How many nights out a week is it reasonable for partner to have with 3-month-old baby

[RareRedLion]

We have a 3-month-old baby, both in our late 30s. He works away so for most of the week I am alone day and night. I find the evening the hardest when she is most unsettled and breaking away to pump is hard (I am triple feeding). This week my partner was away for 4 days and nights, the evening he returned he was jet lagged so I try to protect his rest as much as possible, last Saturday night he was out with friends. This Thursday and Friday night he wanted to be out but didn’t last minute (I think because he saw I was weary). This Saturday night he asked if I minded him going out, I said I’d find it much easier if he went out in the afternoon so I didn’t have to do the evening alone especially after 7pm. He went out at 3pm and didn’t get back until 10pm - baby just in bed and every bit g done, He denies that I asked for help from 7 and think this is still within the spirit of going out in the afternoon and back for the evening. He does do housework when he js back.

AIBU to be angry with him and how much socialising do most working away fathers of such a little baby get?

Per week!? None! One night out a month with a 3 month old is realistic. No more than that!

He works away all week? And then also goes out at the weekend? I’d say once a month max is reasonable, honestly less would be more so. When do you spend any time together or indeed when do you get any rest?

For nights out? I'd say once a month, but depends on if its a special occasion as could justify a couple. But once a week is taking the piss, multiple times a week and working away? Is he ever home?!

I agree, once a month tops. He's an adult with a family not a student who constantly needs to go out and "see his mates". My husband and I have quite separate social lives but when our kids were small, I wouldn't have put up with even once a week out, never mind 3!

He’s away 4 nights a week and you have a 3 month old. I’d expect him to be home unless it was a really special occasion. You need help and he should want to spend time with his partner and new baby.

Jeez - if he works away I’d expect him to prioritise being home, when he’s home. Aside from maybe a close friend’s birthday or something I wouldn’t expect him to be out at all to be honest.

He’s taking the piss. My husband rarely went out when we had newborns. You’re supposed to be a team.

It sounds like he doesnt really want to be a parent. I'm sorry, but he should be supporting you more. He is behaving like an irresponsible single man.

He's taking the piss. Start booking yourself a night out.

Give it a month or 2.
Hd will soon realise how exhausted you are!

None unless work that can’t be avoided

He is incredibly selfish and has his priorities all wrong.

He is taking the piss 100%. He is already away 4 nights in the week!! when do you get any downtime? I'd say no nights out with his mates (is he 19?) he only has 3 days at home and he should be at home. If you want to you should have one of those nights either out yourself or (more likely) a chance to sleep all night and have a lie in! I know he is working but he gets 4 nights to please himself when do you ever get that? Once you have kids your own 'wants' get shoved on the back burner- not just mums dads too!

He’s taking the piss. He can see how hard it is to look after a baby, and he clearly doesn’t want to help.
What a twat.

My husband didn’t have a night out until our daughter was at least 6 months old. And that’s not because I insisted on that, it’s because he wanted to be there with us, and to help me as much as possible with a little baby.

Your partner works away, you’d think he’d want to spend as much time at home as possible with you and the baby when he’s back. Does he not realise how exhausted you must be? His behaviour is selfish and really isn’t acceptable IMO.

Your life changes when you have a baby, and that’s the way it should be.

He should be taking paternity leave soon, yes?

This is part of the hurt too, not just that he does it but that he wants to

He should get the same amount of baby-free socialising time that you get.

My dh goes out twice a month for a club. He does two day shifts then two night shifts then off for 3 days. But that being said he does good when home. He cooks every meal when home and will watch the kids while I get a nap or a lie in.

But I don't have a fussy baby I'm lucky that she's a "good" baby. If you're feeling stressed and unsupported tell him exactly how you feel. Ask him to park it for a while till baby is more settled and you don't mind

None.

None. He's absolutely being ridiculous. 3 months is still absolutely tiny. Especially as he works away. He needs to reassess his priorities. You're absolutely being reasonable to be angry.

Just to add: men bond with their offspring by presence and physical touch, much like women do (although we are very wired to our children from the moment we feel them inside, if all goes well). My point is men need to be present and interact with the child for them to start bonding: it requires an effort.
The more away from his children a man gets, the harder will be for him to want to be with them.

Yes came to say once a month. And you get same.

None!! Tbh if he's refreshed enough for so many nights out then he's not doing enough for you or the baby.

We definitely weren’t having any nights out at that age! Dh went to a childfree wedding once for a night. Ours are 12 & 7 and we might each have a night out or away each month. Or several nights away every few months. It’s definitely not weekly. Those days of going out several nights a week are done when you become a parent.

I can’t even get my head around someone being away 4 nights a week and then wanting to be gone Fridays and Saturdays as well. He spends no time with his baby. Dh was pretty much running in the door and taking over at 5pm just from being gone since 8am. He must only see his child a few hours a week. How sad that drinking sounds like more of a priority.

Once a month tops.

You need time off too