So worried and ashamed that I may have hurt my child

[Dementia]

My DD (2.5) goes to a childminder twice a week. I?ve just had a call from the childminder saying that DD seems to have a perforated ear drum ? there is green pus coming out of the ear. She isn?t distressed and is playing happily, so the childminder is going to keep it clean and keep an eye on her. I?ll make an appointment for the GP to see her and make sure everything is ok.

DD had a slight ear infection a few weeks ago for which she had antibiotics. She told me a couple of days ago that her ear hurt but didn?t pursue it and didn?t mention it again.

For the past month or so (at least) she has been very snotty and slightly off colour. She has been sleeping very badly for a few months and ends up in our bed most nights. On bad nights I get no evening either, as often she won?t settle until I bring her into my bed and cuddle her.

I am pregnant and not sleeping well because of that, so DD?s sleep problems are making me feel much worse. Because of her lack of sleep (and perhaps not feeling well), DD can be very cranky during the day and she generally is a very feisty and strong-willed toddler.

My DH says that it?s my fault and my problem. He is busy and stressed at work and needs his sleep, so most nights he sleeps in our son?s bed and DS sleeps with me and DD. There?s not much room in the bed and I can?t get comfortable. DD sometimes wakes up and kicks so I need to sleep with my back to her. DH refuses to have anything to do with the whole sleep issue and is not talking to me.

So I?m demented with anxiety, hormones and exhaustion. I am being horrible to my other two children and spend a lot of the time crying. And the past two mornings I have lost my temper with her and screamed and screamed at her like a madwoman. And this morning I hit her. I am so ashamed and feel so guilty, and am desperately worried that the perforated ear drum is my fault. I will take her to the GP but if it?s all my fault, what will happen? Will her ear be alright?

She?s not doing anything that a toddler shouldn?t do ? the problem is that I?m not coping with her. The poor little thing is so lovely and deserves a nice mother. After I had stormed downstairs this morning she followed me down and said ?I?ll behave nicely?, which just broke my heart.

I?m a regular mnetter but have changed my name.

Very much dobut the eardrum is your fault, and though it's not a good thing to lose your temper with a small child, lots of us have done it at some point.
But what a wanker your DH sounds. Does he think that you exist purely to service him or something?

well your dh has just won my prize of the week for being a fat lot of use!!! What a pillock - love the idea that he needs his sleep but it's ok for you to be a sleep deprived wreck. You poor thing - right, the eardrum is not your fault - she has an ear infection and that's why it's perforated.
You sound like you need some help in RL - do you have a mum or dare I say it mil who could help you out? Or a friend?

Poor you, I am sure you didn't cause the perforated ear drum, but thats probably what has caused her sleeplessness and grumpiness and by that same token yours.
It sounds to me, like she might need further antibiotics and your dh needs to shape up and help more.
If you have got the to the stage of hitting your dd, then its time to ask for help.

I am not a smacker myself, but do you mean a smack or a hit? Some people would think they are both wrong, but there are probably people on here who do smack and they might be of use, if that is what you have done

Dementia, just take a moment and try not to beat yourself up. Its very unlikely You perforated her eardrum, this happens quite often in children following on from an ear infactiona and on the whole tend to repair themselves. Do take her to the GP to get it checked though.
Sometimes everything just gets on top of you and it sounds as if dh isn't being the most helpful. You're also pregnant so all your hormones all over the place. Sounds as if you need some good sleep, is there anyone else, ie grandparents whocould have the children just for a night or 2 just to let you catch up on your sleep. As far as hitting her, well, that wouldn't have helped at all, but you know that anyway.

You took her to the drs for the ear infection and gave her the prescribed medication. She has been snotty and off colour and you did not instantly rush back to the drs the minute she mentioned her ear hurt. Now there are other symptoms you are taking her straight there. What else could you possibly have done. If I took the dcs to the dr every time they said something hurt, I would need a season ticket!

You do need to deal with the anxiety and the exhaustion. At least can you get an air mattress to sleep on so that you don't get kicked all night and can actually sleep. Are you taking anything for the anxiety?

It's tough when they're young and you're tired.

You sound like you're getting very little support from your dh either which will make matters worse.

It is wrong to scream at your dd but you already know that, the problem is that you are exhausted. I went through this with my eldest dd and did smack her once or twice in anger for which I felt very guilty about and still do (she doesn't remember it at all thank god).

Today is a new day.....do not raise your voice at her or smack her again, if she will understand then apologise to her and tell her you won't do it again, but mean it and find other ways to vent your frustration. Tell your dh that he must support you and help you at night, go and see your gp for extra help possibly, although you are pg so maybe some relaxation techniques might be an idea. Do you have any friends or family close by that could come and look after lo's while you get some rest?

Did you hit her round the head? I hope not but if you did then go and get her checked out at the GP - it could be a perforated eardrum or she could have a bad infection which is keeping her awake at night.
Massive hug for you anyway.

what happened today does not define you as a parent and it will not always be this hard - this too shall pass.

Yes, I agree with madamez ... your DH sounds like a git
If your little girl has been sleeping badly and cranky for ages she has obviously been unwell and the perforated eardrum probably means she has had an ear infection that has burst.
My DS has had a burst ear drum twice and it is awful in the build up but once it happened he felt better as the pressure was relieved (not a good way to go though, best to get antibiotics before it bursts as it can damage the ear drum with scarring if it happens too often).
I hope you manage to get more support from your git of a dh ...
It isn't your fault ...

I'm a SAHM and I'm very lucky to be able to send DD to a childminder twice a week. DH has a demanding job and has a particularly important piece of work going on right now. I think he feels that whilst he can't give the time he give the cash instead. He's fine with the other children but is crap with babies and toddlers. Whatever the rights and wrongs about it, there is, right now, nothing that I can do about DH. He's usually a bit better than this but he's very stressed right now. He's working 7 days a week and at the moment is out of the house before I wake up and home after I've gone to sleep.

No, I didn't hit her hard. I had a tiny scrap of sanity and control which stopped me from going that far, but I'm so scared that if there's a next time that chink of sanity and control will get ever smaller.

I just can't believe that I'm typing all of this. I love her so much, she's such a lovely little girl.

You poor thing. Sounds like you need to get quite a lot off your chest and need some serious support, which you aren't getting from DH. Can you talk to your GP honestly, or ask a health visitor to come over and let you just talk everything through, for starters? I assumed they were just for mums with newborns until I was having a very tough time when DD was nine months old and I didn't know what to do except call the health visitor's number and someone came round in a couple of days and helped me enormously, and put me in touch with other people who could help too. It was such a relief to be honest about how dreadful I was feeling about everything - I couldn't even begin to articulate it to DH or friends properly without sounding like a loony until then. If you have a third baby on the way they will want to make sure you can cope after it is born. If it looks like you are at the end of your tether and possibly even on the edge of antenatal depression, they will keep an eye on you. There is help out there and you aren't alone - you've taken the first brave step already by posting. Good luck with everything. xx

I see what you're saying about your dh - and you are right and very reasonable - but I feel that we (the posters on mumsnet) are here to point out to you that you have a very demanding job too and that you have three very important pieces of work in hand right now!

I know things are really, really hard - but don't worry you are going to hurt your daughter. You are very self aware, you know you are stressed and you will find strategies to cope. When is the new baby due?

Dementia my dd1 was nine months old when she started oozing green gunk from her ear. Her ear drum wasn't perforated, she had had an ear infection previously which I hadn't really noticed but was healing, and the ooze was a sign that it was getting better. She was fine!

Take her to the GP, but please don't worry, and don't blame yourself.

Thank you so much for the lovely posts, and for not telling me I?m a monster.

The local midwife is very nice and I'm seeing her later this week, so perhaps I could talk to her. I don't really know the health visitors and whilst my GP is fine, I don't particularly click with her. I am scared of having my medical records flagged up with tags like "depression" and "unstable". Silly, I know.

My mother is dead. My father isn't in very good health and couldn't cope with the children. My in-laws live abroad. My brother has a young family of his own and he and his wife work. The help I have is the help I pay for, which is making me feel very sad at the moment. If my mother was alive I?d be sobbing down the phone to her and she?d be telling me all about some incident from my own childhood that we all got through.

I live in a very gossipy suburb and I'm involved with the local church and am a school governor. I know it sounds ridiculous and I must seem very up myself, but I wouldn't want to confide in friends until I was over this and able to be breezy about it, IYSWIM. It could all turn into a travesty of an 18th century novel!

So apart from the midwife I don?t really want to confide in anyone else. Thank goodness for Mumsnet! I spent my last pregnancy (with DD) going to hospital all the time and saw a counsellor as there were worries about foetal abnormalities - although DD is fine. I really don?t want to spend the rest of this pregnancy with a diary full of appointments.

The baby is due early summer so I?m getting big but not yet waddling.

when you see the GP, ask for some calpol or something at the same time to help take the pain away and hopefully your little one will get some sleep. can u set up an airbed in your room for her rather than your bed so she is there with you but not in the same bed? i often think that if i had the room in my room i would set up a small bed for one of the three girls who often climb in my bed to sleep.

Oh hugs to you, don't feel bad my DD (now 2) had an ear infection that followed the same pattern a year ago. The pus is a good sign, my GP said, as it means the pressure in the ear is relieved.

AS for the other stuff we have all been there, I am in the early stages of pregnancy at the moment and my normally well sleeping, placid little girl has turned into Violet from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory due to teething her back molars. I lost my temper the other day and screamed at her to sleep (really helpful I know!), completely over the top but I was exhausted from the lack of sleep and doing battles with a toddler. Think back to your own childhood (esp if it was a normal one), I'm sure your folks lost their cool at times but you still love them?

She likes to be snuggled up with me so I don't think she'd like me on the airbed. I could put DS2 on the airbed so there's a bit more room - thanks.

Good idea about the Calpol.

quick hijack - congratulations milfakamonkey!!!hope it goes well this time.
(sorry dementia for the hijack)

dementia, dd2 was in A&E with horrific earache a couple of nights ago (though hers hasn't burst) and the dr reckoned that child-ibuprofen is thought to be more effective than calpol because of its anti-inflammatory properties. hope you're getting some r&r! x

Dementia, please also sleep when you can.

I bet you don't sleep when your dd is at the childminders? You should. Set aside some time on those days when you can get into YOUR bed on your own, make it smell nice (I spray my bed with perfume sometimes), warm or cool as you prefer, and have a really good nap.

and if your dd still naps on the other days, settle down yourself then too ?

I'm not surprised you're finding things tough with all those natural support networks absent and I can understand why you feel you don't want to be labelled in any way. Could you ask a friend to have the children occasionally to give you a chance to nap etc? You don't have to tell them anything about how you feel - just that you're tired. As you're pregnant - that's only to be expected and so you wouldn't be required to say anything else.

I think it's a really good idea to talk to your midwife - hope you get some good support there.

You say you are involved with your church. Is it the sort of community that would offer you some help?

I ask because I used to belong to a church (where we lived prior to moving here) where the community of mums was very strong. We used to cook meals and take them round to people who were pregnant or ill, we used to mind each other's children, do shopping etc etc. (I miss that because our local church community isn't like that).

You don't need to tell people what happened, but perhaps you could say you were unwell and sleep deprived and could do with some help/support. (IMO that is what church should be about).

That's a good idea 3littlefrogs - I am very involved in our church and I would hate to think of one of our church family struggling like dementia is when there are people ready and able to help

You are not alone in losing it when you are trying to cope with more than can be expected of one person.

I did a similar thing last year, struggling to cope with PND, a new baby and 2 older children and ended up hitting DS1s face which goes against everything I believe in as a parent.

For me that was the point at which I realised I had to ask for help, although I too had reservations about my medical records. I went to my GP who referred me on to the HV and her support was invaluable to me. Good luck x