Indecision about whether to have 1 or 2 - what's life like for you?

[StationeryNerd]

This is a really sensitive topic for me, so I thank you for your kindness.
We have a wonderful, energetic 2.5 year old who we're infatuated with. I feel stuck in time and can't decide whether we want to add a second child into our family. Interested how life changed for you when you added a second, and interested in people who had one and what day-to-day life has been like for them too? We both have careers, very little family nearby and are enjoying that now kid is age 2, we've both settled into balance again. I'm even going to the gym once a week now!

Parents of two children: Is is true your house is a tip all the time, and that even with two careers your money disappears, and that you and your partner lose all alone time/ time for your own hobbies? How do you cope with keeping any space for yourself?

Parents of one child: what are the disadvantages you're seeing, if any?

Maybe I'm just not ready yet. But I'm also tying myself up in time maths. If we do it, and DS is 4.5 when baby is born, will that be a nightmare as he'll be in school and therefore home for big chunks of my mat leave? Better to get the newborn year out the way whilst he's in full-time nursery?

I don't know how to make the decision, and I can stack it either way.

I absolutely despised being an only child growing up, so I was dead-set on having two.

Never imagined not having at least 2 and I couldn’t imagine a world without our second now. She’s the best! But two is definitely much much harder. When I see people with one child complaining I just smile to myself. I didn’t realise how much time to oneself you get with 1 child and also how much of your time they get.

With 2 you have to make a concerted effort to ensure they still get 1:1 time and even then, I still feel guilty most of the time that I’m not paying either enough attention. Certainly it’s much harder to carve out time with frjends or exercising. Some friends seem to be able to do it but they invariably are the ones with super involved and helpful grandparents.

I find i am much less patient and more exhausted with 2 but I guess that’s because there are twice as many people waking you up at night or early morning. I cooked so much more, played so many fun games and crafts and stuff with just 1. I still of course try to do the same with 2 but there is just less of me to go around so I am naturally doing a worse job and my career has also totally stagnated. The fighting between them is also annoying although it’s also super cute when they play together.

i am so so pleased we have 2 but it is a game changer. If you go into jt, just do it with your eyes open that it’s gonna be full on but hopefully worth the chaos for the gorgeous extra little person you get to enjoy. Worth it for us for sure.

This comes up all the time. You get the usual only child bashers and the more sensible people. Having another child would destroy my mental health. I had to do alot alone and I'm not willing to take that risk again. If he hates it he's welcome to have lots of kids 😂

Parents of two children: Is is true your house is a tip all the time, and that even with two careers your money disappears, and that you and your partner lose all alone time/ time for your own hobbies? How do you cope with keeping any space for yourself?

We have a 3.5 year old and a 13 week old.

To answer your questions:

1. My house is not a tip and wasn't before the baby came either. I'm a minimalist so that helps!

1. We are doing fine for money. Son starts pre-school in September so his childcare will become holidays only and daughter becomes eligible for 15 free hours when she starts in February. We live in Sussex on two middling incomes.

1. Son goes to bed at 8pm and daughter has just started going down for the night around the same time. That's our 'alone' time (currently she has to be in the same room as us so technically we're not alone but as good as). We either do hobbies together or watch tv etc. On Wednesday's our DND group come round and we play for a few hours :)

I absolutely despised having a sibling growing up, so I was dead-set on one and done.

People always talk about how beneficial siblings are, but I literally don't have a single positive memory with my brother and we made each others' lives (and those of our parents) miserable.

Add in finances and the practicalities of love multiplying but nothing else, and one and done suits us really well. Although our son is still only a little older than yours, so I can't speak to the long term experience yet.

We have 1 and it's lovely. She's 12 and we have a calm home, fun adventures and the capacity to support her in pursuing the things she loves. She gets a say in where we go and what we do (within strict limits) and we're generally really close. I hate the idea of refereeing fights but welcome her friends in and give her plenty of freedom. She's just the best and the pup fills a sibling gap and teaches her that we have to compromise on things to look after others.

I've been able to work part time, be a sahm and now returned full time and been promoted so financially it's meant a lot of flexibility. We can also afford to do the things we love.

We've made provision for our old age and won't be relying on her, but the burden usually falls on one sibling causing a lot of resentment in my experience.

We're a genuinely happy family and I feel very lucky

Oh and no house isn’t a tip.

financially I guess I haven’t really noticed which is probably a sign of immense privilege. Certainly 2 in nursery was a pinch point and of course clubs, clothes etc is all double. We are fine but I think would be v different if we weren’t fortunate to both be earning ok.

We tend to have a couple of evenings each mid week that we can use to socialise or exercise but the thing that has suffered is definitely time together, although there’s a richness of connection that comes from having a family together so I would say relationship enhanced in other ways but foundation needs to be strong as can shake even solid couples!

Yes my sister used to cause murder for me. Causing issues with school friends, demeaning me, she slapped me once infront of everyone and was generally a bitch. She grew up around 30 I'm not waiting 30 years for 2 kids to get on.

I’ve found going from one to two amazing. It’s been easier than the transition from zero to one, and I almost found myself bored with one whereas that happens less often with two. That said it’s physically very hard work, mine are 1 and 4. I often look back and think we had no idea how easy and good we had it with one kid and do think how much easier or lives would be with just one. But it was never an option for us, we always wanted two so it’s not a real issue, just something that I think in the tough times or when I see families with one kid.

My house is still tidy and clean (although I care less about everything being as organised as it was) and I still exercise once or twice a week.

Oh and financially we haven’t really noticed but only because the 30 funded hours for one kicked in while on maternity leave. Don’t get me wrong we’ve got less money that if we had one but it was always going to be worth it for us.

We’re now debating a third though and going through the same thought process as you!

Thanks so much for all the thoughtful responses. I know there is no perfect or right answer at all. Also encouraging to see people who had age gaps and where it's been beneficial for them. I think where I'm at personally is I'm not definitely saying no to a second, but not right now. The thought of being pregnant upsets me as we're enjoying our little family of three, and 2.5 is such a lovely age right now I want to drink him up.
And if nature or body decides it never happens for me, I'll be perfectly happy with that too as we know how we want to parent.

I have 2. Both planned. I wanted around 2 years between then. I got 22 months.

They are now two daughters 12 and 14 and haven't really got on but they have different personalities.

I'd never want one though. I'm one of 3.

My friends have two boys, a 4yo and 8yo, 3.5 year age gap, and when you just have one of them to look after it's like a holiday compared to when they're together. It's starting to get a bit better, but from the point of 2&5 onwards there was a lot of tantruming and conflicting needs. If one wants to go out to a park and the other doesn't and they're both having screaming meltdowns because you're trying to make them go out/telling them sorry not right now - it's basically flip a coin and pick which one is going to kick off about every little thing! One picks up a stick, the other immediately wants it. One goes on a swing, the other wants to as well but there's only one swing and they have to wait... They are very competitive and want what the other has, whether it's age appropriate or not. Lots of the little one getting frustrated because he can't manage the game his big brother is playing, why can't he have the 8+ Lego set as well, why can't he go on XYZ ride he's too small for. The bigger one bosses the little one around making up all the rules for their games and then wonders why his little brother gets angry and wants to stop playing! Equally he did have a lot of the baby/toddler destroying anything he was trying to build or make when they were smaller. Yes when they're playing nicely together it's great and they do help to keep each other occupied, but look at the summer holidays - weeks and weeks together all day, they get annoyed with each other's company as well and then just wind each other up.

I'm sure overall their parents are glad they have both but blimey it's put a lot more strain on their lives, and caused a lot of stress. Neither of the boys sleep well. The oldest is still regularly up at 5:30am. There's only about three meals they will both eat so multiple things get cooked most nights. They aren't "sitting quietly doing some colouring for an hour" children, they're after ten minutes the game will probably shift into wrestling or bouncing on furniture children. One adult having both kids by themselves all day is bloody hard work.

We have one 9 year old too and our experience is exactly this.

Hello :) did you ever decide to have another or stay one and done ?