Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

Thank you for starting this.
I am currently battling the effects of my Mother dying.
She was awful to me until the end (I said: 'I won't say 'goodbye' Mum, I'll say 'au reviour' & she turned to my Ds & said how 'stuck up (she) is for speaking French'
(actually - almost - funny, but some of her other deathbed remarks were not)
My Dad & Brother are continuing to put the boot in, having been well trained.

@54isanopendoor I'm so sorry. Every comment seems like a fresh stab to the heart, doesn't it? Even the ones supposedly said "in jest". At least you see them (all of them) for what they are. Hope you are able to 'grey rock' your D & B, so that at least some (though I know not all) of their arrows hit the wall and bounce off.

Love and best wishes to you x

@54isanopendoor you're nearly free kick the others into the long grass ASAP don't become a victim to them

I participated on the old thread. Thank you for starting the new one.

I find it fascinating how many similar characteristics these people display. I look at so many posts and think "you could be me".

Yes, yes, yes!

I thought my mother was quite unique, but I can hear her voice and comments in so many of your posts.

Another repeating pattern was a sudden outbreak of pleasantness and apparent kindness. I would let my guard down, feel that perhaps I myself had been a bit harsh on her and needed to be a bit more tolerant then suddenly from nowhere, the emotional knife would be whipped out and a spiteful or cruel comment would be made when I was least prepared. Almost like building me up so she could knock me down again?

Yes I experience that. She’ll make a scene, I’ll react, then she’ll claim I turned on her….exhausting.

Thank you for the new thread. I'm upset that so many of us have had DMs like mine.

There is something in the Guardian today about parentified children and the struggle for decent relationships which rings true for me for most of my life.

She was critical of one of her friends in particular how this friend did too much for her children. Like parent or babysit her grand children. This friend didnt come to her funeral or send flowers after nearly 60 years of my mothers version of friendship.

I cannot get over my resentment towards her. How she delighted in things going wrong for me and often engineered it.

I was never a real person in my own right to her. She didnt even know things like my favourite colour.

She used to complain that my DF spent hours helping me to read. If my DF bought me some chocolate he had to buy her something otherwise she would start screaming. Who would be jealous of a small child having a bag of candy?

For her constant focus on having more all the time she never did anything. I could not magic anything up for the padre to say at her funeral. No holidays, no hobbies, no friends, no community.

Thanks for the new thread

Thank you for the new thread, a couple of other things have sprung to mind. A sneering hatred of "spoiled brats".

Spoiled brat number one: my cousin's breastfed baby who at six months old wouldn't take a bottle.
Spoiled brat number two: my six year old next door neighbour who got some roller boots because she was very upset when she had four teeth out.

My parents "wouldn't have put up with that nonsense" with me. Who on earth thinks of a little baby or a frightened child as a spoiled brat.

Changed username to post this as I made it for another site where people know me. Please feel free to use it as a bingo card next time you have to deal with your narc mum. Sympathies to all who need it.

Spoiled brat number two: my six year old next door neighbour who got some roller boots because she was very upset when she had four teeth out

i remember being taken to the dentist for 4 teeth out. Must have been about 7, had already had 2 out so knew what was coming. Was terrified, got a bit teary and emotional.

reaction? Stop being stupid over a such a silly little thing. You’re making a scene and showing me up/behaving really badly. Etc. got “the stare” to make sure I knew she was angry with me.

can’t imagine sitting coldly in a chair while my child was worried about a medical procedure, only thinking to dole out punishment for not being docile and obedient.

as a young child my mother would go psycho on me now and again for no reason. Then later she’d ‘apologise’….‘I shouldn’t have done that sorry’…followed immediately by ‘now are you going to say sorry to me?’ Sorry for the minor or imaginary slight of doing something that sent her into a psychotic rage. Gaslighting at its finest.
when I was being bullied at school she didn’t console me, she recorded my sobbing secretly then played it back to me when I’d calmed down to remind me of how much of a ‘pathetic baby’ I was

Love this.

‘I never said that’ 😂😂 you did tho. I mean, you literally just did say that…

The narc bingo missed out the silent treatment for weeks on end

I have quoted my dm's sayings back to her and she comes back with a contrary 'as YOU said' putting her words back on me, like I've conjoured them up in my imagination.

thank you for posting this. I’m actually chuckling to myself because these are SO spot on! Again, I can hear her voice in each one.

”I'm all on my own”
That was a favourite. I always wanted to reply, “And why do you think that is?” But I never did!

“You’ll be sorry when I’m gone”
Our version was, “When I’m dead, you’ll regret how you spoke to me!” Hang on, YOU started the row and said the hurtful things to ME! Was I supposed to just nod my head and accept it? Pretty unpleasant when I was an adult, but she used to throw this one in when I was a child too.

Followed by the, “You must have imagined it!” or “You’ve made that up!”
No, you’ve literally just said it but now you’ve very skilfully made me hesitate and doubt my own hearing or recollection of events.

Thanks for the new thread.

I had that many times, but the bingo is quoting things she said ;)

I found my mums behaviour got worse when we hit our teens/early twenties. It was when we started to get independent. She wasn't a terrible mother when we were little in the sense we were well fed and clean, she took us out, etc, but emotionally she wasn't there, everything was about appearances and what other people would think of her, so she played the devoted selfless mother in public, in private she didn't recognise us a people. She wouldn't even know what our favourite colour was or what subjects we did at school. she just wasn't interested.
I honestly wonder whether the issues only really started because there was just a complete failure on her part to see us as people in our own rights. It was like she couldn't move from parent mode to adult relationship mode. She just couldn't grasp that her word was no longer law and we wouldn't do stuff just because she decreed it. That we were no longer dependent on or needed her the way a young child needs their mother. that we were no longer a reflection of her.

Yes I found mine got a lot worse once I started secondary school in 40 years I have had 2 nice comments (so rare I remember them) and one was said sarcastically so it’s only really the one. However she is all over my brothers girlfriend wants to spend time with her and can say nice things to her. Never me it is so bizarre I cannot begin to imagine treating my daughter the same. And regular silent treatments which is really kind blowing for a child who gets those for doing something positive like coming top in an exam

@IMadeNarcMumBingo The bingo card is absolute genius. Thank you! Thank you also for posting the links to this and the previous thread on the current 'Stately Homes' thread; that was very kind of you.

For anyone who hasn't encountered it, the 'Stately Homes' threads are a bastion of experience and wisdom for those from abusive families (its name has its origin in one of the founding posters, whose parents undermined their foul treatment with the prize gem "well, we took you to stately homes!", as if that somehow meant they they were loving and appropriate parents. Hmmm.). There are many full threads stored within MN, but the currently-running one is here: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4531618-April-2022-well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes?page=33

It's another friendly board where you can feel welcome and understood.

Best wishes to you all. x

“I’d love you if you were more like your sister.”
said to me many many times in my teens. I sobbed my self to sleep listening to “Sorry seems to be the hardest word” by Elton John for all my teen years. Heartbreaking.

The song still triggers me into feeling that absolute heartbreak. I am so broken and suffer from huge mental illness as a result.

I think it is common that DMs like this get worse/are worse when their daughters get older. My DM was always so jealous of me even as a young child but she got unbearable as I got older.

She always insisted that really my friends were her friends. But when I left home not one of them came to see her. Not one of them has ever said anything about her (except in passing to me that she wasn't a very good mother) and yet they all remember my DF fondly.

She hated me going out, having any kind of a life, being popular, doing well. All the things you wish for your child surely? But she saw me as competition from the beginning.

I agree.

My mother used to love babies because their needs were straightforward and fairly simple. Bottle. Changing. Cuddle. Sleep. Once they started developing their own individuality and personalities, I could see her starting to struggle relating to them - especially when they were less biddable and more challenging. Her solution was to immediately lash out and smack. When mine were toddlers and had a temper tantrum, she would straight away tell me that a quick slap would stop it and, “that I never had any issues like that with you”
She also had no patience with children asking genuine questions to acquire understanding and knowledge. Her view was that they should sit quietly in the corner with a book or entertain themselves without any adult interaction.

There’s definitely an element of rivalry in these mother’s minds once a daughter becomes an independent young adult. I honestly think it’s because they fear their time as alpha female is over - which is ridiculous and should be one of the best times in a mother/daughter relationship.