When to have baby number 2?

[OnMyJourney]

What is a good age gap? I have a 16 month old and she's so sweet but I'm not ready yet, I thought a 3 year age gap sounded great but I keep getting told that's too big of a gap and we should've started trying for another one by now! I absolutely want another baby no doubt but I'm terrified, it took us 3 years to conceive my baby girl I have pcos so I had to take metformin to be able to get pregnant and I had a terrible labour and delivery experience, I ended up being hospitalised for weeks with preeclampsia and I was massively mistreated in the hospital, I ended up with PPA and this was also ignored. I went through a really rough patch and I think this has lead me to be terrified to try for baby number 2, does anyone have any advice? Im scared about the age gap and that I'll spend my whole pregnancy panicking 🙈

Any age gap is fine!

Age gap sounds absolutely fine. I’ve just had my second with a 2 year age gap and I’ve found it really tough watching my first born going through such big feelings but being stuck with a cluster feeding newborn, but for us waiting longer would have been a risk as I’m already late 30s.

I agree with @withsexypantsandasausagedog any age gap is fine. I have 23 months and 2 in childcare so right now I'd say that was the utter pits. Other times it's lovely.

We have a 3 year, 2 month gap and I love it! Second is 6 months now and DD1 has always been so good with her. DD1 was a super clingy baby and toddler so it was a good gap for me as she was less needy by the time I was pregnant and more understanding that mummy couldn't carry her as much anymore etc. I'm iny late thirties but we decided we'd rather risk having 1 than too small a gap - which for us was the right choice.

The best age gap is when you are ready. All age gaps have pros and cons. If it helps I have a three year old and we are just thinking about a second so minimum of 4 year age gap. We wanted a larger gap so our first is more independent and we don’t have to pay two lots of childcare fees. I am also looking forward to maternity leave with my eldest at school so a bit of one on one time and chance to sleep

I’ve got three so I’ve had a 6.5yr age gap between DD1 and DD2 and then a 3.5yr gap between DD2 and DS. It’s been much harder with the smaller age gap because DD2 still needed us as lot more than DD1 did. Wouldn’t have coped with a smaller age gap.

To echo above, any age gap is fine.
We wanted a short age gap and started trying after our eldest turned 1. Turned out, I had secondary infertility, so we ended up having a nearly 4 year age gap, but it's great! We've only had to deal with one set of childcare fees at a time and while eldest is at school, I get lovely time with my littlest.
There's a 6 year age gap between me and my sister - we are incredibly close. And a 9 year age gap between my DH and his youngest sibling, and that's the sibling he's closest to. So in the long run, it really doesn't matter.

I wouldn't rush into a small age gap unless thats what you really want. People are weirdly hung up on two years but 3-4 years is actually more manageable and arguably more natural (can't be bothered to go into it in detail but apparently hunter gather societies have 4 year gaps and it stops maternal depletion).

f you waited a year to start ttc you'd have a 3 year gap and if it took a year to conceive you'd have a four year gap.

I'd only rush if age is against you.

Of course any age gap is fine but 3 years was perfect for me- close enough to play together but meant only one set of nursery fees, only one in nappies etc.

We have a 3yr 9 month age gap and it has been great for us. Oldest adores his little brother and they are starting to play together now my youngest is a toddler. Don't rush into it if not ready.

There are pros and cons to every age gap. Don't be pressured on that basis. Mine are 3 years apart and best of friends, plus it was easier having a newborn with a 3yo who understood more and was more self-sufficient e.g. out of nappies, could get her own drink.

Honestly people just say stupid things about having another baby. It's a personal choice and in many cases is not a 'choice'. For all others know, you could be ttc already. Make a decision that works for you. Does your hospital offer a birth reflections appointment, as that all sounds like a lot to deal with.

Agree with everyone, whatever age gap works for you. We have a 2y 9m age gap and actually I think a slightly longer one would have been better because DD2 was born right as we were trying to potty training DD1 and it was all a bit of a nightmare with potty training regressions.

Also, I have PCOS and needed metformin and letrozole to conceive DD1, but DD2 was a natural conception with just metformin after around 8months ttc! So don't think because you had difficulties the first time, it will definitely be the same this time. You will also be consultant led due to the previous preeclampsia so you will have lots of support in your pregnancy.

Different age gaps are right for different people. Don’t listen to any outside noise, just do what’s best for your family

Don't put pressure on yourselves. Took a couple of years to conceive and then had a surprise so 19 month age gap. Then 3 years 1 month later a third. The small gap was a killer. This has been far easier and they don't interact as equal playmates yet admittedly but the interactions are beautiful and the older two genuinely love it. So a nearly 5 year gap between oldest to youngest. Its a family relationship not a peer relationship and I really think in time the gap will really narrow further.
Wishing you lots of luck - we decided to stop contraception as sex was so infrequent and took so long before with multiple ovulation kits you name it and BAM! So maybe let nature take its course a little if it does feel too soon. Then at a set point get to the doctors etc

Like others have said: when you’re ready! We knew we wanted two children and as I’m an older mum we didn’t have the luxury of waiting a long time. Our gap is 2.5 years. I’m pretty sure I would’ve cracked on regardless because I didn’t think I could return to the madness of the baby days if they were too far in the past! But, it all depends on your experience with your first pregnancy, birth, and what your firstborn is like. I’m sorry you had such a hard time. 💐 Here were some things that helped us with regard to the gap we chose:

• I had an uncomplicated c-section and recovery first time. I didn’t love it, but no birth trauma and I was able to try for a vbac. As it happened I had another c-section. Recovery was tricky with DD, but at 2.5 years she was well able to walk and climb stairs independently so didn’t need to be carried or picked up. Her understanding about the pregnancy and birth was also good - I was able to prepare her. She likely won’t remember a time when she was an only child. Makes me sad and happy at the same time!
• DD was potty trained. We’ve had some regression since DS arrived but she knows what’s up. It takes a lot of focus so I wouldn’t have wanted to take that on with a baby in tow and we knew we wanted DD trained before pre-school.
• DD is a very reliable sleeper. Bedtimes can be protracted (lol) but once she’s asleep she doesn’t wake unless sick, nose bleed, or nightmare. She’s in a bed in her own room, and has never co-slept with us. Can easily sleep through DS crying in the night and our house is tiny.
• DD went to nursery at 12 months and has been there 3 days a week since. We’ve kept her routine there, which means life continues as normal for her and I get to spend 1:1 time with baby/a rest from parenting two.

We began trying when DD was one, but I’m glad it took us a little longer in hindsight. Good luck with what you decide @OnMyJourney!

We have 3 years and for us it's perfect and was planned. It means my eldest understood what was happening, I felt he had a good amount of 1 to 1 time with me and then when he started school my youngest got some 1 to 1 time with me. They have always has a good relationship they're now 9 and 12 and still get on really well hopefully that will continue! I guess its hard to know if personalities will clash or not. Ultimately what ever you decide your not going to know any differently!

Me and my DFriends were talking about this last night. I have one turning 18 this year and one turning 21. My DF said that I hadn't planned having a 3 year gap very well

If you have a 2 year gap though you'll potentially have I've doing GCSEs and one doing A'Levels at the same time with you potentially being on the Peri and I'm not sure I would have survived that particular scenario!

I have a 5 year gap, nearly 6 between me and my sibling and we never felt close as DC, plus if you try and do activities that suit a 6 yo and and 12 year old it can always feel like a compromise somewhere.

Like others have said though, you have your next DC when you're ready but if it was me and I took 3 years last time I would perhaps be thinking of TTC now, especially if I was in my 30s

And do think about having some Counselling first your previous experience. The Birth Trauma Association have some links CV on their website for Counsellors who specialise in Birth Trauma

It's quite fashionable now to have gaps of under 2 years. However, medical advice says that to reduce the risk of pregnancy complications and other health problems, research suggests waiting 18 to 24 months, but less than five years after a live birth before attempting your next pregnancy. So that would mean an ideal gap of almost 3 years to about 5.5 years, at least from the point of view of maternal health. Many parents are putting their health at risk by having such small gaps. I think a large reason is also that older first time mums feel forced to rush it before their fertility really falls off a cliff, and because of pressure not to take too long away from their career. It is quite a luxury to have a bigger gap in some ways if those don't apply to you.

I don’t get the obsession with 2 under 2 either - personally it looks like hell on earth to me. I had an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth and recovered quickly, so I don’t know how people do it after even trickier experiences. Part of me wonders if it’s to try and have a better experience the second time?

I have an 18 month old and I have to say I’m obsessed with this age, he is so adorable that I can see how many people start trying for a second around now, but I actually am so in love with this age, I do also want more time alone with just DS.

We’ve also started getting pregnancy announcements from our antinatal group and people seem to ask around this time so I totally get why you’re feeling the pressure.

I’m hoping for a 3yr gap, so I’m loving hearing other experiences of that age gap. I’m also late 30s so I know nothing is guaranteed but like @Lottie6712 this is a calculated risk I’m willing to take.

It helps that me and DH both have big ages gaps with our siblings so I’ve never assumed closeness in age is essential.

My baby is nearly 9 months. I'd like to try for a second one when she's 3, with the aim of her being reception aged once another one is born. I also don't want to pay 2 lots of nursery fees.

I couldn't hack 2 under 2 and really don't understand the appeal personally!

I had 3.5 years between mine and thought that was a perfect age gap. She was old enough to help with the baby and also went to a playgroup every morning so I was able to have time with the baby and to get my jobs done around the house.
They fought like cat and dog at aound 9 and 12 but are best of friends now.

There was 8.5 years between me and my sister - awful.
We grew up as 2 only children and have never been close at all.

Any age gap is fine. People on here seem to be weirdly obsessed with having them as close as possible.

I have a twin brother so in close as age as you get, we've never been close. I have vague memories of us playing together as toddlera but that's about it. My husband is nearly 6 years older than his brother and they've always been thick as thieves. Same interests, best friends and as they've grown older same friends too!

Like you, I didn't feel ready at all when DS1 was 16 months - he still wasn't sleeping well and I was struggling with the work/parenting balance. One NCT friend had already had her second by that age! I did NOT envy her, it was very hard. There was no way I was ever going to go for 2 under 2.

We also struggled to conceive the first time and I have PCOS and needed Clomid. So we started "trying" with no expectation of success, when he was about 20 months, mainly so that when I did feel ready, we could go to the fertility clinic and say it had been a year. My body had different ideas though, and I fell pregnant completely naturally just before his 2nd birthday! We have a 2y8m gap, and it's been fine, though expensive for the 18ish months they were both in nursery.

Unless age is not on your side, there's no problem with waiting till you feel more ready.

When you feel rested again and you’re in a good financial position after taking any time off and your mental health is in a good place and you feel ready.

5 year gap between mine (very intentionally planned), which meant eldest was in school (no childcare costs), Dh and I had progressed well in our careers, financially were quite secure after all those early years of having to pay £1100 a month for nursery. We’d had decent sleep. We’d been able to go on a couple nights away with family help and had some meals out alone in that time. Basically, we felt like ourselves again, recharged, ready to do those early years over one more time.

5 years generally has worked really well for us. They are 7 & 12 now and while they do fight, they have different enough friend groups and interests that they can also stay out of each others way.