My mum wants to tell ex-bil that my sister neglects their dd (12)

[notreallysayingthis]

It is a can of worms. I dont know where to start, and I dont know how to really best convey the situation.

My sister has never been much of a hands on mum, since her dd was little has she longed for her to grow up and become independent. She has not enjoyed motherhood, and she has many health issues, and some personality issues too, I would say.

DD is now 12, and entering a difficult stage in her life, and complains she is depressed and wants to die. My sister and her lives alongside eachother, they rarely talk. My sister spends a lot of time in bed, crying that she wants to die, and generally cursing her existence and the world around her. DD is not allowed to go on any activities, because my sister is scared she will get injured. She even refused her to join us on minigolf a long staircase down from her flat, because she could stumble on the stairs. My sister is yelling at her dd a lot, and generally not very pleasant to her. My sister seems most of the time so preoccupied with herself that her dd becomes non existent, her school work is not followed up, she does not have clothes that fit, there has been times where they have spent a whole week in bed doing nothign but read Harry Potter together, as it was easier than taking her to school, and there isnt food in the house that dd likes, so she doesnt eat.

Now my mum has started talking about involving dds father, and telling him how the situation is. I really dont know.

ok well june is both soon but a long time for someone who is 12. so she is coming out of school back to uk? this all seems very irregular. why june?

What my sister needs most of all right now is money, as her benefit was stopped. Agoraphobia is one of her problems. She is terrified of dealing with authority, making phone calls is something she can dread for days, or even to check her email, or her post, as you never know whats there. This is one of the reasons she is classified disabled. Yet, her benefits have been stopped pending further assessment of her case (which has been done, but it is on standstill), and she has now been forced to take action, and she is not handling it. I cant understand how the benefits agency can do this to people!

I wonder if she is projecting her agoraphora on her dd, maybe that is why she wont let her join any activities.

Or rather not money as such, but for her benefits to start being paid again and this whole case to be resolved so she can get some breathing space in her mind.

I think Social Services,, if they live in a country with a system at all similar to ours. They don't usually start by taking a child away, you know; they will try other solutions first.

If you don't think there is a network of SS that would help, you need to see about pointing your sister in the direction of medical help.

The ideal combination would be a programme of treatment for your sister (maybe something like CBT), a social worker who came in to check on your niece and maybe an education welfare officer to make sure she made it to school.

Sadly there are many such cases in the expat community there, from what I can gather. There are children who slip through the net, who have neglectful parents, who are out each evening, drinking, leading the "high life", leaving the children to fend for themselves, without baby sitters, children who get up on their own in the morning, get dressed and go to school, come home to an empty house, etc. The local ss dont touch these cases, and turn a blind eye, thinking it is too tricky, and really up to the country of origin. Parents who drink and fight, police is frequently called, they see the children in the midst of a domestic violence scene, and they think "ah foreign nationals", and dont set the wheels in motion as they would have if they had been "natives". My sister compares herself to these cases and is satisfied that her dd is not exeriencing such things, and everything is therefore ok.

I need to discuss this more with my mother. Clearly we have to do something.

notreally, we had a situation like this in my family. The resident parent was neglectful, emotionally abusive and mentally ill. The non-resident parent was reluctant to get involved - tried to pretend everything was OK and the mother was just a bit different.

My sister and I tried very hard to persuade non-resident parent to rescue the child (and supported the child as best we could). In the end it was brought to a head when the child ran away to my sister - she lived there for a few months and eventually non-resident parent realised he had responsibilities and the situation could not be mended by everyone being nice to each other.

I am so very glad we intervened - God knows what would have happened otherwise. Child is now an adult and a good parent herself. I don't think that would be the case had we not stepped in and had the child not forced the issue.

Your case is more complicated because non-resident parent is not the parent you would choose for this little girl as opposed to the one in our case who was merely (!) self-centred and hates rows or disputes. But I do think your niece needs to be rescued, somehow.

Perhaps you could arrange for you niece to come over early ie asap and then your sister join her in June? Perhaps sell it to your sister as giving her more time & space to sort out her financial issues? Any chance you or your Mum go out there to collect your niece if your sister gives that excuse? Where is the ex in this country or where your niece is?

My niece was bullied at her previous school here, but not in Spain. She is happy at her school, and the school finishes at the end of June.

I have written a very long email to my sister bringing up all our concerns, at the same time asking her what we can do to help them through this period. I have not sent it yet, need to read it to my mum. I am hoping that if she sees what outsiders can see from their situation it will spur her into getting help, change her situation, and see how her own illness is affecting her dd.

I dont think I can contact neither her ex nor ss without bringing our concerns up with her first. She needs a chance to put things right. And a chance to talk to her family about her issues without feeling she needs to hide how it affects her dd. She needs us more than ever, and we should be her first outlet, and any issues regarding her mental health and upbringing of her dd should come from us first.
We will have to see how she reacts, and take it from there.

My sister was a very resourceful and extremely intelligent woman. She used to be a recognised research scientist invited to conference after conference speaking about her methodology and her findings.
As she studied psychology "for fun" on the side, I think she can recognise what I say about projecting her own agoraphobic tendencies on her dd.

I reckon I will get a phonecall with abuse slung at me at some point today. Wish me luck.

Does your niece get any school holidays between now and the end of June?

No, she doesnt. They had a 3 week long Easterbreak recently. In any event, she goes to her dad during each break. Not because she wants to, but because he is kicking up merry hell if she says she doesnt want to go, sues my sister for refusing access, and refuse to sign the papers that allow her to go to that school in Spain, or threaten that he will not sign next year, etc....

The thing is, something just dawned on me right now, I am not sure that she has such a horrid time with him, for all I know, she could just be paying lipservice to her mum. For all I know, the real situation could be that she wants to go but has not got courage to say so as her mum wants her to stay, and exbil intervenes and threatens court action to ensure she can come.

sounds like you need a way to talk to your niece in private and find out what she wants. Do you think you could speak to your exbil and ask in a casual manner whether your niece ever says that she wants to live with him???