Indecision about whether to have 1 or 2 - what's life like for you?

[StationeryNerd]

This is a really sensitive topic for me, so I thank you for your kindness.
We have a wonderful, energetic 2.5 year old who we're infatuated with. I feel stuck in time and can't decide whether we want to add a second child into our family. Interested how life changed for you when you added a second, and interested in people who had one and what day-to-day life has been like for them too? We both have careers, very little family nearby and are enjoying that now kid is age 2, we've both settled into balance again. I'm even going to the gym once a week now!

Parents of two children: Is is true your house is a tip all the time, and that even with two careers your money disappears, and that you and your partner lose all alone time/ time for your own hobbies? How do you cope with keeping any space for yourself?

Parents of one child: what are the disadvantages you're seeing, if any?

Maybe I'm just not ready yet. But I'm also tying myself up in time maths. If we do it, and DS is 4.5 when baby is born, will that be a nightmare as he'll be in school and therefore home for big chunks of my mat leave? Better to get the newborn year out the way whilst he's in full-time nursery?

I don't know how to make the decision, and I can stack it either way.

I had one DD, not by choice (marriage breakdown). Initially I was very sad not to give DD a sibling, and she used to ask for a little sister which broke my heart! However, when she was about 7 we had extended family come and stay with a 3 yr old, and DD really struggled with her space being invaded and has been a very happy only since then! I have also grown to love that I don't have to compromise one child for another, that I can 'import' playmates temporarily but send them home again after we're both tired, that I get time out when she's invited on sleepovers etc. We are a really good team and I think closer than we would be if I had to divide my time and energy across multiple kids.

I have 2 ( pregnant with third )
I could not imagine life without her she's slotted in just perfectly and yes they squabble but I just adore watching them when they are getting along. There is only 15 months between them though.
No my house isn't a tip but me and my husband are both tidy people
I'm a sahm
We don't have much family support at all but my husband works from home every other week so we always go out for breakfast together once those weeks as abit of a date and a refresh x

Following out of interest as I’m in the same quandary. My little girl is 3.5 so I don’t feel I have much insight to offer you yet but I like our life as a three especially now she’s much more independent. Everything is quite easy and manageable, days out and holidays are not as expensive as they would be with another, money isn’t such a worry and the end of paying for childcare is in sight. We’re able to put away a good amount of money towards her future, and ours. We’re all getting sleep, there are no arguments to break up.

The disadvantages so far are worrying about her being lonely, worrying that she’ll miss out on what could potentially be a life-enhancing experience of having a sibling (though of course there are no guarantees how that relationship would be), as she loves babies and I think she’d be a wonderful big sister. She needs a lot of our attention for play whereas with a sibling they might play more independently together. I also worry she’ll be lonely growing up as she has no cousins and is unlikely to have any. She does have some good friends already including the children of friends who are like family to us so I hope social relationships may make up for lack of family connections. We make a big effort to organise regulate time with other children for her, play dates, days out etc. If we do choose to stop at one we will continue to do this and have an open house policy for her friends, possibly consider getting a dog (not that this is any replacement for a sibling before anyone jumps on that - but for her to have another companion in the house). I’m reassured by the fact I know a lot of grown up only children who make all the worries I have for my daughter seem unfounded. They’re all happy, have very close relationships with their parents and a strong social support network. Look forward to hearing other tips shared with you by one child families (or grown up only children).

Good luck, whatever you decide. I know how hard it is to be on the fence x

We have two. Quite a big age gap - they're 17 months and 6y4m. DS was in reception when DD was born and actually it worked beautifully for me. Got to spend all day with DD and then enjoy both my babies in the afternoon/evenings.

Yes the house is a mess but that's probably more down to the fact that I don't religiously tidy up as soon as they seem to lose interest in what they're playing with. I'm sure it's perfectly manageable to have a tidy house if you're that way inclined!

We have a modest income but we're not struggling by any stretch. My DP goes to the gym 3/4 times a week and he gives me time to do my hobbies too, our life hasn't really changed in that respect. It's kind of a 'if you want it, you'll make it work' situation

I have one by choice. I really couldn’t take doing the baby years again. There don’t appear to be any disadvantages. The only one he has raised is that he was lonely in lockdown when he couldn’t see other kids.

I have 2. I work freelance, very flexible short hours and dcs are in school or preschool now so I have time to keep on top of the house during their school hours, and have time for my own hobbies and time to myself then. Before dc2 was in preschool she was with me all the time and the house got unmanageable, but that was partly due to a conscious decision to not juggle housework with childcare.

My eldest DD started school when dc2 was 4 months old. She goes to a lot of activity camps through the school holidays so she's kept busy throughout the year. It's hard work looking after both of them on my own and I don't do it too often - DH is around in evenings and weekends and all family holidays.

We have a high household income and some income producing assets so money hasn't been an issue, we don't have to make any financial compromises as a result of having 2 dcs. I would not have given up things like overseas holidays, after school activities, trips out and event tickets to have a second dc.

One and done here - she’s 9 and the only downside we are noticing is that she is bored of hanging out with mum and dad for any extended period of time!
We have an open house policy for her friends (if we are going to be in I never say no) and her bestie is also an only so they spend a lot of time together.
Holidays are tricker atm so we put a lot of effort into finding amazing kids clubs. We’ve also been away with friends and their kids and I will consider taking a friend when they are high school age.
Other than that we’ve had a pretty smooth run so far!

The reasons you list in your OP are all about you - not your current child. The benefit of more than one are for the child imo. A sibling for life. I have only children friends who are really struggling alone with the burden of elderly parents now. Obv you might not get on with siblings but in general they are a joy and a help throughout life

(Sorry pressed send too soon)

So yes, your house might be messy for a few more years but the pay off is your child has a sibling for 70+. In my mind it was a no brainer. I have two 2.5 years apart and they get on very well. Holidays are a doddle. They’re playing a card game together right now

@Arlott no worries, yes I've thought of that too. That said, I have 2 sisters and we never, ever really gelled and still have a tacit relatonship (loving family home with no dramas either). So a friend is not a guarantee, and the decision does have to be about me, I think.

@jannflas Do you mind if I DM you (if I can even figure out how!) ?

Thanks @Beentherelivedthat I could have written every word of what you said. Identical feelings. Sounds like you're happy right now, so maybe there's no burning need or desire? I too have 2 close only friends as adults who know they'll be reliant on their partners when the inevitable elder care thing happens. And yet to offer a counter argument, I also have a friend who has an only child who's a spoiled brat (however I think this is because the parents set no boundaries with money and possessions).
Ugh it's so hard.

I was a happy only, and we went through the same thoughts when DD1 turned 2. In the end we did have another DD and I'm glad we did as their relationship is absolutely lovely, but I'm sure had we not had DD2, DD1 would have had a perfectly lovely and happy childhood.

I think age gap worked well for us, there's just over 3 years between them and that's meant they are close enough in age to play but far enough that these young years aren't too difficult for us. I don't feel like the house is more messy than it was with one, but obviously two sets of nursery fees for a year or so made finances a bit tighter and obviously things like holidays, meals out etc cost consequently more now that there are two of them.

I think I'd say that you can't make the decision based on any future relationship you hope they might have or because you envisage a certain sibling relationship as that may not be reality. At the core, you need to want another child and perhaps have that feeling of not being 'done'.

I will say I struggled a bit with PND with DD2 which I didn't at all with DD1, but now she's 2 and DD1 is 5, I feel pretty happy with our life.

On the caring for elderly parents front, having siblings is no guarantee of that anyway. If you're unlucky, a poor sibling relationship can be a hindrance on that front and prevent you from making choices you know are in the best interests of a parent.

I have 1. They caused me to develop severe PND and anxiety. Not having a second. They're lovely, but I don't feel they need a sibling as we make a conscious effort to give them social experiences etc.

I don’t think there is a huge difference between one and two really. We did have a large age gap, so career and finances not as impacted as if we’d had them 2-3 years apart.

But once you have a child, your free time, ability to do things as a couple, how messy your house is, takes a hit. It wasn’t really hugely different with an extra one.

The main factor is how supportive your partner is. Dh and I both have plenty of time for hobbies and interests and travel. I went back after both mat leaves to working in London part of the week and a full on career. Dh built a successful company started after our first was born. Because we support each other and make sure the other has time to do things they love or go away to do something fun or can prioritise work when it’s a busy time.

The only thing we don’t have is lots of time alone together because we don’t have any family help. That would have been the same if we’d had 1 or 2 or 3. There’s no family capable of looking after them for a night out or weekend away. Our house is messy, but it’s our first born who is the messy one, so if we’d stuck to one, I think it would be just as messy!

I’m very happy we had 2, but don’t feel like you need to be ready for another now or just stick with one. I always wanted two, but no way in hell I would have been able to think about a second when our first was only 2. It was just too soon. We have a 5 year gap and that’s worked really well.

I just don't think you can know what life would be like sticking with 1 child or going on to have 2, because all children are different, all parents are different and all circumstances are different.
I've got 2 DC and they are the best of friends, and I do mean that! They literally adore each other and are happiest in each other's company.
I have a friend whose 2 children have zero in common, don't ever want to spend time together and never get on, in fact they argue constantly and when I'm with them as a family, I think to myself "If my 2 DC argued non stop like that I'd hate it".
I have a friend with an only child and the child is happy and content being an only child as can be.
Another friend with an only child has a child who dislikes it and asks non-stop for a sibling.
I know mums that wish they'd never had a second child.
I know mums that wish they'd never stopped at one child and regret not having a second.
You simply can't know until you are in the situation you're in.

We have two, our second is a baby and honestly it's the best decision we've made. He's fitted in wonderfully and it's so lovely to see them playing together and they already really love each other. It's been much easier going from 1-2 then it was from 0-1. Yes our house is usually messy and we have less time to ourselves, but we still do get some time and really we wouldn't be without either of them now, our house is lively and it's brilliant. I'm really glad we chose to give out Dc a sibling and have a second.

We have 2. First is 4.7 and second is 14 months. It has been hard work, but it's been amazing. I am so glad we have completed our family now.
I too went through all the same thoughts you have OP, but deep down I knew my thoughts were selfish (I don't mean that in a rude way but a literal way), and I didn't feel at ease looking at it that way and going forward based of things that would benefit us in that way.
Having a second child gives your grandchildren cousins, and gives your first DC a proper companion when the time comes that you die.
I don't think anyone would regret having a second, a third is a totally different story I'm sure!!

I have three but 2 girls now 22 and 29 are each others 'go to' it has always been this way. I have a lovely DS in the middle 26 .. but lives away.. however he is very much part of their team.

My mother was an 'only' .. she died aged 88 . a lack of sibling made her sad her whole life . She never understood why they didn't have more just to be clear , it was a choice .. my grandmother and grandfather were very wealthy and could easily afford another but put their relationship before her .. and left her with a nanny while they travelled the world and had fun..

My mum had 4 as a result .

Yes it’s precisely this - happy as things are but wondering about the what ifs and what my daughter might miss out on. The elderly parents being a burden weighs on my mind. That said, I have an ex and a close friend who each have siblings with complex needs. Not only will they face the burden of ageing parents alone but also the ongoing care of their sibling. So I don’t think that alone can be the deciding factor as you can’t guarantee the circumstances or the relationship. I have a brother but we aren’t close. We get on and I love him but we don’t have a close relationship or see or speak to each other often. So a sibling is no guarantee of the lifelong bond lots of people idealise. The other only children I know aren’t spoilt or stereotypical in any way at all - I think that all comes down to how you parent doesn’t it. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision for your whole family, whatever that may be x

This is very sad for your mum and this is the type of thing that weighs on my mind. However I wonder if things would have been different for her if her parents hadn’t left her alone with a nanny and involved her in their adventures?

@Beentherelivedthat of course it would be different if she had had present parents who prioritised her. How sad for your mum PP I'm sure you children filled her heart and gave her purpose

5 year gap for us.

We were undecided for awhile. And tbh what made our final decision was so DS had a sibling.

DS was in reception and tbh him being in school was a god send! It meant I had all day with the baby, he was busy with school.
Weekends we tag teamed it in taking DS out to have 121 with him.

I won't lie the first few weeks for DS were hard. It took him awhile to adjust, we let him go to DD on his terms, never said do you want to see her, hold her etc. and in his own time he's fell head over heels for her.

I never used to get when people said another baby just slots in, but they actually do. The difference I found was I was so tied up in DS routine that my life evolved around that, where with DD she follows whatever we're doing.

My house isn't as clean and tidy as it once was, buts it's lived in and played in. It's soon tidy once they're in bed. I've learnt to not stress so much about the cleaning anymore.

2 kids 6 year gap. Loved focusing on DD1 for 6 years - has done her so much good, can see the benefits on having just 1 child. We were more comfortable financially and had so much more time.

DD2 is great and very different. Loved that DD1 was in school during mat leave, she went to holiday clubs for part of the holidays as hanging out with a baby is boring.

There really isn't a wrong answer. I think DD1 could have benefited from being an only child but she has a sister now and that has benefits too and we don't regret having a second.