Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

I get it (kind of) if the mothers haven't been mothered but we weren't mothered and we are good mothers.

My mother had an excellent DM much to my detriment really. She was adored by her family.

My DM would speak and act as if she were a child. Screaming if she didn't get her own way or if I pulled her up on something, crying if I got chocolate from my DF and she didn't, sulking and being nasty, hoarding food from people, making sure she always got more or the best of whatever was going, encouraging me to parent her. She was spiteful and laughed at upset. But also giggled ridiculously around men who may have noticed her.

At 50 she called herself a "girl". At the same time as moving into a retirement complex.

Whereas we've stepped up. We've mothered and put our DC first. We want better for them. Our DCs see us as a place of comfort and love. We are awesome!

I get it (kind of) if the mothers haven't been mothered but we weren't mothered and we are good mothers.

That does seem curious doesn't it.

My mother raised two of us- both daughters. My sister has turned into a mini version of our mother while I ( hopefully) have not,

My sister also had two daughters, one of them is a narc and one not.
Could narcissism lend itself to certain innate personality types I wonder?

yes it has to start somewhere maybe it is a personality trait and maybe we should stop trying to figure it out narcs are just awful people aren’t they just horrible no consideration for anyone else i despise them and im not a hateful person 💞💞💞

I’m so sorry to read this, that must have been devastating. I hope you know it was her problem not you. Awful woman. Sending love xx

Can anyone tell me a bit more about Motherwound and inter generational trauma and how to break the cycle?

I don't have a great relationship with my mum and she is NC with her own mother (my grandmother) whose mother (my great grandmother) walked out on her family. I'm not sure how old my grandmother was when her mother left. She did have contact with her as an adult because my mum remembers her grandmother babysitting her.

Having read this thread my mum isn't as bad as many of yours but there are definite narcissistic traits. In her eyes i am somehow "less" than everyone else. I'm 33 and despite her saying some truly horrific things over the years she's never once apologised for her behaviour.

I have two DDs of my own and I'm terrified of my girls thinking of me in the way I think of my mum. My oldest is 10 and is starting to become challenging with the pre teen hormones etc etc. I don't want to become highly critical or a nagging mum. I want to have a good relationship with my girls. I do my absolute best to be calm and gentle but I was parented by a "shouty" and highly critical mum so I don't really know how to effectively parent through the pre-teen/teen years where there will be a lot of boundary pushing from an age group where things like time outs no longer work.

Any help or advice would be much appreciated.

MissMistyy there are a few good youtube channels that explain the motherwound and how to heal.

My favourite is Bethany Webster https://www.youtube.com/@motherwoundhealing

Terri Cole and Kim Sage are worth watching too.

@speakout your comment about the hairdresser made me laugh (sorry!). My mum did exactly the same - she demanded my hairdresser’s details and has moaned ever since about the time I ruined her hair and have always been jealous of her lovely blonde hair.
Same with the Electician, garage, and decorator. I do these things on purpose apparently!

Something else my mother likes to do is badmouth all my friends, especially anyone who I might have met up with or been in touch with recently. And she complains that I don’t include her in any of these arrangements too. Bonkers.

Hugs & flowers to you all xxx

Good morning all. I am so sorry that I have not interacted with this thread of late. I have been experiencing some struggles which have made it difficult for me to engage much with anything in a helpful way. But I have valued and appreciated all your great wisdom and insight on here. You are amazing.

My latest delight is that I will shortly be in the delightful position of having to deliver a speech of celebration and praise of my M in her presence to an invited audience. I tried to shift this onto my brother but no joy. I honestly can't think of a single thing that I want to say. Thinking of just getting the dog to do a little dance to distract everyone while I leg it out the side door.

The only small relief I have had is that my brother has recently had something of an epiphany. He overheard screaming hysterics in my direction about insurmountable difficulties in living and various dire consequences for me which, as soon as he entered the arena, became "absolutely no problem at all". He wasn't deceived. Small comfort though that is, is is comfort nonetheless.

I've set up a new thread for anyone that would like it here: Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 3 | Mumsnet

Sending you love, strength and hopes for happier times ahead. xxx

Gosh. That speech sounds like an unbearably tough assignment. I hope you can think of something to say (although a doggy dance might be the better option!)

It sounds awful that you have to make a speach about your DM its allmost that you have to lie because you can’t find the nice things to say good luck with it
maybe we should all make a stand and tell the truth to there face i dont think i could do it i would have to refuse its the control thing that gets me controlling and manipulative xxx

01Name Thanks for the new thread.

I am sorry you have found yourself in a position to give a speech about your mother.
I'm afraid it would be a no from me.
Words of false praise would stick in my throat .
I have come to value my authenticity, and I know if I did as expected I would end up paying a different way- it would fuel my anxiety and cause me to have a low mood for some time afterwards.
Implementing boundaries and saying no to people we love is very difficult, but is sometimes essential when we seek inner peace.

Sorry for going AWOL yesterday, it was a hellish day at work.

Do your mothers also do the splitting thing? Someone is either all good, or all bad? And that can change in an instead. My mum (and dad) always know the best plumber/hairdresser/electrician etc etc. Anyone we choose is bad, a 'rip off'.

I'm so glad I'm not talking to the arseholes at the moment lol

I thought I’d removed DM from my Instagram. She’s just liked my post of my garden. Probably doing that so I wish her a happy birthday next week.

Oh how annoying!
My mother has started to message my teenage daughter in response to any photos of the children she sees on social media

My DD I’m sure has been updating her though. My DD is being trained by her.

'I didn't think I needed to do that to let you know I'm interested in your life. I assumed you knew.'

In response to my confronting her with the fact that although as her carer I do practically everything for her she never takes any interest in my life: never asks me how my day was, how work is, how I'm coping with losing my cat recently, rarely thanks me for what I do, never asks whether I'm managing (I'm not), literally no interest shown in any aspect of my life. I cook her dinner (having done all the meal planning and prep because she refuses to take any interest in her own wellbeing) and eat with her so she has company and unless I make the effort to make conversation the meals take place in sullen silence as she won't tear her eyes off the TV (won't eat anywhere except in front of the TV). She shows ZERO interest in what is happening in my life and then plays the victim when I tell her it's hurtful. And then wonders why I feel like I'm nothing but a servant to her. And then proceeds to act all hurt and upset when I call this behaviour out because she has to be the victim always.

The reason I don't feel she's interested in my life is because she isn't, but I can only imagine the histrionics if I said that to her outright.

@EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon this is so incredibly familiar. My mother has absolutely zero interest in any aspect of my life.
Genuinely. Zero.
It's only recently that I realised that I have been feeling down all my childhood and adulthood because of this very fact.
It's so unnatural not be interested in your own children. Even worse if she hears about any achievement it's like a thread to her. She reacts really badly. Either she plays it down or says things like that's because she was always making sure she did x y or z for me etc. (She fed us and clothe us but that was it, no interest, and a lot of grief from her in reality). The thing is if she is not the main character in all the plays she isn't happy. This includes even funerals. It has to be all about her.

I'm really done with her and decided she can't hurt me any more. Because she cannot love people, she is unable to feel proud of anyone rather than her. She is sick. So I don't expect anything from her.

Please stop having hope. She is not the mother you deserve. Stop doing things for her and mind yourself instead xx

My mother also has zero interest in my life. I live abroad so see them very rarely. A couple of times a year but they tend to invite themselves to stay for a free holiday, which also annoys me.
If I talk about my life she has always done something similar or better and then I don’t get to finish what I was saying.
I don’t know how many times I have heard that she had to resign from her high powered job in the City in the early 70s because she was pregnant with me and there was no maternity leave then and you had to resign (I don’t even know if this is true).
However I have to listen to her rave about my younger brothers.
The last time I saw her I said something about her “golden boys” that one of my brothers was a managing director so she’s more proud of him. Her answer to that was he’s not a managing director.
I told my dad that the day I lost my driving licence I wouldn’t have been so drunk if she hadn’t screamed at me over video call. I know I made the decision to drive in the end but I really felt at my lowest point. I don’t drink anymore but last Christmas I was criticised for drinking a bottle of non alcoholic wine by myself - that no one else was drinking. And they will keep bringing it up that I got banned from driving. They don’t say it is great that I have managed to give up drinking.
I guess it hurt the most that my DF took her side. I was always a daddy’s girl.
My brothers have cut me off too.

Mine has absolutely no interest in me either she buys my very bizarre presents that I think reflect the version of me that is in her imagination but isn’t the real me. Sadly she has no interest in her only grandchildren either it lasted until they were 7 once they were their own people with opinions and not doing what she wanted all interest ended

@WaggledMyAerialAndWolfedMyCustardCreams @cccarol and @speakout thank you for your kind words and advice. It's a situation not helped by the fact that I live in a tiny town where literally everyone knows everyone else. Honesty in these things is rarely wise if you know it will be spoken of in hushed tones for decades to come by people with little insight into the real picture.

I will have one more crack at trying to get DB to do it. The dog and I have had a chat and concur that strategic/tactical farting may be the only way forward. If I can procure the broccoli and hard-boiled eggs, he knows what he has to do. He's a good boy, he won't let me down.

Failing that, a basic "Thank you for coming. Happy birthday mum." will have to do. Sometimes what you don't say speaks more volumes than any anodyne trite even the best orators spew forth..

Every good wish to you all. xx

yes its strange isnt it that when the children become there own person the narc mums dont want to know same happened with my grandaughter soon as she started school her narc mother lost all interest ( not that she was ever a good mother ) its the control thing and that they are making there own friends leading there own lives etc xxx

Ringing lots of bells there. All the presents my mother has ever given me have been for versions of herself. She actually has no idea at all what I like or what I would want. So clothes she would wear, hobbies she enjoys, etc. she has never once asked me in all my life what I would LIKE! She recently asked me ‘what would be in it for me?’ When I asked her to do something . Very rare for me to ever ask her for anything as she never agrees.
She is the same with my daughter. She never gives her anything she actually wants or likes.

She must have given me dozens of painting sets because she enjoys drawing and painting. I have absolutely no interest in painting.

01Name I understand the complications of having to toe the line for your own greater good.
I do this with a situation too. If I were to be open and honest about myself then it would impact on my mother's social standing. And her own community of flying monkeys may not provide the social invitations.
So I bite my lip and smile.

It is interesting if sad to recognise that my mother knows very little about my life- even though she lives with me.
And even sadder to know that the parts of me she dislikes the most are the bits of me that I am most proud of and they have been hard one.

I was brought up to be simpering to men, to be sweet and quiet, always smile, keep the peace, don't talk back- especially to men,and giggle a little if a situation becomes uncomfortable.

Over the decades I have found my voice, discovered my courage,I speak up when I need to and speak my position. I believe I am altruistic , but I take no crap. My OH and adult children love me, seek out my company and support and know I have a loving heart.

My mother thinks I am mean, cruel, brutish, unkind, harsh. She mistakes my strength for anger and my open words as hostile.

I know I have disappointed her greatly by not becoming her clone or flying monkey.

i think when you say the parts of you she dislikes are the parts of you that she is jealous of because narcs are very jealous of there daughters 😘😘😘