There is something very wrong with my child. I wish I was being dramatic but even having spoken to my support worker from the perinatal mental health team, as well as my health visiting services, no one has come across a description of behaviour like it.
My partner has just come upstairs bereft and speechless following 45 minutes of sporadic crying episodes (which is now over 1.5 hours). I told him half of what I feel, that I could blow my own brains out, but I can't admit the other half. I can't admit it what goes through my head to anybody because it's unthinkable, but I can feel myself shutting off like you would during intense trauma. There's no other way I can deal with it.
My daughter is 18 months old. She has never, and I mean never, slept longer than 3.5 hours without intervention. She wakes up crying and screaming anywhere up to 15 times a night. Last night she spent an two hours going 1-2 minutes of being settled, before fidgeting and crying for a further 5 minutes, and so on. This is normal and has been ongoing for a year on the back of what I was led to believe were "normal disturbances" for the six months prior. Believe me when I say we've tried everything, even things we have not been given direct instruction to do (I am being purposely vague so as not to incriminate myself), and nothing makes a difference.
Her development is being impacted. Her daytime behaviour is being impacted (inconsolable meltdowns). I have just had to go back to work after being off sick as a direct result of both the physiological impact of the sleep deprivation as well as the deep depression having to deal with such a soul draining situation has caused because my job is being threatened otherwise, so I'm now dealing with shift work on top. We have been waiting for an "urgent" referral to paediatrics for six months after we spent six months buying every book and hiring every professional that might have the solution.
I have reached a point of feeling scared. The inclinations I can feel bubbling up inside of me that I'm constantly having to surpress are becoming unbearable, to the point that anything feels like it would be better than this.
I don't even know why I'm posting this, I'm not looking for answers anymore because I genuinely do not think one could be suggested that I haven't already tried. I just need some moral support I think because my partner has none left to give either.