back to bed, i think there is a turn on and parents are. Going back to the "old way" of making bottles up, i don't know why advice changed,

Yes exactly that. Go to sleep fully setup to bed share even if you don’t start initially. So clear bed, no loose covers (it’s so warm at the moment just clothes should keep you warm) and sleep in the C curl if you do end up doing it. I know you said you don’t remember so just ensure that you’ve thought about it atleast. The problem with all of the advice post birth is that it sets women up to be sleep deprived as you’re meant to feed every 3 hours, so you’re never getting a good stretch, and then to top it off you’re meant to put them down in a cot constantly on their own, which they hate. Don’t beat yourself up, the system is at fault here. Definitely read up on safe bed sharing and go from there….

I coslept with both of mine til they were 6 months old. Removed all excess pillows- I had one teeny one. Had a single duvet for me and baby in a grobag