Thanks for this thread. I read all of the old one last night. I started therapy this summer as a result of a breakup and what’s coming out of it is that whilst I always knew my mother can be difficult and nasty, I now know that she has narcissistic personality disorder, as I believe my ex did too.
There is a book called ‘Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers’ by Karyl McBride. My therapist recommended it and it’s been really eye-opening, as are some online resources.
It’s both upsetting and comforting to see so many familiar experiences here. My mother triangulated myself and my sister, I was the scapegoat and she was golden child. My sister has grown up to be a narcissist too, with a very entitled and aggressive energy, and she is triangulating her own two kids. Both DS and DM married enablers. My dad is lovely but it was always ‘don’t upset your mother’ ‘she’s stressed’ and growing up seeing him never stand up to verbal abuse, his or mine, has certainly done a number on me.
The weird hair control thing is a familiar one- my hair was hacked short every year and it looked horrible. My sister was allowed to grow hers. She’s still horrible about my hair.
A recent exchange went like this:
DM- (randomly) ‘Your hair is ugly like that. It’s all dry and frizzy’
Me- ‘Please don’t say nasty things about my hair.’
DM- ‘I didn’t say anything about your hair.’
Me- ‘You literally just did.’
DM- (wailing) ‘Oh you’re so dramatic! Don’t be so sensitive, no wonder you’re not married, no-one could stand to live with you; I’m afraid to speak in my own house!’