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Original poster

I told my DDDDDH I shouldn't have had kids

30 replies

NotABanana · 01/05/2008 16:17

Someone has just told me it is normal for kids to fight, hers do all the time, and I will be fine.

Mine were fighting within minutes of being picked up from school. DS1 in tears. DD in a strop. DD kicks DS2 for not walking fast enough.

At home DS1 teases DS2. Ds1 calls DS2 stupid so DS2 hits him.

I was that close to smashing all the bloody cars up.

Have been down for a couple of weeks now and just feel not up to the job, anymore. If I ever was.

And yet, who do they want at bed time and school pick up time?

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Tortington · 01/05/2008 16:47

i think it much depends on the strength you have in that day.

i think we can all have rubbish times - but you know in yor heart of hearts that they love you hence your last comment

Original poster
NotABanana · 01/05/2008 16:48

Seriously lacking in strength at the moment.

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Rhubarb · 01/05/2008 16:49

Join the "We're having a bad day club". I've said lots of things I regret to my kids. The important thing I always do is to sit them down, tell them how sorry I am and how much I love them.

Original poster
NotABanana · 01/05/2008 16:53

I haven't said anything I regret to them today. I stopped myself as I did think it.

I told my husband that if the way they behave is normal and I can't manage then I am clearly not cut out to be a mother.

What hurts is I was a great nanny. Tonnes of patience and I never shouted, etc.

I am just so tired all the time.

DH says we need paid help but we can't afford it and what sort of failure would that make me that I would pay someone else to do things with my kids as I can't be energised to do it.

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Amandella · 01/05/2008 17:00

NotABanana - it sounds totally normal to me - my kids argue constantly - some days I cope well, most days I could SCREAMMM - but I try not to with varying amounts of success. If you are having a down time and you are tired, then of course you are doing to feel like this. Is there any way you can get a break - can your dh take them for a weekend and you get away for a couple of days?? This is what I do about once a year as I just reach boiling point and need a break and rest from them. It doesn't mean we are bad mothers, nor does it mean that we are failures because they push us to the limit.....

Rhubarb · 01/05/2008 17:00

You have 3 kids ffs! I have 2 and that's bad enough! Look, we all get days like that, don't think you're the only one. Others might seem to be coping from the outside, but behind closed doors it's another matter. And no-one will talk about it because there is huge pressure upon us these days to become supermums - to be the perfect wife, perfect mother and go out to work in the bargain. There are too many things to juggle - no wonder depression is on the increase! And do you know which section of society relies on anti-depressants the most? Mothers.

Take a bit of help. Even if it's a cleaner who comes in once a week, that's one job you won't have to think about. Separate the kids, put one in the bedroom doing homework, the youngest in front of CBeebies and the other one in the kitchen colouring or doing their homework. Don't accept any arguing, just do it. Say if they can stay there for 20mins without making a fuss they can have a treat (don't tell 'em it's a piece of fruit though), then have a cup of tea and breathe...

Original poster
NotABanana · 01/05/2008 17:06

Just send DS1 to his room for hitting his sister with something. DS2 has joined him so DD has gone to get him. I am 100% certain that DS1 will go in one if his mooods and it will all go pear shaped.

I just can't be bothered any more. [bad mother]

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ScoobyDoo · 01/05/2008 17:10

I am feeling much the same at the moment with my ds & dd & they are only 2.3 & 5.6 all they do is fight like cat & dog, i have to seperate them all the time, i get in from the schhol run & within 5 mins one is crying & screaming.

I was feeling really down yesterday & feeling as though i am not cut out to be a mother either, it makes you feel this way.

I don't have any great words of advice but wanted you to know your not the only one.

Rhubarb · 01/05/2008 17:12

If he is being punished then order the others down as they'll only have a go at him. Stick telly on for them.

You have to be firm but fair. Requires effort in the short term but pays off in the long term.

Rhubarb · 01/05/2008 17:15

Hey, [http://rhubarb1.wordpress.com/ look] at my shitty day!

Rhubarb · 01/05/2008 17:15

rhubarb1.wordpress.com/oops!

Original poster
NotABanana · 01/05/2008 17:17

DD called DS2 down. DS1 came down and when I sent him back up called me stupid. Just tried to play a game with DS2 and DD and they kept knocking the counters awry which had taken ages to do, several times and I just smacked DS2. No excuse. No justification. No defence. Shouldn't have done it. He cried saying I didn't mummy for a few seconds until I sent them both upstairs.

I love my kids but that's it. I am getting no real enjoyment from having them and that is because of me, not that they aren't amazing. I feel so sorry for them as they are having a crap childhood with me and that is the last thing I wanted for my kids as mine was horrendous.

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Original poster
NotABanana · 01/05/2008 17:19

Sympathies rhubarb

Would give anything for a chocolate bar right now.

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Rhubarb · 01/05/2008 17:20

I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself.

I would have accepted that I was having a bad day and let them sort themselves out whilst I had a cup of tea. But you feel as though you somehow need to "make up" to them, so you start playing a game even though you feel angry and shit - recipe for disaster!

You need to accept yourself for who you are. Nobody is perfect and the only person who expects that from you is yourself. Your kids don't expect you to play games with them all the time! It's enough that you are there for them. I don't play with mine, I know I should do more, but I'm just not like that and my kids have accepted that. I can read them a book and help with homework. So that's my job. Game playing I leave to my dh or they play by themselves.

You are doing too much. Take some time out.

Original poster
NotABanana · 01/05/2008 17:30

I was only playing the game as it is a school one and has to go back tomorrow. She has had it since last Friday.

Off to bath them now.

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Original poster
NotABanana · 01/05/2008 18:14

Hubby home with flowers.

Kids all abthed, pyjamad and teeth cleaned.

Just 1 game and 1 school book to do.

Dinner in oven.

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Rhubarb · 01/05/2008 18:21

Go easy on yourself and accept the help when it is offered. You are not a failure, you are a hard working mum. Accept help and start enjoying your children!

Original poster
NotABanana · 01/05/2008 18:30

Good job we have a strong marriage. Ds1 is playing up big time, DH smacked him, Dh bit my head off when I said he was playing the game wrong with DD so I have left them to it.

It breaks my heart to see Dh so unhappy. He is the nicest person you could ever wish to meet and because of me he has turned into someone who doesn't enjoy his children, is shattered and stressed permanently and I just feel like crap.

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Rhubarb · 01/05/2008 19:24

How old are your kids? You sound utterly exhausted. This is NOT your fault. You see all through your posts you are condemning yourself, you are a bad mother, bad wife. You are none of those things. You need to sit down with dh and admit that things are getting on top of you, although he probably already knows this. Then get in some help. Can you enlist a babysitter to come in once a month so allow you and your dh to go out somewhere? Or even once every six weeks? Do you have any friends that you can go out with once in a while? Do you have friends/parents nearby who would have the kids for a couple of hours at a weekend?

I know this might sound crap, but how about inviting a playmate over for each of them, taking it in turns. Very often they'll keep out of the way if there is a playmate there and it gives you more time to focus on the others. Also that playmate's mum then feels obliged to return the favour.

Write down everything that is getting on top of you on a sheet of paper, then write down possible solutions. You'll feel better just getting it down on paper.

bigTillyMint · 01/05/2008 19:28

My kids can be just as awful as yours and I can react in a very similar way to you, but your DH brings you flowers!

nikos · 01/05/2008 19:58

I could have written your post today. I've got three as well and the fighting drives me bananas. Just want to run out the house screaming when they are all at it. And today I did scream if it is any consolation.
I wonder if they are all getting tired now with the final term of the year kicking in.
Also think there is no harm in saying to dc that you are finding it difficult with them all fighting.
Don't know what your finances are like but when it feels like an uphill battle I try and book a family fun day at a theme park or water park so that we all really have fun and remember why we wanted kids in the first place. Perhaps you could make it the prize if the earn enough points by not fighting.
Sympathy though.

nikos · 01/05/2008 20:00

Also when I'm having a really bad day I put them to bed really early. They are allowed to read/look at books but are on pain of death if they leave their rooms. It just allows me to cool off and stops me saying more than I should.

nikos · 01/05/2008 20:01

Wine helps as well

HaventSleptForAYear · 01/05/2008 20:05

Sympathy from me too.

Sometimes (often!) DH and I feel like this about the kids. Actually we keep being tempted to go for n° 3 but then remembering that we find it really exhausting and a strain most of the time.

TBH, what helps me is work. Ok, it is bloody exhausting to have 2 young DS and WOH but it means you get away from them for a bit [ducks and runs away from any perfect mammas around who never have this thought].

Sorry, have no idea of your situation so no concrete suggestions to make, but I do think that full-time SAHM puts a huge pressure on the mother to be perfect all the time because it's your JOB.

I have another job, so I can (sometimes) take it less personally when I feel down about the kids or can't cope.

Hope you're not offended by my post. Hope you're ok - your DH sounds great BTW!

Original poster
NotABanana · 01/05/2008 20:05

DS1 is 7
DD is 4 3/4
DS2 is 2 10months

DH is well aware of how things are for me and feels frustrated as there is only so much he can do. He gets them up in the mornings, does their breakfast, cleans their teeth and the minute he gets in the door (after eating a BabyBel and kissing me hello) asks me where we are up too and takes over.

I have no family and DH's parents won't babysit in the evening as FIL won't drive in the dark. No one else to ask really.

Always writing lists and plans for how to make things easier and what I should be doing but never get on to it.

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