Cannot admit how I feel

[GettinDesperate]

There is something very wrong with my child. I wish I was being dramatic but even having spoken to my support worker from the perinatal mental health team, as well as my health visiting services, no one has come across a description of behaviour like it.

My partner has just come upstairs bereft and speechless following 45 minutes of sporadic crying episodes (which is now over 1.5 hours). I told him half of what I feel, that I could blow my own brains out, but I can't admit the other half. I can't admit it what goes through my head to anybody because it's unthinkable, but I can feel myself shutting off like you would during intense trauma. There's no other way I can deal with it.

My daughter is 18 months old. She has never, and I mean never, slept longer than 3.5 hours without intervention. She wakes up crying and screaming anywhere up to 15 times a night. Last night she spent an two hours going 1-2 minutes of being settled, before fidgeting and crying for a further 5 minutes, and so on. This is normal and has been ongoing for a year on the back of what I was led to believe were "normal disturbances" for the six months prior. Believe me when I say we've tried everything, even things we have not been given direct instruction to do (I am being purposely vague so as not to incriminate myself), and nothing makes a difference.

Her development is being impacted. Her daytime behaviour is being impacted (inconsolable meltdowns). I have just had to go back to work after being off sick as a direct result of both the physiological impact of the sleep deprivation as well as the deep depression having to deal with such a soul draining situation has caused because my job is being threatened otherwise, so I'm now dealing with shift work on top. We have been waiting for an "urgent" referral to paediatrics for six months after we spent six months buying every book and hiring every professional that might have the solution.

I have reached a point of feeling scared. The inclinations I can feel bubbling up inside of me that I'm constantly having to surpress are becoming unbearable, to the point that anything feels like it would be better than this.

I don't even know why I'm posting this, I'm not looking for answers anymore because I genuinely do not think one could be suggested that I haven't already tried. I just need some moral support I think because my partner has none left to give either.

That sounds incredibly difficult. I really feel for you.

I went through something similar and at 18 months my DS slept through for the first time after we realised he was allergic to soya as well as dairy.

I had been replacing dairy with soya 🙈

I wish I can tell you it gets better but we are in a similar situation here if we try and have an unmedicated night. DC Is older though and has been like it from birth. All I can do is empathise and advise car naps where possible.

Is there ANYONE who can take your child for a night to allow you both to sleep?

Having gone through undiagnosed silent reflux with DC3 that had affects on her sleep for 2 years I'm amazed you are still sane

It is incredibly difficult and just well horrid when you are in the midst with it.

Turned out she also had way too much adrenaline due to retained reflexes and well she just didn't need very much sleep 😭 thankfully treatment massively improved that.

Has she n
Has she been tested for a dairy allergy.

Have they done the basic tests, full blood test, all allergy testing, anaemia etc? Are there periods of the day that are better than others? Is she in nursery- and if so, do they say anything is unusual?

Is there any way you can afford a private paediatric appointment?

Sending a virtual hug (and hundreds of hours of sleep your way)! Sorry you’re dealing with this. Hopefully a solution can be found and you will start to get a proper sleep at some point. Would it help to chat through how you’re feeling on here? Is there anyone you can share it with in real life in a non judgemental way? Therapy is expensive but might be worthwhile for a short time

I get it. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. We had terrible sleepers especially DC1 and it did affect how I felt about life, about her, about our decision to have her etc. The sleep did eventually improve (with ups and downs and diagnoses along the way) and the way I felt also changed dramatically for the better. You will not always feel like this I promise.

I know you said you have tried everything and I believe you, but just as a checklist in case it helps trigger any helpful MN thoughts:

have you done controlled crying/cry it out

have you given calpol/nurofen and if so does it help

any other symptoms eg gastro symptoms, rash, any signs of being in pain

when you say her development is being impacted, in what way and does it appear to be going backwards

have you noticed anything at all that seems to make sleep worse or better

what are naps like

Massive massive hug for you. All I can say is do whatever you need to do to make life easier for now. Why have you had to do shift work?

Wish you were my friend and I'd be over in a shot to babysit and give you a break. Sleep deprivation is the worst, it clouds everything ☹️

Thank you, having excluded everything (to the point of me eating a 4 food diet for a few weeks at one point) for a period of time however, there's zero correlation between allergens and any improvement/worsening. She is allergic to dairy, soya and fish, but we've been free of those for over a year.

Even medicated, it makes no difference. This is what makes no sense.

You poor thing, that sounds horrendous. And your poor daughter. Sounds like she's in physical pain of some kind and it's horrific that you are still waiting for a paediatric referral. I really don't have any advice to give but in terms of the horrible thoughts you've been having -- if it's about harming yourself or your child please reach out to someone, perhaps via your GP.

Are you still breast feeding? Just because you mention you excluding things from your diet

She has a dairy allergy, not determined by an allergy test but by observation.

It sounds like a full allergy panel would be a very good idea.

Im sorry you are going through this it sounds awful. Is there no close family who will help and have baby the odd night so you can get a break? Tell
them you are desperate for help. Or even hire a willing nanny the odd night?

I would chase that paediatric referral constantly until they agree to acknowledge the severity of the situation and the impact. You GP may be able to speed this up & chase it for you, talk to them about this in light of your mental health. Sleep deprivation does really scary things to us. Does baby sleep when you go for a drive? Could you take it in turns to take baby out in car while the other sleeps couple hours?

You all sound exhausted by what sounds like an extremely difficult situation. It's okay to be thinking what you're thinking but you also need to ask for support. Speak to your GP, tell them you're near the end of your tether due to lack of sleep, and that you're concerned about the thoughts you've been having, they will be understanding, ask if the referral to the paediatric team be expedited

You say you’re waiting to see a paediatrician. I would not ordinarily suggest this but you’re clearly at a point at which you can’t go on like this. Can you borrow money from a friend/family/bank or get a credit card or work extra shifts to pay for a private paediatrician and full allergy panel? You’re right that it isn’t normal for an 18 month old to have never slept more than 3.5hrs at a time and your child needs urgent help.

@Zapx Basic tests have been done, anything further is what we are waiting for the paeds referral for. She is equally as volatile shortly after waking as she is coming up to nap/bedtime. And she doesn't go to nursery due to financial constraints - I've gone back to work on the bare minimum we can afford for the sake of my health. Unfortunately that also means no provision for private care.

@Babynamessss Thank you, I'm under the perinatal mental health team but obviously I still have to watch what I say because I'll otherwise potentially open myself up to a safeguarding referral and just create an absolute shitstorm for myself.

@BurbageBrook I'm already under mental health services but their involvement no longer fills my cup faster than it gets emptied if you know what I mean. I'm on relatively high doses of anti-depressants and have 1-2-1 calls with my support worker weekly, but nevertheless.

Crying methods were our last resort that we tried just over 1 year old, and if anything it made things worse both during the night and in the day. She goes into full hysterics, can vomit and is at risk of physically hurting herself left crying for long enough these days (when I say "left crying", I mean without directly intervening - some people obviously say to let them have a tantrum safely and get it out, except she doesn't stop).

Calpol/Nurofen make no difference, she will still start waking an hour or so following going to bed.

She has no other symptoms - no skin, gastric, urinary or dental issues.

She's falling behind on her ASQ questionnaires, there's been no regression, just no progression for quite some time.

Genuinely no consistency with anything. It doesn't matter how much she's slept in the day, how long it's been since she slept, how active she's been, what/when she eats, what she wears/temperature of the room, whether I'm there or not, whether she takes supplements or medication or not. I mean that's not exhaustive but you get the idea.

She has 1 nap which she naturally fell into doing several months ago. Usually around 1 hour long, although she normally wakes from that upset too.

Shift work is a fundamental part of the area in which I work unfortunately. I've already gone part time to try and manage better but it's still meaning I get up at 5am 2-3 times a week.

@Foreverdecorating She now has 1 feed in the morning and that's all, night weaning was something we tried in order to resolve this and it didn't help.

@Mamma2017 She will sleep in the car but still wakes at the same sort of intervals, very upset. Getting her to sleep isn't the difficulty, it's her staying asleep that is completely broken. Our family know about her sleeping issues and do not feel comfortable with having her overnight given the level of distress she can get herself into, I would need for it to be a regular thing to begin restoring my sanity I think. A single night after this long is going to be a drop in the ocean (not meaning to sound unappreciative, just honest)

@Mumsanetta I'd consider doing so but we have credit card debt that we couldn't clear/has been added to during my maternity leave to cover the 3 months I went unpaid, and then due to going back for the minimum we can financially afford to get into even more debt at the moment.

@GettinDesperate I'm so sorry you're going through this. About this age was the hardest time I found for my son - before we had an explanation of why it was happening (and still had multiple people telling us it was normal). Like a PP, we now have diagnoses which at least tell us why he finds it so hard and have led to him being prescribed melatonin, but knocking on for 8 years of this is difficult. You've had really good advice above, I really hope you get some explanations soon.

I think you’re either at the end of your tether, threatening to blow your brains out and thinking the unthinkable or you’re not. Unless of course you’re being dramatic. If you actually are in that place then the credit card debt becomes a secondary consideration. Further debt is better than death. Pay for the help you need now and then come to arrangements with your credit card company to pay it off.

I say this very kindly but if you're at the point where you're thinking about harming yourself or harming her, then it is an acute safeguarding situation and you must tell your perinatal team. Social services are not going to swoop in and take your child away from you. But if you're honest with them about how you're feeling, you'll be able to access better support so you won't feel so alone with this.

It sounds beyond difficult. I think anyone would feel the same as you under the same circumstances- I know I would. So in that respect you're not abnormal.

You do need more help though. It's unreasonable to try and manage this on your own.

I agree with the last two posters. If you are at risk of harming yourself or her you need all the support that entails- including social work “swooping in”. If your child gets distraught being looked after by emergency foster carers that is better than being dead at the hands of her mother or you committing suicide as a result
of the strain you are under.
You need to tell the right people just how bad you feel right now.