Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

Certainly a strong theme of misogyny against other females from these women - including their own daughters to an extent. When I was a child, she talked a lot about me hopefully marrying a doctor and living in a rural idyll somewhere - the perceived social status of having a doctor as a SIL really appealed to her! Absolutely no encouragement to achieve anything based on my own skills or ability.

My mother always bitched about successful/ambitious women, either accusing them of being hard (“men don’t like hard women”) man-haters or even lesbians! She could never acknowledge that someone might have achieved because they were good at their job, a hard worker, intelligent. It was because they “knew someone” or “were lacking something in their private life”

In the 60s, she worked for a short time in personnel and proudly boasted that she never recommended the appointment/promotion of a woman over a man “because women always got married and pregnant and then left” So sadly, not only were females pushing against a patriarchal society, but some of their own sisters doing them a disservice too.

My mother has a really negative attitude to my daughter. Because she’s had a few long term relationships she is a slut basically in my mothers eyes. Because she has male friends she’s considered dubious. She’s very attractive but my mother just criticises her for what she wears as she considers her clothes slutty. Presents are ankle length skirts which go straight to the charity shop. It breaks my heart .

I think she’s basically jealous. How sad is that?

Again, so much of this resonates. My mother dislikes nearly every woman she’s ever met, and even those she hasn’t.

Patriarchy needs these women to prop up male domination.
/

Yes, my mother is hugely invested in the patriarchy and hates to see women in senior roles in business or politics.

It is all very sad.
I realise I have been brought up to hate other women ( including myself).
Through hard and often painful healing work I have come to love women, recognise the power and wisdom in sisterhood, and love sharing in the success and joy ( also the sorrow) of my fellow woman.
It would have been good to reach this place in my earlier life, but I am glad I have arrived.
No one taught me what a beautiful work and sharing women can do when they connect and support each other. I have a place of joy now in my heart for other women. Going through a whole life never to know that is heartbreaking.

I can't even believe I'm typing this as I'm absolutely disgusted by what my mum said . She accused the girls in the jimmy savile abuse scandal of throwing their self's at him! She was utterly vile .when I told her she was being out off order the silent treatment started

OMG, my mother actually said almost exactly the same when the news broke about Saville, that the those reporting abuse should be “ashamed of themselves” and why on earth were they bothering to bring it up after all this time? That these things were better left in the past.
That caused a big row between us but she was completely entrenched in her view
Victim shaming. Another undesirable trait of NPD.

I knew a lovely studio photographer my fiance wanted a picture of me so went to the studio. It was a lovely picture fiance thrilled. Unbeknownst to me my mother went to the studio. Artfully made up fake tan etc. The result was fine, Mum went mad the pictures were awful. Honestly they showed an attractive 41 year old woman and a fresh faced 19 year old accurately.

He was our wedding photographer on this I got my way. He did say my mum was very demanding but he couldn't make her look 20 again. Today of course he could,😂

Also same here. And that the victim in Prince Andrew's case was "no angel" and "clearly asking for it". This would not sit well with me in any case, but particularly as a victim of such abuse myself (which apparently she knew of and did nothing about). I had a rare moment of courage and said "No, mother, children do not ask to be raped, nor do they enjoy it."

She was unwise enough to repeat such nonsense to a friend, whose response was enough to shut down further remarks. MY remarks just brought stony silence and the old cat's-bum expression though. Bizarre, but sadly I can't say that I was completely surprised.

Same here. Once girls hit puberty they all turn into "Lolitas" as far as she is concerned, and the poor men are all Humbert Humberts who are ensnared by these conniving creatures. I could never face reading the book, but recently I tried. I couldn't finish it, as it made me feel sick. But I certainly did not come away feeling that Lolita had actually led him on.

Yep my mum hates women too, It hugely coloured my relationships with other women until much later in life. She is vicious in her criticism of women
I have successfully raised kids and run a house solo for 37 years but she still goes to my brother for financial advice or help. because "well he a man so he will know". Whatever I say she doubts and double-checks, it's frustrating.
I can't bear being in her company for more than an hour because everything she says is negative, hateful, and bitter. she literally doesn't have a good word to say about anyone apart from her son and grandson who don't even bother with her that much, yet the sun shines out of their arses.

reesewithoutaspoon my mother does this too. If she needs help or information she will always ask my OH.
I have mentioned often that I am the one who deals with the finances in our house OH and I pr6efer it that way, I enjoy looking around for bargains, best deals insurance and utility deals, best interest for savings etc. It is very satisfying when I can shave off a few hundred pounds over house expenditure.
If my mother recieves a letter from a GP or bank she keeps it until she can ask my OH.
My OH gets annoyed too- he can see she is asking because he is a man and usually says something like " You are best talking to speakout, she knows more than I do about this".
I see the way my mother squirms listening to OH and I talk. We speak plainly to each other (rarely argue- have a great relationship).
I may say " I noticed the front door was left unlocked overnight again after you took the bins out, I am worried it may be a security risk"
OH may reply " OH I will double check next time, no problem"
My mother finds it embarrassing that I speak to my OH like this, she will giggle and usually say " Oh what is she like!" ( giggling), "she has always been the bossy one" girlish giiggling again.
"my mum hates women too, It hugely coloured my relationships with other women until much later in life. She is vicious in her criticism of women"
It is horrible isn't it.
My mother bad mouths her best friend on a daily basis. I don't mind her talking about her friends, but there is never- and I mean never a positive comment comes out of my mother's mouth.
"She has had her hair done- what a mess"
" No one likes her, even her family hate her"
"She is such a snob"
" I can't stand that woman"
I have said to my mother that I feel uncomfortable when I hear her bad mouthing her friends, but that is of no significance to her.
I have struggled in my adult life to make female friends, and I know part of it is the conditioned thought patterns which my mother has set up in me - that I should distrust other women, they are only out to bring me down, compete with me, steal my man.
I am still working to overcome it but have come a long way. I have some lovely friends, attend a women's circle. and chat with friends most days.
My life has been enriched hugely by opening my heart to women.
Something my mother will never experience.

Yep. The deference to men.
Mother always valued OHs opinion over mine. If I came a decision about something, she would ask me whether I had asked OH and did he agree? “I don’t think Mr JPP would approve of that” or “Does MrJPP know about that”

When she gave me my £50 birthday cheque (always the same every year) she made it out jointly, without fail, “in case MrJPP gets jealous”! Even though it was supposedly my present and he is never, ever tricky about money anyway!

When I left my first husband - who was also on the NPD scale - she took it upon herself to contact him and keep him informed about my plans. She also gave him my new phone number which I had intentionally kept from him in order for him to contact me through solicitors only. I found out later that she’d also told my ex that I didn’t know what I was doing, I didn’t know my own mind and that I’d left him under duress from my current DH! I never worked out whether she genuinely believed I was so vulnerable that I could be easily manipulated or she was interfering in the hope that she could prevent our divorce.

Hats off to you. I don’t know how you live with your mother. I have to screw myself up for weeks to see mine for a couple of hours. When I see her with OH , she directs her conversation to him and puts me down constantly if I express an opinion. Then she complains I don’t say anything .

Its really sad that so many women were brought up to see other women as rivals and competition. When a woman sees her own daughter as a rival it’s even sadder.

@SilverLiningPlaybook just stop going. Say she or anyone started hitting on your DH sexually would you tolerate that? That's what they're doing hitting on men in their own twisted way.

There's plenty of books out there as well as a sizeable number of posts on here that validate your shutting down this relationship.

I go as little as I can, believe me!

Oh my word I have never felt so validated in my entire life.

I'm almost 40 and have struggled with the effects of my mothers 'parenting' all this time. Only recently I can see it, after months and months of therapy to try and work out why I am such a people pleaser, such a doormat, sacrificing my own happiness and mental health so I don't upset others.

Everything resonates on here with me. The angry outbursts especially. I'd be sobbing on the stairs at 8 yrs old because I was so frightened to go to school and instead of the nurture I needed, I got a hairbrush thrown at my face and told to 'get a grip and toughen up'.

I struggle to leave her with my own young children, I can see the same behaviour with them. I've never seen her apologise... she'll just randomly turn up with some money as a 'treat' or take us out for a meal.

I'm struggling with my mental health currently, I'm off work. She found out and said 'just think positive and be thankful for the things you have. You've healthy children, and a house you own and a husband'... thanks mam that helps.

Anyway, sorry to go on. I felt I needed to vent 🙈🙈 I'm so sorry so many people experienced similar upbringings and I'm so glad I found this thread.

Love to all xx

lemonmeringue85 this is a validating thread isn't it- I feel the same way - it is very supportive- sad to see others have suffered too, but makes me feel less like an outsider.
Like you I have never left my (now adult) children with my mother. And now they are grown they can see all her bullshit too.
It is never too late for healing, I have been on a healing journey since my children were born, but it is really only in the past 6 months- with amazing talking therapy that I have been able to dig deep enough and have clarity.
There are ways to heal, for me working with my inner child has help- give mothering and support to your past self- that can make you feel better in the here and now.
Childhood trauma leaves a legacy of maladaptive coping mechanisms.
But these are not you- and things can change, there are lots of ways you can re route your thinking and emotional response.
It sucks when our mother writes off our feelings- exactly like my mother.
A very close family member struggles with severe depression. My mother tells him "just think happy thoughts- look at me, am I down? I like to look at pictures of kittens when I am sad and make myself happy"
I cringe when she gives out this "help"- she has not a glimmer of empathy or understanding.
As children of NPD parents we have a lot to unpick- it is hard work and can be challenging, but there is every reason to be hopeful for a brighter future.

@lemonmeringue85 @speakout Its an amazingly validating thread, isn’t it?
My DH and my adult DCs saw her in action and knew exactly what I meant about her, but only another person who has actually and unfortunately lived with and through the multi faceted behaviour of an NPD parent will truly ‘get’ the subtle and not always so subtle chipping away at your very being.
Even though we don’t know each other, I feel a strong kinship with and am gaining so much strength from all your posts. Whilst nothing from the past can be changed and it was still so wrong, understanding why she behaved like she did has given me some peace and helps me come to terms with things. I’ve spent so much time over the years overanalysing why she treated me this way but this thread is encouraging me just to accept it was a flaw in her personality and not anything I myself could have changed - if that makes any sense?

Can anyone who has done reparenting share what they have done that works?
I'm unclear where to even start on this.

It totally makes sense and thanks so much for your regular contributions btw….I always thought it was me as my sister was treated totally differently. Only realised when I was 35 and had my own baby girl that ‘this is so wrong. now doing very mindful parenting (whilst feeling blessed) as despite all of the therapy I’ve had I do still get triggered when the kids are being terrors and can hear my mothers voice coming out of me at times when I’m tired and at end of tether. And it’s horrific. I always genuinely apologise and explain and talk about how the behaviour led to that after if I shout (the ‘rupture and repair’ method) as we all lose our patience at times we’re not saints but I feel as a daughter of a mentally unbalanced mother (mines more BPD than NPD) that I’m scared that anything I do ‘wrong’ will scar them for life.

Just had to visit her today as moral support for my sis who was going there with her son.
So she's all smiley and playing up to her grandson, not at all like her usual prickly negative self, and has even laid on food, (because she doesn't want the penis person to think bad of her) usually your lucky to even get offered a drink.
So the food comes out and it's still cold in the middle. So I just say "This is a little bit cold in the middle mum, can I put it back in the oven for a few minutes" and she lost her shit.
mum in her passive-aggressive tone."oh I can't do anything right according to you, I honestly don't know why I bother" then looking at her grandson "Listen to her moaning about cold food, seems to think she's come to a Michelin-starred restaurant"

Making a big show of taking the plates back and storming into the kitchen. " "Shall I eat it for you as well"
Total over reaction to the situation, but she obviously took it as some sort of criticism.

I did it with a hypnotherapist as well as a clinical psychologist. It can be done self- led though if you’re able, but best advice is get on a NHS list for talking therapy if you’re struggling and they can put you with someone’s who can assess your situation holistically. But basically it’s about reaching into your own inner child as the adult you are now, and telling her she’ll be okay, it wasn’t her fault, she is loved, what Steve you need to hear from the adult you are now. It’s basically enabling you to parent the child that’s within you to make that child feel safe enough to come into the adult world xx that’s my experience anyway. I’m not a MH professional but I have read and listened to so much stuff and also been through four rounds of clinical psychology and one self-paid hypnotherapy xx