How many nights out a week is it reasonable for partner to have with 3-month-old baby

[RareRedLion]

We have a 3-month-old baby, both in our late 30s. He works away so for most of the week I am alone day and night. I find the evening the hardest when she is most unsettled and breaking away to pump is hard (I am triple feeding). This week my partner was away for 4 days and nights, the evening he returned he was jet lagged so I try to protect his rest as much as possible, last Saturday night he was out with friends. This Thursday and Friday night he wanted to be out but didn’t last minute (I think because he saw I was weary). This Saturday night he asked if I minded him going out, I said I’d find it much easier if he went out in the afternoon so I didn’t have to do the evening alone especially after 7pm. He went out at 3pm and didn’t get back until 10pm - baby just in bed and every bit g done, He denies that I asked for help from 7 and think this is still within the spirit of going out in the afternoon and back for the evening. He does do housework when he js back.

AIBU to be angry with him and how much socialising do most working away fathers of such a little baby get?

Agreed. That's how it rolls in my house

None unless you also get one

Well the ideal is that you have equal rest, and there are different types of rest. He should be trying to ensure that you’re getting at least one full sleep cycle of 4 and half hours at a minimum every night.

As a new mum you’re probably physically touched out, so getting a predictable and reliable break from holding baby for a while is another form of rest. A friend of mine used to head upstairs, put her AirPods in and do housework while her dh did dinner time, then she’d clean downstairs while he did bath and bedtime. All the work got done but she got some child free headspace too, equivalent to him going out to work. And because they started this early he was a competent, bonded parent and the dc accepted it as the norm.

But you should also be working towards getting some genuine free time too. If he’s getting lunchtimes and evenings you should be getting equivalent. Obviously that’s not really possible when he works away and baby is so young, but in principle he should be enabling your free time when he can.

So once a month at this stage, would be doing really well.