So worried and ashamed that I may have hurt my child

[Dementia]

My DD (2.5) goes to a childminder twice a week. I?ve just had a call from the childminder saying that DD seems to have a perforated ear drum ? there is green pus coming out of the ear. She isn?t distressed and is playing happily, so the childminder is going to keep it clean and keep an eye on her. I?ll make an appointment for the GP to see her and make sure everything is ok.

DD had a slight ear infection a few weeks ago for which she had antibiotics. She told me a couple of days ago that her ear hurt but didn?t pursue it and didn?t mention it again.

For the past month or so (at least) she has been very snotty and slightly off colour. She has been sleeping very badly for a few months and ends up in our bed most nights. On bad nights I get no evening either, as often she won?t settle until I bring her into my bed and cuddle her.

I am pregnant and not sleeping well because of that, so DD?s sleep problems are making me feel much worse. Because of her lack of sleep (and perhaps not feeling well), DD can be very cranky during the day and she generally is a very feisty and strong-willed toddler.

My DH says that it?s my fault and my problem. He is busy and stressed at work and needs his sleep, so most nights he sleeps in our son?s bed and DS sleeps with me and DD. There?s not much room in the bed and I can?t get comfortable. DD sometimes wakes up and kicks so I need to sleep with my back to her. DH refuses to have anything to do with the whole sleep issue and is not talking to me.

So I?m demented with anxiety, hormones and exhaustion. I am being horrible to my other two children and spend a lot of the time crying. And the past two mornings I have lost my temper with her and screamed and screamed at her like a madwoman. And this morning I hit her. I am so ashamed and feel so guilty, and am desperately worried that the perforated ear drum is my fault. I will take her to the GP but if it?s all my fault, what will happen? Will her ear be alright?

She?s not doing anything that a toddler shouldn?t do ? the problem is that I?m not coping with her. The poor little thing is so lovely and deserves a nice mother. After I had stormed downstairs this morning she followed me down and said ?I?ll behave nicely?, which just broke my heart.

I?m a regular mnetter but have changed my name.

It's a good idea about the church, 3littlefrogs. Your parish sounds lovely. I'm not very good about asking for help, even though I know I wouldn't mind if someone asked me. We have set up a couple of groups but nothing really like the sort of thing you mention. There's CAFOD, SVP etc - we're just becoming more active, really. So asking for help through church would end up being the same thing as asking for help from a friend.

It's something to think about organising when I'm feeling more on top of things but I don't know if it's there for me at the moment.

To the OP - I wanted mainly to offer you sympathy as I know exactly what it is like to be faced with everything on your own with a similar DH.

My DH leaves for work at around 5.30am and returns, often at 11pm. He works 7 days a week and I have never seen a human being survive on so little sleep. What I have done is to set up a bedroom for him. He sleeps in there, all his clothes and his things are in there. He actually has nothing at all in "our" room. I am heavily pregnant and I have a LO who is nearly 2. My DS does not sleep!! Anyway, my (the main bedroom) contains: a big bed, a toddler bed and a cot. This is so that we can all sleep. DH sleeps in glorious isolation in his room and DS will sleep and wake up a few times, but go back to sleep because he is in bed with me. I find it sometimes helps to squash up a load of the duvet to put between you and any DC in bed with you as my DS accidentally kicks me in the bump and does tend to try and climb on me a bit. My DH cannot (will not?) change a nappy, ever, has never been responsible for a meal for DS etc etc... It is easy to label such a man a "bastard" and a totally inadequate husband/father etc and I did this for a while. However, it doesn't help, because essentially you (at breaking point) are asking someone for help who is also at breaking point (for totally different reasons). IMO, better to take the cash and pay for whatever help you need. In your situation, I think you need to pay for more help with whatever is giving you the most problems - whether than is a cleaner or mothers help or whatever.

FWIW I don't think you are "ill" with anxiety/depression whatever, I think that your response is a normal human response to a big lot of stress that is too much for one person to deal with. Hence the solution is to pay for as much help as you can.

This is a temporary solution, hopefully one day when DC older and DH work calms down, we might be more "normal"!!

You say your daughter has a perforated ear drum and that you hit her this morning. You then asked whether you caused the problem with the ear.

Well yes, I suppose you did if you hit her round the ear.

What will the doctor say? What do you think?

Bobbysmum, the OP's dd has been ill with an ear infection for a couple of weeks

a perforated eardrum is caused by a build up of pus behind the ear drum which then bursts to let out the inflammation

it's like saying someone smacking their daughter on the bottom could cause diarrhoea

OP I would concentrate on getting more sleep as a matter of urgency for your health and the wellbeing of your children

for instance, sleep while your dd is at the childminder

go to bed early every night and try to rejig the sleeping arrangements so that you are more comfortable and rested

will not comment on dh's behaviour as you say this isn't something you can change at the moment - I would think again about that when you are less immmediately tired, though. It shouldn't be something you have to put up with indefinitely because you feel you have no choice

make sleep your priority and see if things improve - if not, seek some help from whoever you feel most likely to give you what you need

I very much doubt that you had anything to do with the pus coming out - that's what happens after a long infection as others have said.

I think you need to ask for help - you don't have to say that you're depressed but it's okay not to cope occasionally. People won't think you're weak, they'll be pleased that you asked. It shows you trust people if you ask for their help.

That is (I thought) what being a member of a church is all about, to belong to a member of a community that cares for one another.

Bobbysmum - I am not sure that your comment was very helpful a response to someone who seems to be going through a tough patch at the moment.

OP - I do hope that you got some help at the GP's and that your DD is feeling a bit better.

I also an a non smacker and smacked my DS1 (2.11) in anger about three weeks ago, it was not hard. I feel really bad feelings of shame and guilt and cried for a long while after, but things had got on top of me too. I have not even come close to repeating the perfomace and it has strenthened my resolved not to smack.

Very helpful post Bobbysmum.

No, I doubt very much that you perforated her eardrum, it does sound as if she has had an ear infection for a while, and they get to a certain point and perforate due to the pressure behind the eardrum, that's when all of the pus and gunk comes out. (This will ease the pain, as the pain is caused by the pressure.) HTH.

If there's pus coming out of it then there's an ear infection and clearly the antibiotics didn't clear it up properly. If hitting a child in the morning can cause an ear infection by midday then it'll be a new discovery for medical science, whatever bobbysmum supposes.

You do need to look at what led you to hit your DD, especially as she'll probably have been in significant pain for the last day or two (the pain is always worst before the eardrum goes, and when that relieves the pressure they seem to feel better almost immediately) and that will probably have contributed to her challenging behaviour (including sleep problems). But then you know that already.

There's very unlikely to be any lasting damage. DS almost always bursts an eardrum when he gets an ear infection, whether treated with antibiotics or not, so we've been through a fair few of them and his hearing is perfectly normal (i.e. shows an apparent inability to hear "DS, can you tidy that up, please?" until it's repeated three times but can hear the word "chocolate" whis[ered very quietly in the next room ).

Oh, and I agree with Franny on the other stuff.

"If hitting a child in the morning can cause an ear infection by midday then it'll be a new discovery for medical science, whatever bobbysmum supposes."

Hang on a minute, where the hell did I say that?

This person posted a message asking whether she could have caused her daughter's ear drum to perforate after hitting her this morning.

Obviously she must have thought it was a possibility otherwise she wouldn't have mentioned it.

I think it's irresponsible - no dangerous - to take a stance here, especially when you're doing it to sound saintly. This is an internet message board for Christ's sake. You haven't seen the kid and you don't know the situation. For all you know, she could have burst the kids' ear drum.

Thanks for your pearls of wisdom about ear infections, by the way.

where the hell did I say that?

"Well yes, I suppose you did if you hit her round the ear."

The OP hit her "this morning". By 11.57 there was pus coming out of the ear. It's perfectly possible to perforate an eardrum by hitting round the ear. It's not possible to induce an infection that bad in the space ofa couple of hours by hitting once round the ear. The overwhelming likelihood is that the ear infection perforated the eardrum.

Unless, of course, you have seen the kid and you do know the situation? If so, sorry, that didn't come across from your OP.

The poster must have thought it was a possibility otherwise she wouldn't have mentioned it, yes. There have been posters on here who've wondered if they've, say, caused their child's SN through something they did. It's a natural parenting reaction. It doesn't mean that they have, or that there's any scientific evidence that it's even a theoretical possibility.

Hahahahahahahaha at the idea of my ever sounding saintly.

Frankly I don't think the issue here is even whether the OP did perforate the eardrum. She has got to a state where she has repeatedly screamed at her DD and has ended up hitting her when her DD will have been reacting to the amount of pain she's in. You will have noticed that I suggested that that was a bad thing and something that needed to be dealt with. I don't think that was irresponsible or dangerous.

Thanks again for being so supportive.

The GP was lovely. She said it was glue ear and antibiotics won't help. Just keep it clean and come back in a week when hopefully it will be less gloopy, so she can see the ear drum. DD has been very snotty for a good month, as well as the recent ear infection, so I guess this is what has caused the glue ear and possible perforation.

It's probably quite good for me that there is still this little niggle of worry that it's my fault . I treated her horribly and if an imaginary consequence helps me keep my temper under better control, then so be it.

I agree that I need to deal with DH when things have calmed down. He has been like this with all of our children, only getting better when they are about 4. I fought it (unsuccessfully) when the first 2 were little and then when we had DD I decided to just embrace having her to myself. So now he says that it's my fault that he has no relationship with her .

I don't think she has perforated her eardrum, I did once and it was AGONY, she would seriously not be happily playing. Definitely get to the doctor though because ear infections can perforate the drum as in my case.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, as someone said "this too shall pass"... learn from it and forgive yourself.

I hope you are feeling better
x

well tell him now's his big chance to build a relationship with dd because you are at breaking point. Yeah, he's got a lot on at work but you work bloody hard too - it's just that your work is unpaid and unrecognised.

I mean, sheesh, I used to work full time in a very demanding/senior job and I didn't pretend it gave me the right to ignore my son or opt out of all involvement!

Dementia,
So sorry to hear that you're going through this. What about if you were near one of us and could meet up for a coffee or chat?? Would that help any?

that's a good idea - very roughly where are you?

I once had a perforated eardrum caused by a blow to the head (domestic violence situation).

It didn't particularly hurt at the time although it made the ear 'ring' - but several days later I was in severe pain & had pus coming out of my ear - the impact apparently had compressed the air within the ear, causing the drum to perforate. This then became infected.

So I shouldn't imagine there's any way your hitting dd could have caused the problem. I suppose if pus was already building up it might at a pinch have caused the existing infection to burst - which would have probably happened within a day or so anyway.

Catkin - that's a kind offer but I wouldn't meet up under my Dementia identity! If I do decide to confide in anyone in RL it will be someone who has a professional obligation of confidentiality.

Edam - I know, I know. He's usually lovely but I think he's missing out on so much with this attitude he has, and the way he responds to pressure. It's something for a whole other thread if I can face it.

DD has just gone to bed, with all the gloop cleaned off her hair and ear. She was in a very good mood and I am so thankful that she is emotionally ok.

Catkin and NorthernLurker - didn't mean to sound ungrateful or shifty. When I first meet people I like them to see my "together" side, rather than cracking-up and full of maternal guilt. That's for way down the line in a friendship!

I have a good friend who isn't local but her circumstances are very different to mine, and she wouldn't really understand. And she's having a bit of a "life's great and I'm a bit smug about it" phase and whilst I'm very happy for her I don't want to involve her with my troubles.

That's fair enough dementia

Dimentia, I can realy relate to your situation as it sounds like a similar set up to mine. Once you have got over this ear infection, it might be worth considering sorting out the sleep thing for everyone (kids in their own beds etc) as when your baby comes s/he could disrupt everyones sleep and that will make everything worse for everyone. I can speak from experience as DD used to sleep with me and when DB came along and woke for night feeds she would wake too and we had a few months of her being a right misery as well as the new baby.

ds3 has had repeated perforated and weepy eardrums. Every cold for a while

How are you feeling today, Dementia? Well done for seeing the GP. I know exactly what you mean about only wanting people to see your 'together' side. I did that when I had PND with my DD, although I didn't recognise that's what it was for a long time cos I was extremely anxious rather than down. I kept on smiling and telling everyone I was 'fine' - such a deadly word!
When I finally got some help and fessed up, my friends were a) astonished b) pretty upset that I hadn't confided in them so they could help and c) a couple of them subsequently admitted they felt the same and got help too - they'd all been looking at me as a paragon of coping, cheerful motherhood. I won't make that mistake next time round.
And I don't know anyone with small kids who has a DH who they would describe as really understanding, truly supportive and helpful, and who puts his partner and family before work. I just don't think they get it, it doesn't make them bad people.
Be gentle with yourself. As someone wiser than me said earlier on this thread, 'this too shall pass'. xx