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Parenting

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Original poster

My mum wants to tell ex-bil that my sister neglects their dd (12)

37 replies

notreallysayingthis · 16/04/2008 22:38

It is a can of worms. I dont know where to start, and I dont know how to really best convey the situation.

My sister has never been much of a hands on mum, since her dd was little has she longed for her to grow up and become independent. She has not enjoyed motherhood, and she has many health issues, and some personality issues too, I would say.

DD is now 12, and entering a difficult stage in her life, and complains she is depressed and wants to die. My sister and her lives alongside eachother, they rarely talk. My sister spends a lot of time in bed, crying that she wants to die, and generally cursing her existence and the world around her. DD is not allowed to go on any activities, because my sister is scared she will get injured. She even refused her to join us on minigolf a long staircase down from her flat, because she could stumble on the stairs. My sister is yelling at her dd a lot, and generally not very pleasant to her. My sister seems most of the time so preoccupied with herself that her dd becomes non existent, her school work is not followed up, she does not have clothes that fit, there has been times where they have spent a whole week in bed doing nothign but read Harry Potter together, as it was easier than taking her to school, and there isnt food in the house that dd likes, so she doesnt eat.

Now my mum has started talking about involving dds father, and telling him how the situation is. I really dont know.

OP posts:

chipkid · 16/04/2008 22:42

Look somebody has got to do something for the sake of this little girl. She cannot go on receiving this level of care it simply isn't fair or right. Having read your post I feel so sad for the both of them-but unless somebody intervenes how is this situation going to change for the better. You cannot stand by whilst a child is damaged emotionally in this way.

EllieG · 16/04/2008 22:43

I think your Mum is quite right. Sounds like your sis and her DD need some help. Personally, I would be very concerned about her and would consider contacting social services for help. Your sis sounds very depressed, and in need of support, and that her issues are having a considerable impact on her daughter. Contacting her father, if he will be supportive and take charge of the situation and ensure his DD gets better care may be a very good idea.
Best of luck.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 16/04/2008 22:43

Someone's got to do something. Better she speaks to the girls father first than the SS.

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Original poster

notreallysayingthis · 16/04/2008 22:44

It is not like she is beaten up, abused etc, it is just such a lack of care for her wellbeing. It is like she might as well not been there, her needs are so ignored.

OP posts:

fishie · 16/04/2008 22:45

why are you worried about involving niece's father?

Psychomum5 · 16/04/2008 22:46

better that she approaches the dad first than SS and it gets way out of control for everyone.....and most importantly for your neice.

she so needs someone before it is too late, and her dad is the best person as he is her parent too!

if all else fails can you not also intervene......surely you cannot sit back and allow this to continue, for your neices sake or your poor sister as she sounds in desperate need of help too

CarGirl · 16/04/2008 22:48

Your niece's emotional, physical and psycological welfare are being neglected. Something needs to be done or your niece will spend her teenage and adult years depressed and miserable.

EllieG · 16/04/2008 22:48

Neglect is a very serious form of abuse. Can lead to all sorts of problems, physical, emotional, you name it. It is not less serious than being beaten up.

WallOfSilence · 16/04/2008 22:49

The poor little love.

Your mum is right to show concern, though it sounds like your sister needs help.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 16/04/2008 22:50

Mind you, SS might be able to provide the help the mother needs too.

Original poster

notreallysayingthis · 16/04/2008 22:50

I am not sure her father is much better. He is very controlling, and it seems to me that he too is always setting his own needs before his dd.
He wants sole custody over her. And my sister has fought tooth and nail, and has high legal bills, to keep her with her. Yet, I feel that things are on a downward turn with my sister, and she sounds quite hysteric half the time.

And dd does not want to live with him, she says she cant wait for her to be so old that she does not have to go on visitation.

OP posts:

Original poster

notreallysayingthis · 16/04/2008 22:52

I dont want it to continue. I cant, really. I just dont know what would be the best approach.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 16/04/2008 22:52

Would you offer to have her or your Mum??

CarGirl · 16/04/2008 22:53

If she is 12 I believe the courts would take her views into account so if she doesn't want to live with her Dad I doubt they would make her?

3andnomore · 16/04/2008 22:53

tbh, I think it is your sister that needs help, because she obviously has some problems....because once she learns to look after herslef she can look after her daughter....maybe less judgement and more actual physical help and emotional help would serve both of them....

Psychomum5 · 16/04/2008 22:54

well if her dad is that bad then that changes things!!

if so, I would try and see if she could stay with you or her grandparents while yor sis gets some help too.

WallOfSilence · 16/04/2008 22:54

Does your mum have roon for her?

Does your sister go to see a doctor or anything? It sounds like she's depressed.

Was it always like this though, or has something happened recently to cause your mum more concern?

Original poster

notreallysayingthis · 16/04/2008 22:54

My mum cant have her, she is quite elderly.

Yes, I would have her. She is a lovely girl, and would make a great "big sister". But I doubt her father would allow it. He rather she is with him.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 16/04/2008 22:56

Well ask your niece to come stay with you for a "holiday" without making it official well your Mum helps get your sister sorted? Do you live locally enough for your niece to stay at the same school?

CarGirl · 16/04/2008 22:56

Well ask your niece to come stay with you for a "holiday" without making it official well your Mum helps get your sister sorted? Do you live locally enough for your niece to stay at the same school?

chipkid · 16/04/2008 22:56

yes the courts would listen to her views-but also the Court has to consider the alternatives for this little girl-she cannot continue to suffer this level of emotional neglect it will screw her up-is there no way that she could be acred for in the family? you or your mum?

Original poster

notreallysayingthis · 16/04/2008 23:00

My sister lives abroad (and please if you recognise me now dont let on) and has not seen her therapist for years. She was going for councilling weekly while she was still here. I visited her recently, and have been quite shocked since.

It is not a question of judgement. I love my sister, she has been through a lot, both me and my mum spend considerable amount of time on the phone with her, trying to help her make sense of things.

She is currently in a stage where she wants to return home, she is so angry with her new country because she got a parking ticket. This has sent her over the edge, along with problems with her disability benefit which has been held back the last six months. I am hoping what is happening now is a temporary glitch. She will be back from june till august, I will have time with her then and hopefully can find out what is really going on.

OP posts:

jammi · 16/04/2008 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

notreallysayingthis · 16/04/2008 23:06

Thanks Jammi.
I am scared she is being damaged emotionally. And I dont want to cover up for my sister. But what if we contact her father, or social services, and she ends up with him, and that this is worse for her?

I like the idea of having her for extended holiday. It will give us a chance to see if it could work on a more permanent basis...

OP posts:

3andnomore · 16/04/2008 23:09

don't make it official, but help your sister...because honestly she sounds like she needs help, that weill help any child of hers....

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